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Wednesday, March 1, 2023, 5:18:24 PM- Absolutely lovely
It is absolutely lovely to check in and have messages here. Even more lovely if I find more of y'all over on FL. There are a handful of NNer's I miss consistently and last I checked two of the most missed aren't here anymore. If they're over where I am now, I certainly don't know their names. If anyone has a line to RatedM or SpiralUp, tell them Libby/Belinda/Kitsune misses them like hell! Two of the most grounded, positive, sexy men I've ever known.
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Friday, March 26, 2021, 9:09:08 PM- CHAT HERE IS TERRIBLE NOW!
I am shocked and hate the new video chat format! I opened it twice and left as quick as I could. I hate it. This is an awful format. When did this change? I know I've been gone for a long time. I found another site to post on and was enjoying myself there. They didn't have a chatroom though and I always missed that aspect. After leaving that site months ago, I finally made my way back to NN thinking I would reestablish my profile here and once again enjoy the community. I've been back for half a day. I plan to be here for a week before deciding if I'm staying or not but after seeing this AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL fucking video chat room, I doubt I will.

How are y'all dealing with this? It would be one thing if Main Chat didn't still have that TERRIBLE mobile phone looking format. But it does. It's an eyesore and not a screen I want to look at. I never understood why that was changed. It looks terrible. But this? This change to video chat?! For fuck's sake, WHY?

So where are people hanging out? If it's really just all in status now, I'm definitely out.
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"I agree with you on video chat... It is horrible. I just stick to status now but I'm barely here at all anymore.... just a peek every once in a while in status and thats it for me. Good to see you for a second and hope you take of yourself :)"
- Shyguy1976


Wednesday, July 31, 2019, 7:57:26 PM- Rage Post
I'm not waiting until I get home to put time into this as I don't expect it stay up. I came back from a lengthy hiatus like I have after every one of them, hopeful. I spent a bit of time in videochat trying to foster a better environment. I posted some of the best pictures I have in years (my opinion). It did not take long for me to look around & realize once again not a single simple change we have asked for has been implemented. I quickly was reminded that open criticism is not welcome here at all. This has always been discouraged but in the past 5 or so years, it's been flat out punished. We're told not to worry about things we *know* are a problem for a community we once loved.

Of course the real rage started to bubble up quickly when I gave thought to what's missing now. The large number of people who have left or in the worst cases were pushed out.

The straw that broke this bitch's back is that it would seem PMs are again or still being monitored. This isn't a free place for expression anymore so I've found a new home for myself. My greatest hope would be to find some the good ones there too. I'll be under my first handle from when this was a good place.
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"I totally agree with you
My question to the banned word list on NNs status was, deleted,
when i made my own status questioning a simple question being deleted i got the answer the list will not be revealed
I then got a PM saying I should stop being such a negative person on here
I have since deleted the 140 PMs i had unread, ill never know if there was banned word or other fault
I try to check once a week if some are unopened
I feel theres some discrimination going on
As i have seen guys giving same suggestions for change as i have
Message given, it will be taken under considderation
So negative women, but the men are giving good feedback?"
- Artistic


Saturday, July 27, 2019, 11:59:39 PM- Apologies for the long absence of updates!
Okay here we go. I've had a couple of kind NNers reach out & ask that I update about my life since I posted a couple new pics. Thank you as always for the kindness heart A lot of us come here to show off & admire others but the heart of the place is what we really enjoy.

So, August 18th marks two years since my last drink & my Goddess what a strange two years it has been. My life looks entirely different but somehow much the same. I gave up cigarettes a few weeks ago too because it's all about giving up what doesn't serve me & focusing my energy on what does. I'm still largely a hermit. I spend most of my time at home either crocheting or messing with some other craft. I've started trying my hand at wire wrapping but my efforts aren't impressive so far. I also ordered an intricate paint by numbers that is definitely a trial of patience. That has eaten up a lot of my nights most recently.

The good news is that my cats & I are still living independently. It has been a struggle after quitting jobs impulsively twice. I think the job I'm at now is a better fit. I only hope that feeling stays. I find myself a lot quicker to leave situations since I quit drinking. That's great. Perhaps not so much when it comes to jobs though?

