This AA business is awfully fun and incredibly rewarding.

Right now I am actively working with four alcoholics in their efforts to find sobriety and a better way of life. Two of the four seem to be on real solid ground while the other two are doing good but I fear their egos may cause them problems soon. An unrestrained ego is a killer for an alcoholic.

Today I got to take one of them through the fifth step. Listening to a 23 year old addict/alcoholic gangster (me counseling a tough ass gangster what to do and he does it? What the hell?) tell me their resentments, fears, misconduct through the years, their character defects as they see them and all of the deep dark secrets of their past that they had vowed to take to the grave with them. Powerful stuff! Watching them enter the fifth step with tons of fear and trepidation and walking out of it with tremendous relief and the sort of smile that can not be faked.

What a blessing to participate in the process of turning a life burned to the ground around.

About 21 months sober now and things are wonderful and exciting. And I am not required to be a saint so I keep getting to look at the gorgeous women, couples and even men of NN and get off on thinking about them doing the same with me...

and there have been a lot of changes.

I ended up leaving my wife last year and moving back to Wisconsin, trying to find some cold comfort I guess.

The decision was definitely hard after 10+ years, but the continuing hope I had that things would someday get better were gone...and living the way I was was really destroying me in many ways. Hopefully it is better for the both of us.

Strangely, that is not even close to being the largest change in my life. My mental state certainly did not get better when I moved back as I hoped and eventually I accepted that I had to do something about my drinking. Really out of control...right before I left Oregon I was drinking around the clock. Drink until I passed out, wake up and have a drink to get going, decide to drink more after the drink to get going and then drink till I passed out again. Time of day really began to have no meaning to me. Crazy stuff.

I was going to buy a van to move back to Wisconsin with, but in sort time I realized that I was continually too drunk to test drive a van...something that is not noted all that often is a lot of DUI's occur the morning after a night of heavy drinking when the BAC is still high.

Decided to stop as part of my change in life, but it did not work. Made it for a few weeks but I started the best paying job I have had yet and started drinking again right away and was drinking on the job within a week. Really a lot of craziness going on in my head...

So the big change eventually came and I joined AA. It did not take at first because, "I'm unique and my real problem is not my drinking, it is my emotions when I am sober." What a common problem that is for people entering AA.

Did some more strange things and started drinking worse than ever after starting AA, lost my job, got my first and hopefully only DUI in a very bizzare story that is pretty humorous and I may share here someday...

Finally stayed sober and it has been almost 13 months now which is inconceivable to me. Even more inconceivable is that most of the time it is easy and that I truly feel better emotionally, mentally and spiritually than ever before. Wonderful stuff and so many preconceived notions about AA and life and spirituality have been revealed to me with really none of it being incompatible with the core of my nature. Never would have imagined it...and it is strange for me to say things like, "Thank God I found this thing that has completely changed my attitude and outlook upon life."

And I get to go the spiritual path without having to be one of the things I dislike...the holier than thou high roller. Good stuff!

I am so looking forward to it!!!

I was kind of thinking about basic themes for it and something in the news out here made my starting theme apparent.

This 22 year old guy was having an affair with a 49 year old woman and murdered her 50 year old husband to "get him out of the way." Shit is so messed up when violence is conceived as being a better solution than honesty!

All of those guys in high school that beat up other guys because their girl cheated on them...the problem is not the 'other guy.' The problem is that the relationship was flawed in the first place. Misplaced aggression.

Crack that mirror and think like a cubist!!!

Gary

you have to be such a shit bag to do something like that to someone who is so wonderful...

The problems with the world...the reason for it all is right there in a nutshell.

Gary

So often we get these idee fixes in our heads and they are so hard to ignore, much less let go of. I kind of had another painful confrontation with an idee fixe tonight, but I know that the pain came from the expectation...just let things be as they are and it is so much easier to enjoy things and so much harder to be disappointed.

(Funny...I just farted and LoveCat immediately cuddled up against my ass (how could that be mistaken for a purr)...reminds me of the Family Guy movie when Peter has Meg in the car (trying to make her attractive to men) and farts with the windows down and tells her that the most loving thing a woman can do for a man is to love his gas. "Love the gas!!!"

The only things that us humans are idee fixes for is our pets...other than that we are just atoms bumping around against other atoms in a (less complex than we like to think) carbon molecule and the best that we can do for ourselves is let our own electrons fly.

Crazy wisdom!!!

The cabin in the woods with occassional forays into urban environs to rant at straight laced mother fuckers...that is the life for me. Got to start building that inherently temporary sand castle.

Once again a kids' game...sitting on the shore of Lake Michigan cupping impossibly flowing sand and building Antoni Gaudi like cathedrals that are reverant through their irreverance.

The thing I like about high, high culture? That the art is more important than the self. The thing I like about low, low culture? That it ultimately says that the self is less important than the art. It is kind of one and the same, isn't it.

Peace, out!!!

~hug~

Gary

too much passion to spread around upon phony passion (it is obviously not that I don't have enough passion to spread around, only that phony passion is not quite adequate to accept what I want to shoot in) so my NN dealings will change accordingly.

Unravel and then ravel. Then ravel and unravel.

Gary

Boy that Packer game was awful...what an anemic offense...disappointing too because I was flipping back and forth between the Packer game and the US Open final and Agassi got trounced...both results that I did not want to see!

