A guy actually FLIRTED with me today it was so cool! I'm walking back from Ross and there's a guy sitting in a truck. He's just starting and I blink at him and he waves. So I think 'gee, do I know him? No I don't know any guys here.. Hmmm.' But he smiles and I smile and he waves and I wave and then it hits:

OHHHH! He's FLIRTING.


OMG DON'T LOOK LIKE A SPAZZ!


So I end up looking like a spazz and can't get my car door open and can't find my ipod and almost back into someone.






Smooooooth.

So my roomie's gone for the weekend again (hurrah!) and I thought, gee, you know what? I want to have fun tonight. Good, clean, naughty fun.

So, I went to Adam and Eve for the first REAL look around time, considering last time I went was to get Krik her b-day present and nothing else. I'm low on funds, it's not like I can just splurge insanely. So I walk in and the manager's there and she asked to see my id, which means thankfully I still look young enough (hurrah again!). And I start looking around.

But silly virgin me, this is all quite... foreign to me. I don't know what toy is what let alone what's really supposed to go where and they're all weird shapes and odd colors. Some have parts sticking off of them and some are just smooth. They all have crazy sexual names. I don't know what the hell I'm looking for. All I know for a fact is I'm a virgin and my last pap-smear hurt like hell and had me in tears, but the doctor did confirm to my mother that, yes indeed her baby girl is indeed quite untouched by men (hurrah?).

So! I'm standing there, mouth probably agape, looking like a fish out of water. Finally the manager notices my befuddled look and asks if I need help finding something. I say I really don't know, this is all so new to me, how embarrassing! She calmly approaches and tells me not to worry, now what exactly am I looking for? I explain my situation and she points out some good products. There was one that looked just wonderful but 70 dollars (plus I apparently had to buy lube and cleanser, gawd..) was just out of my price range.

So I found something similar but cheaper named 'Angel Kiss,' which sounds a lot safer than a lot of the names I WAS seeing. I even got a free dvd with the purchase! Something called 'Tight Fit.'

To say this whole thing is new to me is an understatement. I've never done the sexual game, and I think that's pretty obvious to anyone that's talked to me so far, especially in chat. I think it goes to the fact my parents were incredibly protective and instilled in me the idea that you're supposed to wait for marriage, and then dad said that marriage was preferable but at the very least do it with someone I love (I have such a cool dad ^^).

So I never got around much. In fact I didn't get around at all. I can count my sexual activities on one hand. Sometimes I wish I had been a little bit more, ohhhh... brazen, adventurous. I wish I had gotten around a little bit more, that way this stuff wasn't quite as nerve wracking as it is. The staff at Adam and Eve was incredibly nice but I felt like such a dork.

"Uhm...so where does this go?"

Okay, so I didn't really ask that but it probably wouldn't have surprised them if I did. I just keep thinking back to the pap smear from hell where I was clutching the bed and crying and the doctor's worried because she doesn't mean to hurt me and mom's upset with herself because she told me it wouldn't hurt. I just dunno. Why does the act of sex have to be made frightening in schools rather than beautiful and exciting? I know they're trying to keep kids safe but all it does is make wusses like me paranoid.

Not that I'm not going to have fun tonight. Oh hell no. This weekend is for me and I fully intend to enjoy it to the fullest. I'm just saying.



Gee this was like, my first sexual post. =D

There may be hope yet! I remember a portable hard drive back HOME might have saved the files on my old jump drive as well. We wont know until...

November 14.


My birthday for anyone's that's curious =3

It did. Not just a wrong, but an almost disaster.

I went to the student center to find a new writing location. So my laptop is sticking out of my bag with my jump drive out. I dropped something and bent to pick it up, and my hip bends the jump drive. "Oh no!" I think, but as I turn on the laptop I see nothing is harmed and breath a sigh of relief.

Until this morning, when I try to bring up my files and the computer wont even recognize the existence of my jump drive. I try it on another computer, nothing. Another. Nothing. I drive thirty minutes to Best Buy to be told there's nothing to be done. Sorry. I will admit, I almost cried, because you can't imagine the amount of cherished files I had on that jump drive. Conversations with friends, old and new, pictures, stories from when I was a little girl to the present day. All of it, gone.

So I bought a new flash drive and prided myself on always having a good habit of emailing that story I'm writing to myself, just in case stupid things like this happen. Now I'm going to go find something chocolaty and pout.

A lot.

And damned if anything gets in the way of it.

Just one of the more recent scenes I've done from 'Age of the Sun.' This is super duper far in, but I'm proud of the scene. =3


“Is everyone okay?” she murmured, pulling her knees to her chest.

