The Quickie

They had gone to her family’s home for Christmas and her family being old fashioned didn’t believe in sleeping together before marriage. So by the second night the sexual tension was killing her. She missed making love to him, and lying in his arms drifting off into sleep every night.
Finally by some pure act of fate, everyone decided to bundle up and go on a sleigh ride. They decided to stay at home with the few others who were not fond of the cold weather.
Giving her a sly look, he invites her with his eyes to follow him, down the hall. Once they were halfway down the hall and in the shadows, he grabbed her and eased her up against the wall outside of the bathroom. Nuzzling her, and kissing her wildly he asks, “Did you miss me last night?”
She rubbed against him seductively, his sex hardening instantly. “How about a quickie?” she grinned at him coyly. Pulling her into the bathroom, he reached behind her to shut the bathroom door and lock it. She fumbled with his buckle, finally loosening it, and then unzipped his jeans. The moment she touched him he thought he would explode with need, nearly climaxing from the feel of her hand alone.
Closing the lid of the toilet he sits down and pulls her to him. She straddles his hips, sits down and eases herself onto his erection. Capturing her mouth with his, he feels her moaning in pleasure. Grinding into her, he begins working in a slow rhythm, but it doesn’t last. Within moments they are devouring each other, their hands roaming, bodies pumping wildly. She unbuttons his shirt and runs her hand over his chest.
He groans, she whimpers, he growls and she moans. He tenses and grabs her hips, thrusting into her in a rapid, repetitive motion, that soon brings them to the brink.
The moment he begins to cum, his body starts to tremble with the force of his climax and causes her release as well. She drops her head to his shoulder and he hugs her tightly not wanting to let her go.

THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I LOOK like a f***king people person!
8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing, I still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. (pointing) YOU!!... off my planet!!!
12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
15. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?
16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
28. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
30. Ambivalent? Well yes and no...
31. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
32. Earth is full. Go home.
33. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
34. I'm not tense; just terribly, terribly alert.
35. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
36. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
37. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Leaning into her he cups her face in his hands and lightly strokes her cheek with his thumb. Catching her bottom lip with his teeth he tugs gently. Her hands caress his body until she can’t take him not being inside her anymore. “Please, I need you inside me, NOW”, she begged. Smiling down at her, he eases her legs apart and holds his rock hard cock in his hand. Placing the head on her slit he runs it up and down, teasing her. She begins to grind her hips, trying to push him into her. Finally tired of letting him set the pace she rolls them over so she is on top. Grasping him firmly in her hand she begins to lower herself on to him. Using as much restraint as possible she lowers herself inch by inch onto him. Hearing him hiss in pure pleasure, she loses all connection with the real word and sinks fully on to him.
Flipping her over so she is once again on her back, she shudders and he plunges into her completely, and feels him possess every part of her. Raising her hips, she brings him in closer if possible. Slowly he starts to withdraw and she whimpers. Looking down into her eyes he leans in and kisses her passionately. Slowly he pulls his cock out until just the very tip is at her entrance. Pausing he tries to ready his body for the pleasures ahead. Grabbing her by the hips he thrusts into her. Wrapping her legs around his waist, not taking the chance of him leaving her again, she grinds into him. Running her fingernails up and down his back as he pumps into her.
Winding her arms around his neck she pulls him backing for another kiss, their tongues playing as their need grows. She begins moaning into his mouth as he enters her over and over. Feeling her muscles tighten, he increases his tempo and gets caught in the moment, feeling as they are the only ones left in the world.
Within moments he feels her body contract as she moans then screams out his name. Knowing that he has fully pleased her, he concentrates on his own release. His cock is now heavy, waiting to explode. With one final thrust, he collapses on her as he shoots his hot come deep inside here.
He's so sexy covered in sweat, especially sweat from hard work. He rolls off of her, and she snuggles up to him, enjoying being held in his arms. She kisses him gently, and tells him how much she loves him. She smiles as he says he loves her too. She curls up to him, and falls asleep with a smile on her face. He kisses her head, and falls asleep beside her. Both dreaming of the other, and what's in store for later.

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it. CASE DISMISSED!!"

Standing up, he pulls her up, slides his arm around her shoulder and the other under her knees. Carrying her to the bed he lays her down and without a pause begins an assault on her mouth. Kissing her, his mouth claimed hers as he devours her. His mouth begins to trail down her neck, and then changes direction, making his way up her jaw line to her ears. Sucking on her ear, and tracing the shell with his tongue he rasps, “ I can’t wait to taste you, Baby”
Smiling at him she tells him “There is no time like the present.” Slowly, in pure torture he works his lips down over her body, stopping to explore every inch of her body. Moaning in frustration she begins arching her body into his, using her hands to push his head lower. Grabbing her hands in his, he holds them together and continues to explore her body. Finally he eases his way down to her panties, and releasing her hands he traces one finger over the seams of the material. Sliding one finger underneath the band, he caresses the skin on her lips, and then pushes into her.
Gasping, she starts to roll her hips, but he places his hand firmly on her, keeping her still. Sticking his tongue out he begins lapping at her through the material of her panties, if possible making her wetter than she already was. Impatiently he reaches up, grasps the underwear and pulls them down her legs and throws them to the side. Looking up, his jaw drops getting his first look at her spectacular, shaven pussy. Spreading her lips with his fingers, he stuck his tongue out and licked her from top to bottom. Over and over her repeats this motion, until she cries out, but never satisfying her need. Grinding her wetness into his face, he finally takes pity and plunges his tongue deeply inside her. Alternating his finger and tongue she feels the first stirrings of her orgasm nearing. Reaching down she pulls his face in closer to her and holds it there telling him without words what she wants. Faster he enters her, and then quickly changes it to a lazy caress. Finally she can’t take it anymore and her hot juice begins to flow, as he laps it up, until she begs him to stop.
Pulling him up by her side, she looks into his eyes, and kisses him deeply…

Women's Most Embarrassing Moments
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget it.
Priceless
One of the funniest most-embarrassing-moment stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for THUMBTACKS. In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU >POUND IN WITH A HAMMER??

