henryv1598's blog post - A lot of things to say... and a public apology.

I've been debating writing this. But, I want to get it out there. I'm a very private person, and don't usually share this kind of thing in such a public way. But, I feel I need to. I think this is necessary.

Those of you who've gotten to now me, who are really pretty few, know I suffer from major depression. I know I'm not alone out there. I bet more of us than are willing to admit it do.
For those of you who suffer from it, or are close to someone who suffers from it, know how debilitating it can be.

Why am I so depressed? There's no easy answer to that question. I think the majority of it is biochemical. My brain doesn't make enough serotonin, or norepinephrine, or dopamine, or doesn't process it right... or something. I don't have a past history of having been abused. I was raised in a loving household, by parents that most people would probably consider ideal. Though there were some times harder than others, my parents always kept a roof over our heads, clothes on our bodies, shoes on our feet, and food on the table. I had plenty of friends growing up. In short, my upbringing really gives me no reason to be depressed.

I could blame it on relationship problems. I'm not on this site because I have a happy and fulfilling love life. I know some people on here are happily married and here to share their happiness with others. But I think the majority of us are on here because we're looking for something we don't have. I certainly fall into that category. And while my terrible luck in relationships certainly plays into my depression, feeds it, it is not the chief cause.

When it comes down to it, I'm depressed because... well... I'm depressed.

I first realized this about ten to twelve years ago. It's odd it took so long. I like to think I'm of above average intelligence. I have a degree in psychology. You'd think I'd have figured it out sooner.

I think the reason I never realized it is that I have a number of friends, mostly women, who have been through some very rough things in their past. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, , you name it. I have one friend that I'm convinced suffers from a disassociate disorder, and another who was diagnosed with PTSD. I looked back on my relatively idyllic childhood and problems at the time and always told myself: what the hell do I have to be depressed about?
But I finally came to realize that whether or not my problems were all that significant, they were significant to me - they were holding me back and preventing me from moving forward in life. That's when I sought treatment.

Antidepressants are not a cure-all. A prescription is not sufficient, in most cases, to treat the problem. That said, when I got on buproprion, I found the ability to start actually working on myself. The medication was a crutch.... and a crutch is there to help you out while you heal.

After the first time I got help, it took time, but I got through it. I never felt like I was suicidal. I contemplated the meaning of it... what would happen if I did... who it would hurt, what it would mean. I knew even before I got help, that suicide was not a real threat. That said, I don't want to own a gun simply because, if my depression were ever to get out of control, I'd never want to give myself the means to do something that rash.

I've had ups and downs since that time. I went through a pretty down patch 6 years ago when I spent several months unemployed, and then suffering financial struggles from being under-employed and struggling.

But things got better, in time.

A little over a year ago, I got into another relationship. I thought it was the right one. I thought it could be, would be, the last and best relationship in my life - the one to last until death do us part. And then... she left me for another man. The circumstances were complicated... but I don't harbor any ill will toward her, nor any resentment (well, perhaps of him... but that's another thing entirely). She didn't mean to hurt me. She was hurting herself. I wasn't there to provide what she needed, and she turned to another. It happened. And it sent me tumbling.

I held on. I held on tight. Coming on here and flirting with many of you ladies helped keep me sane... but I was hurting.

Then, something entirely unexpected happened. I met someone on here. About a month or so ago I posted a status question asking if anyone had met someone on here and turned it into a real relationship. I was kind-of afraid of that. I mean... this isn't really the venue you'd expect to find true love. But this woman was someone special... something different...

Unfortunately, she is also much younger and far away. I was afraid she was too young for the serious relationship I need. I knew what I was getting into, knew the risks to my heart. But I did it anyway. Because the heart wants what it wants, and, all too often, the mind is helpless to fight it.
For a few weeks, it was beautiful. She's an amazing woman. Sweet, beautiful, talented, and intelligent: all the things I find attractive. But she wasn't ready for what I wanted, and needed, and she broke it off.

And that's when my depression really set in again.

I don't blame her one bit. And I'm ashamed of myself for some of the things I've said to her. I've never meant to be hurtful, but I know that I've said things that hurt her. Probably badly. If she reads this... I hope she accepts my apology. I would never expect her to want to speak to me again. But I feel I owe her this public apology. I'd say it to her by name... but I don't think she'd want that, so I won't.

If you're reading this... in front of everyone here on NN, I apologize profusely. I treated you wrong. I wasn't man enough to see past my own pain to see you hurt too. And I've caused you more pain - pain you never in a million years deserved. You are beautiful and wonderful and deserve better than that. I do love you. And I am truly sorry and deeply ashamed for my behavior. I know that doesn't make it better. But you deserve a real apology.

I've suffered a lot of rejection and a lot of heartache. More than I think I deserve... though sometimes I really do think there must be something fundamentally wrong with me to make me so un-wanted by women. I keep hoping that someone will want what I have to give. I don' t know that it will ever happen. I know I can't set my value based on someone else. I do think I'm a good person and could be a good partner for someone special. I have a lot to give. I just wish I could understand why I can't seem to find someone to accept what I have. And I wish I could set aside my emotions enough to see once again the value in myself.

To wrap this up... this is why I'm seriously considering leaving this site. I don't want to drive her off here when I know she enjoys it, enjoys many of the people on here, and is growing in self-confidence because of her time here. She deserves that far more than I need to be on here.
If anyone else is suffering depression: you're not alone. And you can get help. Things, however dark, can get better. I've done it once before. I need to do it again. I believe I can. I just need to want to enough.

For those of you who do not suffer depression, I'm certain you know someone who does.. whether or not you realize it. You don't have to coddle them, or treat them like a fragile egg. But please do think of them and reach out to them when they need it. Sometimes that kind word of support is like a glass of cold water to someone dying of thirst in the desert.

If you read this, all of it... I thank you. If you're the praying type... I ask you to remember me... remember her, and all the others out here who suffer from depression, from self worth problems, from lack of confidence, lack of personal value, and all the other things that hold so many of us back.
Thank you for listening.