Any week that starts with having your only pet put to sleep is bound to be a bad week, I guess.

I had never experienced that. It was terrible. The doctor gave my cat a shot and I petted the poor guy and talked to him. I told him he was a good cat, which was really true. I miss him terribly. He convulsed a couple times and that was it. And my god did I lose it. I'm so glad my girlfriend stuck with me after seeing me break down like that. Jesus. She was a saint.

Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett and a nearby music festival all died this week, too. And I kind of didn't give a shit, because I was a lot fonder of my cat, who kept me company all the time I was alone in my apartment.

I had two cats at one time. One went outside about a year ago and just didn't come back. I looked for him and called the humane shelter, but no luck.

I don't want to get too far into the subject, but I have been thinking a good bit about the shadow that death casts on life at all times. I think that these reminders of mortality should probably teach us to live better lives.

They should. But they never do. We just keep doing the same shit. And that's kind of sad, too, but it's life. It's just the way it is, and it's better than the alternative.

"The night is young, the sky is deep
For all we know, the whole world's asleep
We've got to let them go
The fire is hot but your hand is cold
Let's fall in love before we get old
Watch the fire glow

Everything
Is going to change
Isn't it strange?
How everything
Will change"

"Bonfire" Rhett Miller

I hated my job this morning. Hated it. I had my breakfast/lunch all heated up and ready to eat and suddenly I had to go driving off for some wild goose chase.

I kept thinking I need to find another job. One I'm actually good at. One I like. This shit is getting old.

But when I got back and started eating my now-cold food, something happened. I started enjoying it, even as I chewed on the cold barbecue left over from Memorial Day. Goddamn it, I'll never find something different to do if I keep enjoying this crazy shit.

I've found I love talking to people, even if they're not real keen on talking to me. I like people. I understand people, I think, and even if I don't like them, I've figured out how to enjoy talking to them.

That's strange for me, because I'm shy by nature. I always used to hate talking to people. Absolutely dreaded talking to people. I still do, to some extent, but once I'm there, I start to figure out a way to do it. A way to be honest, not judgmental and a way to be myself.

I stumble sometimes, and that's part of who I am. But I give everyone a chance. Everyone deserves that.

I need to keep in mind that whatever I'm doing, I need to be the best I possibly can. And stay hungry.

Or at least sort of, on and off ...

I still like to visit this site. I still like to take pictures of myself naked.

My girlfriend made me feel pretty good about it. She found a bunch of pictures of me on my camera, nude, erect and acting in an obscene manner. She preceded to take some nude pics of herself acting in an obscene manner and left them on my computer. Suffice to say I found that pretty cool. (She doesn't want the pictures of herself posted on the Internet, though. Maybe that's something to work on.)

This morning, we were laying in bed and she reached down and started playing with my dick.

"I can see why you take pictures of this. It's really nice," she said.

Then she gave me a blow job. Keeper? Could be.

She still doesn't know about this site, though. I'm not sure I should tell her. Every man should maintain a private life or every couple should be open about everything? Tough to decide.

Wow, it's been more than a year since I've posted a blog here. I don't know why I'm returning here, really. I pop in every now and then these days. I kind of miss this place, it's true. And here I am again.

Before I was just blown away by my last post being Feb. 11, 2008, I was going to post about why I post nude pictures of myself on the Internet. I guess I'll get to that.

I was found out. By an ex-girlfriend, of all people. I had stayed friends with her, but she was absolutely disgusted by my existence here, on NN. And then she had a problem with my current girlfriend, but that's another story. I'm no longer friendly with the ex.

So why do I post nude pics of myself? The short answer is low self-esteem. I'm always looking for validation. By the time I was in my late 20s, I was getting fat. My body did not look good naked. Around 30, I started eating better and working out. I started noticing the difference.

I have, since puberty, used my hand thousands and thousands of times to bring myself to orgasm. I ruined so many sheets when I was a teenager. My libido was always high, and that, coupled with an almost paralyzing shyness, led to lots of jerking off. Along comes the Internet.

I was always more interested in amateur stuff. That, of course, led me to NN. I had shown myself off in a couple less populated forums. Way too many "this is my dick" shots before I figured out women want to see the whole body.

And my body was pretty good then, in my early 30s. It's not bad now, really. Not nearly as good as it was then, but still.

So, my ex asked why I did it. Why did I get all pervy and post nude pics of myself?

I didn't know what to tell her. I'm an exhibitionist, but that's not a suitable answer. I want women to want to fuck me. How can I tell her that?

I seek validation, some confirmation that women are interested, because I've suffered in the past from shyness, humiliating turn-downs and social awkwardness. I've outgrown all that, but you never really quite get over it. All the embarrassing moments, the girls who (I can see now) wanted me to ask them out and I was too cowardly, all the missed opportunities.

