I have always been very careful about the information I give on-line or share with people that I meet on the internet. I think that's a good thing, because there are lots of weirdos out there, and a site like this one probably has more than its fair share of them (excluding present readers of course)! I think I have a pretty good BS detector and can tell when someone is lying or pretending to be what he/she is not, BUT it's very hard to get a sense of someone from a computer chat.

I joined this site about 1.5 years ago, but didn't do anything with it until late 12/09. I joined more to explore my exhibitionist tendencies, vs. any desire to meet someone. I am totally NOT into the "fuck buddy" idea. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but it IS only a part. To be truly turned on, my brain has to be engaged too.. I need to care about the person in order for sex to be enjoyable, for me, and avoid feeling rotten or used afterwards. I need to know something about him and his life, understand where he is coming from and what he wants. The hottest thing about a man is not what he looks like, or how big his cock is, or what he does for a living. The biggest turn-on for me is a person who is confident, intelligent, but is willing to show me his vulnerable side, the side very few people see, able to admit that he's not perfect. (God knows, I am FAR from perfection myself!)

Anyway, all that being said, I met a man on NN who has affected me like no one else. For starters, I have told him more about myself than I have ever told anyone else. I haven't told him everything yet, but I am tempted to tell him everything, good and bad. For some reason, I feel safe with him. I'm trying to be level-headed, trying to find some reason that I'm being a total idiot, and I can't find any that have to do with him. (The reason that has to do with me is that I'm married with kids, but that's a subject for another blog.)

Maybe I'm blinded by his attractiveness and his seeming attraction to me. He showers me with compliments, and I am loving it. I believe he's sincere, or I just really want to believe it, I don't know which. I think I'm pretty secure in my own skin, but I've lived in this media-driven American culture my entire life, and the message is this: You must be young and beautiful and thin and perfect (if you are a woman) in order to be happy or have a meaningful relationship or be attractive to men. So, since I have none of those things (youth, beauty, thinness, perfection) in any large quantity, sometimes my inner voice says "this perfect person can in NO WAY be attracted to ME...there's so much better than me out there".

So my struggle is two-fold: believing that I am beautiful in my own way, and that I am attractive; and finally, the subject of this blog:

"Should I or Shouldn't I" refers to taking my relationship with this man to the next level...meeting in real life. He very much wants to meet me, and has suggested numerous specific ways to accomplish it. We don't live too far from each other (relatively - an easy half day drive), so it is very doable...much more so than if he and I were on different continents. I am afraid, but excited too.

So my question to my readers is should I go for it? Should I tell this man more about myself and open myself up to him, meet him, start to care about him, or should I walk or run as fast as I can in the other direction?

I value your opinions and want honesty. I think I am more likely to get honesty here than from small town prudes or religious bigots. Thank you!

I think that's what this site calls sex toys, "devices". Well, I bought some today after work. Something for my pussy, something for my ass, and some outrageous accessories that I would never wear in public. I can't experiment with my new stuff until tomorrow....I need some guaranteed uninterrupted time alone to get myself ready and take the photos. The prepping is mental and physical, but it takes longer because I take all the pics myself with a shutter-delay.

I'm excited to see what the camera reveals about the lesser-known sides of my personality. I get so turned on doing this, and I hope it shows in my pics. I love the juxtaposition of fantasy and reality - I take all the pics in and around my own home. This may sound tired and trite, since I have read it in blogs and on profiles so many times , but the comments and PMs really are what turns me on and keeps me going.

I'll probably get a week's worth of pics done tomorrow, if all goes well. Then I'll be able to discreetly post them, even if my husband is home and in the next room. In the meantime, my pussy is dripping wet and I'm having to content myself with 2 of my own fingers.

I am having so much fun taking pictures of myself. Probably kind of weird, but I get turned on thinking about pics I plan to take and get turned on again when I see them.

I wanted to take some pics of a lit candle up my ass today, but the taper was too thick or I'm just not inserting it properly.

I absolutely love this site,and I am pretty reserved in giving praise.

In real life, I dress conservatively and live in a small suburban town. I grew up in big midwestern cities, have 2 college degrees, so I am no small-town hick. No one would ever guess that this side of me (the wild side) exists. Posting nude pictures of myself? Engaging in stimulating cybersex? Possible phone sex? More? It's freeing!

At 45, I am exploring sides of my personality that were probably always there, but buried. I was raised Catholic, but after reading Hitchens, Dawkins, and others, I have rejected organized religion as a tool of man used to control others. I'm straight, but very curious about a lesbian relationship. Twice in my life, I have had intense conversations with women who told me that I would be a beautiful lesbian. I was flattered, much to the surprise of the other women in the group.

I used to play competitive and recreational softball. I was watching a game with a teammate, and she commented that the women on the team "must be lesbos". I challenged her on it, asking if she said that because they were strong, athletic, wore no makeup, and short hair. She said "well, duh, of course". She was a small-town, close-minded girl. I said "look at me, do you think I am a lesbian?" She said of course not. I said "But I am all of those things that the women on that team are." (I am also a degreed mechanical engineer and work in factories, very "butch" in her eyes) She was embarassed and said she didn't mean ME. I laughed, and hope that I opened her eyes that day.

Sex with a woman would be entirely different than sex with a man (at least I think so). Lsst night I dreamed about a languid relaxed lovemaking session with a certain beautiful woman. She's young, sexy, and is interested in ME! I'm still in shock and she's maybe a little offended that I am trying to prove to myself that she's real. I will never give up men,but a relationship with a woman would add a valuable dimension to my life.

Last night I also had a fabulous chat with a man almost half my age halfway across the world. This too has me floored. He's a fantastic writer and can paint a beautiful picture with words. He had me cumming in my panties all night long.

I think I am a fun, outgoing person, and pretty confident in myself. However, I am also realistic. Looking at my full-body pics, I kind of groan when I see them - thunderthighs, belly rolls due to 3 children, sagging boobs, and not being as physically active as I should be.

I think to myself, "ewww, who could realistically find me attractive NAKED?" (I do clean up pretty well in clothes).

It is refreshing to actually find out that not everyone is enamored with the image of young, anorexic 20-somethings. ALL body types are celebrated here, and whatever you want, you can find.

I used to use facebook scrabble to find men for cybersex, but I posted fake pictures I found on the internet. (The pictures were real, but not pics of ME) Well of course the men salivated, but it was hollow. They were responding to the lie that I propagated.

It's so much better to be myself. Thank you, newbienudies.