The hard side has been dealing with what has come to surface since I gave up the alcohol. I might have touched on it in previous blogs. I didn't reread before starting this one so I'm not sure. I think those of you who knew me/talked to me regularly could see pretty plainly that was I never drinking just to have a good time. I was definitely drinking myself into oblivion in an attempt to keep something buried. That wasn't a secret even from myself. What was secret from me while I was drinking was just how many instances I was burying. I thought it was just one or two things from early childhood. So many painful things have come to surface though. It's an odd place to be. I am enormously grateful for where I am now in my personal journey & I try to keep my perspective rooted in a place of gratitude. But I cannot deny the ungodly level of rage that is bubbling under the surface now that I have the full picture of just what I have actually lived through. Honestly, that also lends itself to being even more grateful to myself though. The fact that I stand where I do under the weight of what I've been carrying for the past 25 years is amazing even to me. I knew about that one my whole life. I blocked out a handful of other assaults from age 16-28 though. The last one at the hands of my ex husband is largely what led to me quitting drinking. I'm happy the details are buried under a blackout but the evidence was clear enough & his own words didn't hide the truth of intent on his end. I've denied this sort of instance in the past decade because bearing the pain of the truth of how many times I have been victimized seems impossible. Even as I sit here typing this, it's obvious I'm skirting around the issue & keeping it vague. I don't want to be entirely honest about the scope of it even now. I can say it is no wonder I have had a series of breakdowns.

Living in this truth has had a confusing impact on my sexuality. The more things came to light, the more I questioned it. How much of what I had enjoyed actually came from years of grooming & multiple traumas? Should I turn away from those things now? Should I allow myself to enjoy them anyway? Which one of those options is actually overcoming the trauma more? I still don't entirely know. I talked this over with a boy I sometimes see recently & he had a level headed bit of advice that basically boiled down to, stop overthinking it if it isn't having a negative impact on your life now. And they don't. Mostly. But there is that rage bubbling underneath. I could be perfectly enjoying a moment of submission & then in comes the thought of how I got to enjoy these things. I cannot describe how that feels. Fine enough because really I've been feeling more dominant for the past few years & only fall into the old role out of habit. I used to be unable to go without sex without going insane. I've worked through most of the anger centered around the particular grooming P.O.S.(bonus for you if you remember when he had an account here too...). So now I'm not bothered really to go months or at least weeks without any sexual contact. At first I was sad when my sex drive seemed to be fading. Now I feel empowered by the fact I don't *need* it. And when I am able to be entirely in the moment & present, it is so rewarding & so far from what I experienced throughout my teen years & twenties.

Of course I am human so I miss intimacy & human connection. I've tried to make a relationship work once or twice but have to admit I was really just settling. It doesn't take long for me to force myself to admit that I am not entirely satisfied. And after what I've lived through, I'll be damned if I'm going to tie myself down to someone who doesn't actually fulfill my needs AND motivate me. Too many people are happy to just walk around in zombie mode their entire life trying to live out the script society handed them. Well fuck society & fuck their desire to keep us distracted & divided. I'm not as close as I would like to be to feeling like I'm fulfilling a purpose. But I'm awake. And for now, that is enough. Really it is. Fuck. My last therapist gave me a bit of a rude wake up call when she told me I had to stop comparing myself to people who grew up in healthy households with parents who loved them. She wasn't wrong. I was disadvantaged by a terrible chain of traumas & never wanted to really admit that because I thought somehow it undercut the story of my strength. I still struggle with this. I hold myself to high of a standard & internally beat myself up on a lot of days for shit like not keeping up perfectly with housework. But the truth is, my focus is & has been for a long time inward. And that's not wrong. I've a lot of healing still to do. Life will never be sunshine & rainbows. That'd be tedious anyway. But I will continue to strive for a healthier life for myself. Mind, body & soul. I can honestly say my number one priority in life is my Self. Without shame or embarrassment, that is the truth. I've known for years now I didn't want kids. I question now if I'll ever remarry. And it's ok if I don't. When I picture myself in the far future, I don't see anyone beside me. I see myself standing even stronger & even more true to myself. And that vision makes me happy enough.
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"Im damned proud of you, Kit. Youve flat been through it, more than once. But now, well, you walked through it with your eyes wide open. Youre brave as fuck and anyone that says different, you send them my way to educate. Im no professional and you can take this for what its worth but has anyone told you that its ok not to be ok? I think its very much ok. And, as for myself, I dont ever want you to be anyone but you. Find who you are, be who you are, revel in it. I know its Just NN, etc etc but you have friends here. *kotc*"
- Ho-Lee-Chit-Old


Monday, July 9, 2018, 4:05:12 PM- Ass Saved for Now
Just a quick update for those of you who expressed support & concern heart

I'm not having to move for now. My dad saved my ass & paid this month's rent. That took a huge weight off me so I feel like I can breathe again. Time to pull it back together bit by bit. I get so tired of being strong sometimes that I convince myself I am not. Thank Goddess for the people in my life who stay by my side & remind me that I'll make it through this too.

heart heart heart

Oh. And I'm almost to a year since I quit drinking.
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"CONGRATS on the one year!! You've never made a better decision. It's a new life!"
- hornyoldman52