“No, but that’s how it goes,” he shrugged. She frowned up at him, feeling hurt suddenly. Didn’t he care? People had died, innocent people. Her little boy was left on the ground, rotting, when not a day ago she was certain he had been happy and quite alive. He looked puzzled at her expression, crossing his arms. “What?”

“People died, Nathair,” she snapped.

“That’s what happens with war,” he scowled at her, glaring to the side. “That’s how it goes.”

“Don’t you care?”

“No, I don’t. In the end, as long as I’m alive, that’s what counts.”

“Then why are you even here?” she was up in an instant, glaring angrily. She was trembling with rage, helpless rage. How could anyone not care about what had happened in the Underground, all the innocent lives lost uselessly? Nathair stared up at her coolly, unbothered by her rage. He had dealt with it before, she knew. There had been plenty of times when she had attacked him in a blind fury and they had both been at each other’s wretched throats. But this was different. This wasn’t just her trapped in a room, this was his dismissive attitude. It was the fact that little boy was dead and more like him and he didn’t give a shit.

“I’m here because I have to be!” he snapped, white teeth flashing in the darkness around them. It was all so thick she could barely tell where he ended and the shadows began, were it not for the helpless flickering of firelight. “That my problem with all of you little freedom fighters. You’re all so caught up in these stupid ideas of passion, brotherhood, freedom, and patriotism that you think everyone feels the same was as you. Guess what little empress, they don’t.”

Cassia opened her mouth and then snapped it closed, feeling confused, angry, and incredibly bitter. For some reason the idea of Nathair not really caring about the rebellion wasn’t that big of a surprise and perhaps that’s what she was angry about. It wasn’t a surprise, she wasn’t shocked or horrified that the rebellion didn’t mean anything to him because she always got that feeling all along. The same way she had gotten the feeling from the rest of the rebellion that they didn’t have faith in her. It was just there.

“Why?”

“Because little girl, I look out for the one who counts, and the one who counts is me.”

“So you can’t even pretend to give a damn about all the innocent people that died.”

Nathair was up and stalking around, arms thrown into the air. His tail flickered angrily to and fro and she could tell this certainly wasn’t the conversation he had been hoping to have.

“Oh by the damned stars! LISTEN to yourself!” his voice took on a mocking falsetto and he clutched his dark hands to his chest, the barbs on them glimmering as the light bounced off them. “The poor innocent souls trapped in the underground! It’s war Cassia, innocent people die. Get used to it.”

“I never WANTED to get used to it!” she screamed, up in an instant. Her hands were clenched furiously at her side and it was hell biting down on the urge to unsheathe Shakti and give into his blood lust. Nathair looked at her, slightly surprised, and his hand reflexively found his own blade, clutching the hilt. “I never WANTED to be here! I just wanted to get married! I just wanted to run away and do something insane and stupid with the boy I loved, was that too much to ask?” She rushed at him, shoving him furiously and he caught her hands, squeezing the wrists until she winced. “I never ASKED to be here! I never WANTED to care about anyone! You knew this!”

My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and I'm so excited. Well...visit as much as fucking Publix will allow them. Mom had asked for the weekend off MONTHS ago and they said 'sure, sure.' Then suddenly they completely turn things around on her and say 'gee, actually, you HAVE to stay the 31st because kids are trick-or-treating and we want all the managers here. Sorry.' So Mom can only see me Friday night and Saturday, then she and dad have to leave Sunday so she can go BACK to work.

The level of pissed off that I am is about insane. I don't know why Publix is so fucking awful to my mother. She works her ass off for them and all they ever do is let her feel more or less content for a moment and then slap her across this face. This woman has about her worked herself to death and I dread something ever happening to my father because if something DID happen I know all she would do is work and work until she had nothing left.

I think that's another reason I try to write. I really want to hit it big, I want nothing more than to make some money off the books so I can take care of her and dad. I want them to have enough funds that mom could retire soon enough and they could live in relative comfort. It seems so wrong to me that they work and work and do what they can and they rarely get to see each other anymore, these people who adore each other can only spend time together during a lunch break.

It's ridiculous.

But in any case, they visit this weekend. Then in two weeks my ass is going home for the weekend and I'm curling up where I'm quite happy. After that I return for a week and a half and then leave for Thanksgiving. Finally on more week and then final exams. I'm relieved it's almost finished.

I'll be registering for my new classes hopefully soon. They allow people to register in order of who has the most credits, so I should be able to register on the second day, since I'm positive I have at least 60 credits. I'll go and visit my counselor and make sure, because if those credits didn't transfer well... I'm going to have to kill someone =) And wouldn't that be a shame?