Shaking she tries to use the card to open the door and after fumbling the third time he takes her hand in his, picks up the card and unlocks the door. Stepping inside she feels the tension mounting, knowing this is what she wants; yet not wanting the game to be over yet. Playing coy, she enters the room and saunters over to the window, pretending to look at the view of the city.
Silently he crosses the room and places his hand on her shoulder and turns her to face him. In an instant his large hand is running through her hair and supporting her head as he kissed her forcefully. Using his other hand he makes contact with every inch of her body within reach. Breaking the kiss she takes a step away from him, reaches behind and unzips the zipper on her dress. Shrugging her shoulders the dress slides down showing off the beginning of her voluptuous body. Slowly her heavy breasts come into view and she hears him gasp. Lowering the dress even more until she can step out of it, she is left standing in the tiny pair of panties and a smile.
Walking towards him, she takes his hand and leads him over to the couch. Sitting him down she climbs onto his lap and then places his hand on her breast. As he massages the big, firm tit she begins to feel the wetness soaking her panties. Shoving him back against the couch she leans in and begins opening the buttons on his shirt, kissing, licking, and biting every inch of skin she exposes. Easing off his lap she comes to a rest on her knees in front of him and unbuttons his pants quickly, pulling the boxers off with the pants. His swollen cock becomes free of restraint and is desperately wanting attention. Running her hands up and down his muscular legs as a tease, she reaches his ass and lifts it up, aiming his cock towards her mouth.
Opening her mouth she softly blows on the tip, her hot breath making the oozing precum even hotter. Firmly using her tongue she laps at the head, cleaning him. Running one hand up his length, her mouth follows in rhythm. Using her tongue, she traces each separate vein, until even she can’t stand it anymore. In one motion she swoops down and takes him fully in her mouth, pumping him in and out, until she could sense he was near cumming. Stopping she releases him, looking him in the eye and smiles. She begins massaging his inner thighs and legs again until he has himself under control. Once again she begins, only this time quicker and with one purpose in mind.
Suddenly she feels him tense up, and his cock becomes even more swollen. Before long she feels the hot, sticky streams of cum shooting into her mouth. Swallowing as fast as she can, continuing to pump up and down until he can take it no longer and begs her to let him have his turn tasting her…

They met online and today was the day she was going to meet the man she had been lusting over and in love with for months now. She adjusted her clothes again and fixed her hair waiting for him at the table at the restaurant of her hotel. Never before had she met someone this way before, never even being on a blind date. For some reason though there was a connection with him and she decided to take the chance and flew into his town to meet him. As far as she knew friendship was all he was looking for and even though she had replayed many fantasies of him in her dreams at night, she had decided to play it cool.
Suddenly a man entered the restaurant and instantly she knew it was him. Every thing inside of her became alerted to the fact he was here. The waitress showed him to the table and as his eye caught hers he broke into a huge smile. Rising by instinct she went into his arms as if she belonged there. After ending the hug they sat and enjoyed a great evening, talking long into the night after the food had long been cleared. Not once did the conversation take on an awkward pause, although once, as she touched him to get his attention she felt the sizzle as her skin was on his.
The plan had been to hit the town for the evening but as she stood up, she realized just how much she had to drink and stumbled slightly. Putting his arm around her to sturdy her, he smiled down at her and suggested maybe she might like to rest for a bit before going out. Deciding she enjoyed the feel of his arm around her at last after so many months of long night talks in the chatroom she leaned into him.
They walked in silence onto the elevator and were just about to close the door as a huge group of people entered to on their way to a party. Stepping closer to him, she leans back until they are squished into a corner with his chest pressing against her and his arm now fully around her holding her close. Purely on instinct she edges closer and feels his hardness pressing into her. Knowing now that maybe he has more then just a friendly interest in her then she thought, she reaches her hand behind her back and slides it in between them. Tracing her fingernail down his thighs she feels him tense up. Slowly she runs her hand around to his ass and gives him a light pinch. Returning to the front of his pants she brushes over his leg until she reaches the zipper and then playfully runs her hand down the seam.
Hearing him gasp and seeing a few people turn to look in their direction she giggles and covers her mouth. The elevator dings, letting the other passengers know they have reached their floor and they soon are left alone once more. As the door begins to close he turns her around, grabs her wrists and holds them above her head, pushing her back until she hits elevator wall. Leaning down, his mouth seeking hers out in an impatient rush. There was no softness, no gentle teasing, as his mouth and tongue explore her mouth and take control. Surrendering to him she matches him kiss for kiss unaware that they have reached her floor. Finally they break the kiss and walk towards her room….


Hmm please let me know how I did...

Top ten things women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America..
9. Get a blow job..
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat..
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal..
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently..
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm..
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem..
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks..
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement..
1. Repeat number 9......

Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret
10 Does this come in children's sizes?
09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 Mom will love this.
06 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
05 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
04 Will you model this for me???
03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
01 Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!