Digoree's blog post - Control Freak

I am. Incredibly. And the only thing worse than a control freak: an indecisive control freak D: Horror!

Anyway, Ash and I had checked out apartments quite a few months ago and found one we loved, but you have to be 21 to move in. Well, she's turning 21 very soon, and we decided to check it out again. Place is fantastic. Turns out their condos, but whatever. It's very close to my work, I can literally just bicycle to work its so near, it's in the heart of our main town/shopped/eating area, the condos are beautiful and spacious, and for a large two bed/two bath, it's only 950 or so a month. Between the two of us and after electricity/water/etc, it comes to around 565 dollars a month for me in rent. Not bad at all, all things considered.

We decided we want to do it. It's a 12 month lease and I've got 12-ish months until graduate schools start their new semesters for psych majors. But mom and dad are saying if I move out, that'll probably be the end of graduate school, how will I ever save up enough to pay the student loans back? What if I can't get a good job afterward?

But here's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. Still. Le gasp. I though Air Force, but let's face it, I'm not in shape enough, and I never will be. I enjoy being a lazy slob way too much.
I thought culinary school, but I don't know if I really want to open my own baking/breakfast place.
I thought finish my psychology degree, friggin become a doctor and then at least I'm doing something that's raking in a little dough, moreso than working at a grocery store does. Who cares if I don't love it? If I'm a doctor, at least I can start to provide for my parents, because you see, here's what I really want out of life.

I want a nice place. Nothing fancy or spectacular, but nice. I want a place big enough that I can have my parents living with me, but we don't get in each others' ways. Because I want to support them, desperately. I want to look at my mother one day and say to her "You never have to work again, not for another day in your life. Quit the bakery, retire, enjoy life with Dad." And I want the two of them to be supported, to be able to go on rv trips when they want and still have a place to come back too.
I want a kid. Maybe three. But certainly one. And I don't care if it's a kid from my own body, or one I adopt. Honestly, I'm planning to adopt at least one child. And I want that child to never HAVE to want. I'll make the little twerp want, but I'd like to have the means that if they pointed at some toy in the story I could say "No, you don't need it," not "No, we can't afford it. Mommy's broke."

And right now, honestly, that's all I want out of life. A husband would be nice, boy am I hankering for a boyfriend, but I really don't want one right now. Why? Because my life's complicated enough, good God like I need to add some guy in that wants to take up MORE of my time? Sheesh, I've got a 1 year old boxer that constantly wants to play or snuggle, you think I need TWO males doing that? x_X

So that's all I really want, and I just need to figure out how do I get it? By having a good job. But what if I'm not happy in the job? Does everything I want equate to some level of personal satisfaction, to the point that I can ignore a job I'm unhappy in? I don't know.

People say do what you love. What do I love to do? I love writing, but I can't write like I used to. I can just sit down and bust something out. It's been so long since I've really written something, because college drained the passion out of me, and I'm slowly nurturing it so that it can come back. But I do enjoy writing.
What else do I love? Baking. I love baking. Cake decorating? I don't know. Recently not so much, but that's because one decorator I work with is making the job so UN-ENJOYABLE it's hard to take pleasure in my work anymore. Besides, even if I do own my own pastry/dessert/cake place, would it provide me enough funds to support myself, a kid, and my parents? I don't know. I think the frequent answer I get is: no.

But do I love psychology and helping people? I don't know. I know I enjoyed my Romantic Love class the most, so I've decided to specialize in Family and Marriage Counseling, if I do pursue psychology. But I don't know if it's what I want.

I have this insane urge to control every aspect of my life, when stuff needs to get done and how the end result MUST be. But all I hear from my parents and my friends and my priest and my deacon is, just let go of control, it's not your place to control everything. God has a plan and it will meet is fruition, quite without you dipping your hand in and saying 'nononono, I don't think I like that God.'

I'm scared of letting go though. God knows what he wants of my life, but what if I don't like it? Because frequently God's plan isn't our own. And what if I let go enough that I relinquish opportunities that God put right in front of me, yelling TAKE IT! TAKE IT! But I'm sitting there dumbly staring at it and saying: Well, God'll let me know what I need to do, and he's desperately pointing saying YOU IDIOT! IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!

.___________.


I feel so misplaced. I feel lost. I don't know what I love, but I do know every direction I go in has the chance of being the biggest fuck-up of my life.

I move out, I can't afford graduate school (maybe).
I stay home, I'm trapped in this damn house slowly but surely getting more and more irritated, desperately wanting away from my parents, before I ruin our relationship out of resentment for being here (maybe).
I go to graduate school and waste thousands upon thousands of dollars on a career I never even wanted to being with (maybe).
I don't go to graduate school and end up forever more in a minimum-wage job that I loathe and am never able to achieve the two things out of life I really want most, supporting a child and my parents (maybe).

I like to think leaving home would clear my head, give me a chance to really look at what the hell it IS I want to do. If nothing else, it gives me time to just be away from my parents influence, because I know all they want is the best for me, but don't they see? Every time I pick a direction, they're all for it, good for me on choosing this, then they list various reasons and ways it might fail, or it might be too hard, how can I possibly afford that? And then I just feel discouraged.

They're being realistic, but at the same time beyond discouraging, and I'm sinking deeper and deeper into some sense of misplacement and aimlessness.

I don't know WHAT to do.