So I guess this was a way of explaining it to NN the way I couldn't explain it to her. I needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for listening, on the off chance that anyone actually was listening.

Why do I always have to have a woman I'm pining for and a different woman pining for me? Am I addicted to unrequited love? Do I always have to deal with my own heartbreak or that of someone else?

I don't know. I know I haven't blogged in a while. I have life issues that aren't that interesting, ultimately.

At this point, I just want someone I can watch a movie with and talk about it afterwards. And then have sex. And then, you know, go to sleep and wake up and have more sex and then watch another movie. And listen to some music we both like. And then have sex again.

Is that so much to ask?

OK, yes, of course it is.

I'm terrible about keeping up with people. I always wait for them to call me (e-mail, im, whatever). I need to be better about that, because there are people I miss talking to.

So I had some days off. I went to visit a good friend of mine in a town close by. A couple of good friends, actually, but one of them let me stay at his house. We got together to go see the movie Cloverfield (which was pretty good, although I was a little disappointed in it).

But really, we just got together for the sake of it. We needed an excuse. We had some beers afterwards and we talked and joked and laughed our asses off. We had a good time. We didn't get laid or anything, but we had a good time.

The next morning, I really didn't want to be woken up when I was. I was sleeping peacefully (sleeping off a drunken night).

"Scott. Scott, wake up. It's snowing."

Groggily ... "It's what, huh? Really?"

"Yeah, man, check it out."

Sure enough, there were those white snowflakes swirling around. All the lawns and roofs and trees painted white.

You have to understand, snow down here is very rare. It's reason to pause. It's worth waking up for.

I thought two things: 1. This happened for a reason. 2. The world sure is beautiful.

And that's when I realized.

I never knew what everybody meant
By endless, hopeless, bleak despair
Until the day that I found out
The first time I ever left my house
It saw me and followed me home
And stayed with me for my whole life

For years and years I wandered the Earth
Condemned to a life of bleak despair
Then one day I looked around
And found it had disappeared

Hopeless, bleak despair
It was always there
And then, one day, it disappeared
In a puff of smoke, in an unceremonious way
One day it disappeared

All I ever wanted in my life
Was only to be free of it
It drove away my family
It made me lose my job
Whenever anybody saw it
They'd say, "Get out of here"

For years and years I wandered the Earth
Sick of my life, looking forward to death
Then one day, I looked around
And found it had disappeared

Hopeless bleak despair, etc. ...

For years and years I wandered the Earth
Until I died and went to hell
But my despair had ascended to heaven
That's how I finally got rid of it

Hopeless Bleak Despair, etc. ...

They Might Be Giants
"Hopeless Bleak Despair"

Two cans: blackeyed peas and lima beans
Luck's Glory, they promise
Sitting side by side

Instant grits, catnip,
Olive oil, Morton iodized salt,
Trash bags and a candle

The cat is asleep on the bed
What could he be dreaming of
That's better than sleeping on the bed?

Light on the wall
A crack on the wall
An unbearable sadness

WD-40, a coin counter,
Mini TV with CDs on top
A picture of my niece and a silver cup

She took out her earrings
And put them in my hand
And smiled.

The holidays are such a happy time. Cheerful people everywhere you go. Here's a little snippet of a conversation at work:

Guy 1: "If you don't like the way I do my job, take it up with the proper authorities. Because I don't want to hear your shit. You're not even in this department. Shouldn't you be on the other side of the room?"

Guy 2: "Go fuck yourself."

Guy 1: "Fuck you!"

Guy 2: "Fuck you!"

Guy 1: "You need to concentrate on doing your job well and not be so worried about what other people are doing."

Guy 2: "I consider it my job ..."

Guy 3: "Would everyone just shut the fuck up, please? Jesus."

Heart-warming stuff. And that was before everyone started in on management and what wonderful people they are.

Coolenough2 exits to Devo's Beautiful World
"It's a beautiful world we live in,
a sweet romantic place"

(Who here remembers that type of blog signoff? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?)

Everything in my life lately has centered around my family so much that I'm starting to see why people have their own families, that they move away with their own families. They have their separate lives. If you're single, fathers and uncles and grandparents and cousins and nieces and nephews see that as meaning you have more time for them. You have no legitimate excuse to do something else.

I don't really mind it. My family is great. I really can't complain much. But if what they're doing is trying to convince me to find somebody already and get married, it's really starting to work. Except that I'm so far from being married. I'm not even dating. I don't even have any real prospects to speak of. So I go to these family things and I'm the only one over 15 who's not paired up with anyone. And family members ever so kindly remind me of this fact. I kind of just want to move the fuck away, just move far away and be blissfully alone. But that won't help. I can't run away from myself.