Thursday, June 21, 2018, 3:28:31 PM- Beauty in the falling apart??
I've been silent here again. I went through a really good/strong time but lately I don't know what's going on with me. I quit my job a couple of weeks back in a really uncharacteristic way. It's funny because I thought to myself this morning, "I'll go blog. That always makes me feel better." But now that I'm trying to type this out, I find myself unwilling to put it into words. I guess there is more shame associated with this breakdown than usual. In some ways, I am maintaining rather well. I am still not drinking. Have not had a drink since August. On the other hand, I find myself suddenly quite incapable of coping with life. I've hit a point where I just cannot keep going. Thank Goddess for my friends that support me. I'm going to be moving in with my best friend within the next couple of weeks. It will definitely be good for both of us (mostly me though because I'm a goddamn wreck right now). But. I have to get rid of my cats because she has 3 dogs & 2 cats already so there's no way to integrate my 3 cats that are not socialized with dogs into the household. Even if it was just the two cats, it would put a lot of stress on the animals. I've never felt more like a failure in my adult life. I have overcome so much in the past decade. I am just worn down though. Completely fucking exhausted from holding it all up alone. I've had this apartment for 5 years now. My oldest cat is 8, the youngest 2.5. I've never quit a job so irresponsibly. It's like I'm losing everything that has identified me as an adult. I thought it would be easier without alcohol. It's definitely better than me being drunk while all of this is going on. My choices are certainly more thought out (except that quitting my job thing). It's just hard to explain what is going on with me because I am not sure. One of my friends asked if I'm having a midlife crisis. Maybe it's something like that. I don't know. No alcohol. No job. Soon no cats & no more place of my own. Everything is so strange. I'm just trying to survive though.
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"For myself, part of the difficulty of quitting drinking was that drinking felt like it fixed something that was wrong with me. I find that the lack of feeling that internal fixing led to some things, anxiety and frustration, coming out sideways in impulsive decisions like...quitting a job when it was a bad idea.

The biggest fix for myself was finding something that could act as that "fixing" that I was missing from drugs and booze."
- dziga


Monday, February 12, 2018, 2:44:40 AM- Day 11
**First of all, I'm going to try to clarify some things. I really appreciate the support & well meaning words of advice I have received from several of the good people here in response to my recent blogs. But PLEASE let me try to make something more clear than I apparently did. I am taking part in a writing workshop. Most of these daily assignments are designed to make us face up to fears, doubts, pain & other unpleasant aspects of our selves or pasts. By doing this, I am working further through doubts & hurts that for the most part, I have already addressed on some level. What I am trying to say is that what I am doing is a healthy, healing process, YES. And I appreciate the support & encouragement, YES. But I do not live in a space of hurt & doubt AT ALL anymore. Those days are SOLIDLY behind me. I am sharing these here because this is one of my places to be... errmmm.... naked. Obviously, I like to be more than just physically naked. I like sharing these for anyone who identifies. Or I guess if you just want to see glimpses of my path so far. So if you are reading these, please keep in mind that I am not at this point wrapped in pain or darkness. I guess it's largely pride in my own progress that feels the need to state these things but sometimes, advice can come across the wrong way when you aren't seeing the whole picture.

With that in mind, today's assignment was to address 3 ways in which we strive to be "perfect" & identify how each one has blocked us from - authenticity - self-care & self-love - living the life we want to be living. The last bit was to identify something we can do to help shift our mindset to one of empowering self-acceptance.

1. I strive to be the "perfect" worker.
- I am so focused on doing the work right, I miss opportunities to grow into more suitable roles.
- I am so willing to take on extra tasks that I often become frazzled & resentful.
- I am no closer to a fulfilling career than I was a decade ago because I work to work & for no other purpose.

2. I strive to be the "perfect" friend.
- I always try to be the version of me that is needed. When I can't be that, I try to at least remain a "palatable" version of myself.
- I am always available to others but do not speak up when I feel my needs are not met. So...again I become resentful.
- I have no tribe. The friends that are still left do not see my true self for one reason or another. .

3. (although I have been single for a while...) I always tried to be the "perfect" partner.
- I never showed my true hurt (sober) so it would bubble to the surface in fits of neediness offset by bouts of mean, frigid times.
- I never felt entitled to my desires. I was too fixated on what I thought would please them.
- Well most obviously, I'm single. More importantly, I balk at any true intimacy.

~ I can start by empowering my own damn desires! Recognizing what is valid & accepting that wanting is not a fucking character flaw.
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Sunday, February 11, 2018, 3:02:37 AM- Day 10
Uber short today. Assignment was a couplet about what I've learned about myself in the past 10 days.