My dearest, darlingest, love of my life and I have started doing a comic together. Now when I say love of my life, she's not really my partner, though I wouldn't mind. I fell in love with the babe in high school and we were the best of friends, then the silly twit got herself a boyfriend and I've found it harder to start a relationship with that dumbass, useless fuck in the way. She and I have been working on this storyline for a comic for about a year and a half now, plotting it out, planning things, creating the characters and designing the story and it's all finally come into place, so we're both happy.

In the future we've talked about living together, which would be a dream to me. We want to both start a tea shop and make it like a kinda-sorta cafe, with our own hours and foods and teas. We also hope to be able to write on the (or in her case work on her own artwork, she's a fantastic artist). But this mostly a dream and nothing's been finalized. But a girl can dream

I was talking to Fla today and we were on the discussion of marriage and I realized I couldn't possible imagine getting married. Not that I don't want to, I truly do, but the idea of someone wanting to put up with me for so long is quite bizarre in my mind. And then part of me fancies the idea of being with someone like my dear Grimalkn, so it's all really quite confusing. Not that I'm in a hurry to figure out if any of it would actually happen or not. I've got my whole life ahead of me, I hope.

But, for those that are... oh... I dunno, interested in the comic and see our work, you can catch it on our deviant art pages.

[url]http://digoree.deviantart.com[/url]

I ask for comments and much love =3

What it is. But I'm on a total Disney Movie kick. And I know my roomie must think I'm either immature or crazy, because every time she walks in I'm caught watching Bambi or The Little Mermaid or what have you and she looks at me funny.

Then again she always looks at me funny. I tried to be nice-ish to her twice today. She was running around this morning at 8 and my alarm went off and I asked her 'don't you have class?' and she said 'yeah' in that 'why do you care?' sort of way. Then I mentioned she was goanna be late and I guess she realized I wasn't trying to pick a fight and said 'thank you.'

Then I closed the door for her when she was lugging a large amount of stuff out and she looked at me funny.

Maybe I shouldn't try being nice, obviously it's frightening the poor girl.

So I'm excited about tomorrow because I finally get to see Sissy again, though it's a bittersweet happiness because while I'm going to spend and awesome weekend with her, it's going to be evened out by the fact I have a Child Psychology test on Monday. And Child Psych is kicking my ass. This women is cramming 10 chapters into fifteen questions. All together. Not 15 questions per chapter, no. All 10 will fit into these 15 questions...SOMEHOW.

No I think the lady's insane. I just hope maybe I can pass this test, considering I wont necessarily have study time. Well...there should be some downtime at Krik's. Dum said I could study while he and Krik were fucking.

Ew *shudders*

Yesterday. I had had a wonderful day, it was highly relaxing, I had spoken to a friend at work and she and I had both agreed that we would room together next semester after Christmas. Hurray. No more problems really!

Then today she showed me the room we'd be in and it was awesome! I was so excited, then the bomb dropped.

"Oh? Next semester, no no no. I mean next YEAR."

"Next semester is next year..."

"No, the next school year."

No, I don't plan to live in the dorms next school years. Me and dorm life doesn't work all that well. I miss cooking and eating edible food. But just in case, okay I'll try to stay cool. I mean, she said she didn't care for her roomie that much so I wasn't too worried. Well suddenly she and her roomie are best friends forever. And they agree right in front of me that next school year they're going to room together.

Well.

Where does that leave me? Everyone that I do know and like have wonderful roommates that they love and they all love their rooms and don't plan to move.

This is bull shit. Fucking girls. Why the fuck is it impossible for girls to say something and actually stick to it, instead of turn into some fucking idiotic mess when someone they supposedly don't like walks in? Why do they have to act so two-faced? Why did she have to go and get my hopes up that I'd have a good next semester and then suddenly I'm stuck back where I started, in a room with someone I hate?

This is fucking ridiculous. For fuck's sake. I'm going to try and change my status from a freshman. I can't stand living at this school anymore. I just wanna get my degree and get the fuck out.

.

With religious nuts. I'm Pagan, like my sister, and it's wonderful. It's beautiful really. Life takes on a strange sweetness and I don't know if you can understand how very differently you look at the world based on religion or none, how things take on a new texture, a new taste, a new smell entirely based on how you view it.

Paganism is full of the softest brush strokes and the sharpest outlines in the strangest and sometimes darkest places. It tastes sweet, like early morning when the sun's just touching the horizon and the dark streets are beginning to become bathed in an erotic mix of moonlight and sunlight, and for me Paganism has a scent of autumn about it, something crisp and entirely fresh and new after a humid summer. Things are far more gentle, beautiful in mind through Paganism.

