So this has been getting a little trivial. I mean all this talk from me about master/slave relationships gets a bit over the top in the end. A little self indulgent all this talk of various shades of sex. Mind you sex is one of the three great drivers of society: sex, Politics and religion. Anyhow maybe we need a little light relief. So now for something entirely different. Death. It is a subject near to the hearts of each and every one of us after all. Two alternatives: one day you wake up and the world is not there anymore - or - one day you don't wake up at all ever. Which would you prefer? The ancient Egyptians would have it that the choice was between eternal life and oblivion and there was no inbetween. So too our present Pope who does not believe in hell. So too most strands of Judaism and indeed basic Christianity as per the teaching of Christ. Jesus' references to hell are largely in parables and allegories. When he is talking man to man he makes it very clear that the choice is between death and eternal life. Oblivion is scary of course. Fucking scary. To cease to exist. But what is the difference between that and the high Buddhist concept of Nirvana where you meld with God in some eternal lake of tranquility and lose your identity. Well I ask you? That's oblivion too. Wrong? No I am too fucking right. Trouble is there is a God. Bullshit I hear you say. But then you have the Sound of Music conundrum: Nothing comes from Nothing - Nothing ever Could. Anyway there is a fucking God. Just look at the heavens for heaven's sake. Wise up. But eternal life? Nahhhh - not necessarily. maybe yes. maybe no. But exactly - I don't know. So we leap into the fucking dark when we die. Who wants to live for ever? I do. But in a sense i DON'T MIND. I have had a pissing good life and I can cope with whatever shit comes my way. Even a harsh, hard death, and many are. Tell you one thing though - if there is justice in eternity then there must be eternal life because if not this world is fucking unfair and God has one helluva lot to answer for. I mean some people have piss awful lives compared to mine. Which would be unfair would it not were there not some balancing out of things in the end? Of course it would. Fucking unfair.

So as I was saying, or meant to say, you can change anything but the past - and not even God can change the past. I have no sense of guilt about what is done with. But regret? Regret is different. I regret the way I often walked away from women - and indeed men - of whom I grew too fond - or who were too dependent - or too challenging. Strange that. The woman I grew fondest of, my delightful sub, my second sub, the one that would walk through fire for me. I walked away from her because I knew she needed me for always and I was reluctant to make that commitment because there were other commitments in my life. And Ella, let's call her Ella though that is not her name, never understood because I never explained because I was not ready to explain. And I regret that. Not my failure to explain which may have been cruel but I have no guilt because I am male and men - if they are honest - never feel true guilt. At least I do not. But I regret walking away because cutting that mistress out of my life was cutting something good away. . . That I would not do again - walk away from something truly good. At least I believe not. And often in the past I cut relationships way too short. I should have let them run their course. But I reasoned it was cruel to lead them on. And that seemed honourable. So I would fuck and run. But that was the least honourable way of all to behave. You know the greatest quality in life in my book? Far greater than love. It is loyalty. And loyalty is a two way street. Ella was loyal to her Master but her Master was not loyal to her. She was so loyal. So devoted. I remember using my belt like a leash on one occasion and I decided to make love to her from behind, anally, and so I bent her over the bed and as I was riding her she picked up the end of my belt and handed it back to me lest she not be utterly, completely submissive. When we went out for a meal I would order for both of us. She would never choose. Curiously that was often the way amongst old fashioned couples in my parent's generation. The man would order for the girl without consulting her. But these days only doms and subs do that sort of thing - which is as it should be I guess - but then I am a dom so I win in any case.

So what is it with this sub/dom or DD/lg or whatever you call it thing? I fell into this way of behaving because I met a woman for a one night stand over the internet. we had a meal and chatted and went back to a hotel I had booked. She was an experienced girl - well woman I should say because she was no chicken. She said she watched porn in the kitchen when she was cooking and used her vibrator there and then on the kitchen table as often as not rather than hang about. She said watching porn gave her all her ideas. And she had some fucking amazing ideas. We made love of course, in that heated impassioned way you do first time, stripping each other impatiently. Then we chatted in bed and drank a little wine and she was impatient to arouse me again but first off before moving her lips to my manhood, she took the toes of one of my feet in her mouth and sucked at them. Well I tell you I fucking well squirmed. I couldn't bear it. But that said it I found myself ready to fuck her again which was what she had in mind. After which more wine and chatting and she wanted to smoke so she smoked a cigarette - I don't smoke anymore as a rule but I did with her as I was in an obliging mood. Then I needed a pee and hit the bathroom. When I came back she said she had looked at my wallet when I was in the bathroom and that her father would slap her when she was a little girl if she looked into his wallet. Which seemed weird not that I really cared as long as she hadn't taken anything. And she looked plaintive. You know. That please . . . look that women get when they lower their head and look up at you from under their lashes. And she lay on her back, opened her legs and she said . . . please . . . and I realised she wasn't asking to make love, she was asking to be slapped, so I straddled her. My breasts . . . she said. So I slapped them, gently. Harder, she said. So I did. Harder, she said, so I did again. And I realised not only was she cuming withe her nipples erect, but also I was enjoying the sense of empowerment. But curiously, though that was a beginning, I did not see her again. I realised that if this was to happen again, I would want to drive the agenda - totally. So that was my beginning.

I have come to like to dominate one person outside of my usual circle of family and friends. I guess that someone would best be described as a mistress or a sub. But why is the question? Because of what? I mean I don't dominate others in day to day life. Not my family, friends or those I work with. Sure I take the lead in many situations but that's about it. Is this role playing - this domination in other circumstances? The politically correct would of course call it that but it is not really. It is what it is. It is a world set aside of course. Because you wouldn't live like that in public. But it is very real and when people call it role playing they duck the truth. It meets a primordial need I guess, for the woman who is the sub and the man who is the dom. The practice is pretty extreme I guess. I mean the woman wants to subject herself to male domination in this other world. It is after all a situation where mutual consent applies. Now why that from her perspective? But women are after all very into that. Most women have watched Shades of Gray whereas very few men have. I haven't. That's not to say that I wouldn't. It is no prigish thing. I have certainly watched porn. But this self subjugation of the female is a phenomenon in itself. You can pretend it doesn't exist. You can say, with very real justification, that it shouldn't exist. We live in a world in which we all should, indeed must, value one another equally. And yet there is this need for me to say to her, "When I say jump you say, how high Master?" There is an exquisite pleasure in it. Is it wrong is the next issue? IS IT WRONG? Are so many things wrong? Is adultery always always wrong? Is war always always wrong? Are things simply black and white? There are plenty of subs on this site. As I write there is a member's spotlight to the left of this box of text for someone that calls herself "Master's Toy". I guess it is what it is. We are what we are. Do motives count in any case. Perhaps it is only actions that matter. So I will continue to wish to subjugate just one special other, to dominate them utterly. Kay sera sera. Or am I wrong in that. Whatever floats your boat? Or are there limits I wonder? Not for me I guess. no. Not for me.