Stronger than I ever knew, bathing in my own light
It seems so clear now, I am winning this fight

1/3 of the way through this journey. I'm excited by how challenging this week has been at times. That's why I wanted to do this so badly. As much to stretch my writing muscles as to dig into the parts of myself I've avoided for too long.
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"Way to go...............keep it up and you will have no problem finishing your journey :-)"
- TopCat


Saturday, February 10, 2018, 4:23:42 AM- Day 9
Well. Today's assignment was to write a Fuck You Letter to five of my self-limiting beliefs. I had difficulty with this for a really good reason actually. So it feels like the most emotionally shallow writing I have done in this process so far. I started killing my self-limiting beliefs early into this journey. Without that step, nothing I have accomplished in the past few years would be possible. It was the foundation I laid that has allowed me to stand up & fight for myself & love myself. So while this is strongly worded, it felt almost xxxxxx to write it. Sure I still have a couple of truly self-limiting doubts. I'm not perfect...but I really had to list a few that I've already buried. No skipping assignments for this girl though! Now it's off to bed with a good book for me!

Fuck you to the belief that I am a cold bitch incapable of love for isolating me further.

Fuck you to the belief that I am unworthy somehow for allowing me to settle for less.

Fuck you to the belief I deserved the things that were done to me for causing me to chase more "punishment".

Fuck you to the belief that I am incapable of practicing self discipline for trapping me in ruts and bad patterns.

Fuck you to the belief I don't like myself for making it so damn hard to remember who I was before I listened to you.

Fuck you to the belief I am a cold bitch, I was born with an incredible capacity for love and empathy.

Fuck you to the belief that I am in any way unworthy, I was born a multifaceted warrior with a purpose too great for you to stop.

Fuck you to the belief I deserved that shit, I was born with too much resilience and intelligence to fall for your trap any longer!

Fuck you to the idea I am undisciplined, I was born into a life that demanded independence from too tender an age. My messy house does not mean I am not busting my ass where it matters.

Fuck you to the belief I don't like myself, I was born with the ability to see true beauty. And I am fucking beautiful inside and out. I cherish my whole Self.
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"You know we are going to hold you accountable for all this...so no straying"
- paulmate1984


Friday, February 9, 2018, 3:40:19 AM- Days 7 & 8 in Reverse
I'm starting with today's assignment because I did not want to do it & writing it hurt. I'm ashamed of my own answers to these questions. But also pridefully defiant of that shame. I am human. That is all.

The assignment was to answer the following questions:
1. What is my biggest fear?
2. Write down what would happen if it happened.
3. What then?
4. What then?
5. What then?

What are at least 3 of the masks my fear wears?

1. I'm afraid I'm not capable of allowing myself to be loved anymore.
2. If this is true, I will never experience true intimacy again. I will always feel less than. Maybe I'll implode. I won't feel complete. If this is true, my truest joy might all be in the past. It might be something I experienced only because I was still naive enough to believe I was capable of it or that anyone was capable of giving it.
3. Then I will wallow in secret and show a strong face as if feeling this way wasn't the most humanly natural thing in our world.
4. Then I'll keep telling myself that I am enough. That this world is made up of an endless variety of sorts of love. That romance was never the point. That a soul mate isn't necessary. That.... (*edit as I'm typing here. I literally put an ellipsis here because of what wrenches at my gut which is that I believe I gave up my soul mate. I told myself at the time that it was necessary for my journey & better for them in the end but I've never believed it)...I am enough.
5. Then maybe one day I will believe those things and not ache for days past or be envious of every couple I see. Stop comparing everyone to this love of that. Stop idolizing a ghost.

My fear wears a jaded mask trying to seem cold to romantic gestures and possibilities.
My fear wears a bitchy mask to push possibilities away.
My fear wears a mask of hypocrisy because I am as afraid of love as I am of never experiencing it again.
My fear wears a mask of gears and metallic things to convince me I am incapable of truly feeling love.
My fear wears a mask of memes to protest that love should not be the goal of a modern woman.
My fear wears a mask of yarn saying my life is not empty because I create.
My fear wears a mask of empathy to prove it cares for strangers so I must be worthy.
My fear is lost in the shuffle of these masks. I do not know its true face.



Now. That's out of the way. Yesterday's assignment was a haiku. I'll assume you're all familiar with what a haiku is. Mine went along with a lovely picture of a tree by the lake that I took on my walk a few weeks back. I can't simply upload that picture to my blog since I don't have it somewhere there is a url for it... so... you don't get the picture you only get the haiku.

Winds whisper gently
Limbs bend, kiss water softly
My spirit stripped bare


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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"one day when you least expect it.............you will find your other half...........the half that completes you.
Keep believing in yourself and keep smiling :-)"
- TopCat


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