I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, maybe I'm just crazing to actually have the gal to think that people view the world texturally differently based on religion. But that's the case. When I was Christian things felt incredibly sharp and clean, the world had a sensation like clean laundry, but it's the kind that blows in the wind outside. There was the sound of recently washed fabrics flapping in the wind and a taste of lemonade. Everything was incredibly double-sided to me.

Wonderful, clean laundry blowing in the breeze that could very possibly be released by faulty clips and end up on the ground and in the mud. The lemonade was sweet but always had that sour aftertaste, the kind that makes your nose wrinkle and your toes curl. Christianity was like a double-edged sword when I was following it. I could be good and take shelter in God and praise him. It was nice, there was so much community around me, but after to many mistakes I'm off to hell.

And I know God would be 'disappointed' in me now anyway. After all, a young bisexual woman who's shared kisses with her best friend? Posting sexual pictures of herself online for others to very possibly indulge themselves in?

No, I could walk into many churches and if they smelled another woman on me I'd be in deep shit.

I'm still learning about Paganism, I'll always be learning, but I'm happy to do so. I find an entirely wonderful comfort in praising the Goddess, the same way my mother finds a wonderful comfort in praising God. I wonder if she sees the world as I do through Paganism, or if she also sees the fresh laundry?

And that's all well and good. Different tastes and feelings, me possibly losing my mind because I actually see a world different. But here's my real problem: people that can't love you simply because of religion. Religious nuts really are the center of this whole issue but they don't always have to be nuts, they just have to be closed minded.

Turn to me and say: I worship God because I feel He is all mighty and I believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost. Tell me whatever you want, and my response will be 'good for you.' Generally no more and no less.

Then there's another person entirely different SOMEHOW who will see my pentacle and become horrified. They'll fumble while handing me money or narrow their gaze. Their lips will purse. I'll feel their eyes staring at my neck and it's all I can do to maintain that friendly cashier smile, because I don't want to cause trouble. What's the thought process for them? That this young woman is going to hell, she's in dire need of help and to be shown the right pathway? Or that I'm some sort of slut of Satan, a whore for the goat, bending over and taking a thick cock up the ass, screaming profanities and curses to the lord.

I'm neither.

I'm just a young woman that feels safer with the idea that nature is powerful and wonderful, that there is a Goddess that loves all, that does not DAMN people or send them to Hell for something they've done. I feel safe with the idea of karma, that everything comes back at you one way or another, but at no point will someone actually be sent into fiery pits to be tortured for all eternity.

Please don't try to take me by and unwilling hand and try to drag me along and teach me what you think I need to know. I know enough. I've sat in the backyard with my wet glass of lemonade and felt the condensation drip down onto my jeans and wet the thighs. I've felt the white linens brushing over my bare arms as they snap in the wind. I have experienced enough, and I wasn't happy enough.

I'm happier now.

So I wonder how I view the world compared to someone who's so caught up in their religion they feel the urge to inform me I'm in need of prayer and that I should praise Jesus for He's the only one.

I feel the world in soft tones, sweet brush strokes, a Monet classic. Face to face it's a blur of glorious colors a person could drown in, but take a step back and things collide together in a spark of meaning and understanding, of knowledge and clarity. There's comfort to interact with such a world, stepping forward and burying my face into it and stepping back to take a deep breath and open my eyes to how real everything is, and yet still so beautiful and tragic.

Does the radical person view things differently, Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Catholic, whatever? Do they see soft tones? Can they smell the sweetness of the world? Do they hear it breathing around them, pulsing with life? Do they listen to the ocean and lose themselves to the majesty of nature?

Can they do something in life and attribute it to themselves and hard work? Or do they have to thank God, because obviously God handed them what they wanted on a silver platter.

I'm just frustrated. I hate being told that I'll be prayed for, having them get mad when I get upset because I find that comment rude. And yet when I tell them I'll pray for them as well, they're furious. They don't want me to pray to some Pagan deity or two for them. What? Pan far too close in likeness to your silly devil? Psh.

I love my deities, I think they're fantastic and comforting. I can lose myself to both of them, sink into the comfort the Goddess offers me and relish in the absolute passion and freedom from my God. And still, after allowing myself to be wrapped up in them I can still take a step back and breath and just be myself, knowing either way I'll be accepted for who I am and what I am.

Just don't hurt anyone.

Is that such a hard rule? Is it so confusing to understand?



P.S. have you ever wanted to cry, but you were watching a comedy so you're going back and forward from tears to laughter. So weird. Haha