Anyways, I have really had a couple of real bad days...I don't know what caused the turn, but lately the Lexapro stuff has made me feel really aggressive and that is something that is not in my nature to be. I even did not go into work today...very strange because I do take my job seriously and often have felt better at work than outside of work..

But my boss is really understanding and has gone through his own problems with alcohol and depression so everything at work will be okay.

And it all turned out good in the end...I got into another big fight with Saskia when I got home...really for no other reason than that I was feeling uncontrollably aggressive. But we got through it and she said some things to me that I know that I needed to hear about how self centered depression can make you...and then we cuddled on the sofa for about an hour...that felt so good!!!

Everything is relative and what is relative to yourself obviously makes the biggest impression upon you and feels the most immediately painful, but there are a lot bigger problems in this world...New Orleans for instance...

Saskia just said that no matter how bad those things are, they don't make your pain hurt any less or be any less important...but even though that is the case, it is good to sometimes think about how your own problems seem so much worse because they are personal for yourself and no one else. Always good to give yourself a little perspective...

Something else Saskia and I discussed today. How many people say that they have dealt with depression when you bring it up with them. Four people (that I know of) at Zenon have taken medication and three teachers that Saskia work with are on medication. It is really strange for me to have these people come up to me and tell me that they can relate to what I am going through becasue they have had incidental contact with depression. There is a huge difference between feeling a little depression and being depressed. Kevin and Linda have both told me that they can relate to what I am going through, but they can't no matter how much they think that they can.

What you said about small talk comes to mind. Probably the biggest reason that I don't regularly get hair cuts is that I can't stand to sit in that chair and be xxxxxx to suffer through small talk as they do their job. I really don't understand how some people can actually enjoy small talk...something that is completely foreign to me and I don't mind that it is foreign to me. Even though I sometimes think that it would be nice to be able to enjoy it, I can't help but realize that small talk is completely pointless. My psychiatrist told me that I should include group therapy as part of my treatment, but I know that that environment would be so artificial and foreign to me that the only thing that it could possibly be would be detrimental to my overall well being.

I very often think that this world would probably be a better place if people spent more time thinking and less time talking...if we all just acted a little more like sentient human beings rather than base instinctual animals...

Lately I have often thought about whether or not I really want to change...I do want to feel better and know that I desperately need to make some changes, but I do not want to become someone else. I do not want to be a person who is so frustrated, aggressive and observant that the natural things that happen in this world upset me to no end. That is the person that I have been the last few days (Hopper being killed by our neighbors dog really did affect me...I almost got arrested that night because I got caught spitting all over a car at our neighbor's house) and it is something that I have not relished being.

Thanks to you and Mom, I am a good person at heart despite all of my travails...

Love you both,

Gary

REALLY BAD!!!

I got a little bit drunk after work and went home after biking the streets for four hours thinking all the time that at the moment I don't really have a home...

Got there and Saskia told me that my dear, dear HopperCat was killed today by our neighbors pit bull.

There is something so fundamentally wrong with people who desire violent pets. My neighbors across the street saw it happen and called animal services and their dogs are being put down...that doesn't help ease the pain.

I am not a fighting man, but I want to cause our neighbor some serious pain right now!!!

The guy is such an asshole...several times his kids have come over to our house to use the phone because they were either locked out of the house or their parents were fighting...if I would have acted sooner my Hopper would still be sleeping on the bed with me tonight...

Emotional investment...something you can't help but do even though you realize that the final payment will be in pain...

Hopper...I'll never forget what your purr sounded like...and you will never leave my heart...

Gary

I sent a few messages to some of my best friends on the site about where some of my non-exhibitionist art can be found and might as well post it here...

http://helaaspindakaas.deviantart.com/

I hope to update somewhat regularly...

Check it out if you want and memberships are free so you can comment there or here or wherever your heart desires.

I'd write some about my personal stuff right now, but time, or rather private time, is lacking and I hate to tie up my friends phone line for too long. Maybe I'll post a blog about it later...but things are somewhat OK even though they are as confused as ever...

The last two weeks were really hard for me.

My parents came out to visit while I was still trying to work through this stuff.

One day really comes to mind...I was horny as hell for my wife and we went with my parents through some lava fields. The whole way out there I had my hand down her skirt and was massaging her ass. Placed her hand to let her know how hard being sexual with her was making me.

But then we got out of the car and I was with my parents the whole time...hard to come up behind your girl and wrap your hands around one of her breasts and grab her crotch when you know that your parents are just around the bend...

Half of the time I want to work things out with her, the other half I don't even want to think about her...confusing stuff. She called me today and I really didn't have any enthusiasm to talk to her.

At least I haven't done things in a truly bad way...the guy I am living with went through pretty much the same situation. A sexless marriage. He dealt with it in the end by having an affair and writing about it in his journal and leaving his journal open to that page on his living room floor.

I also heard today that my wife's best friend, Deone, went through some bad shit this summer. She went with my wife to Africa and her girlfriend, who is apparently the first person she fell in love with in years, fell in love with Deone's roommate and best friend, Suzanne. Ouch!!!

I have a strange hope that they will fall in love together and that this will help to end all of the confusion.

This is why I am agnostic...a loving god would not pull this shit on us all the time.