honeyme's blog post - A night can change you

I took a trip down memory lane yesterday, I've not always worked in the industry I do, for almost 20 years I worked in retail. And yesterday I happened to be in an area I have little reason to be in often these days and in need of coffee I took a wander down the high street. And there it was, the store I used to manage a decade ago now.
It's funny how much your brain forgets. We remember the big things, but a lot of the smaller detail gets lost. It's all still there filed away somewhere though as things I'd long since forgotten came flooding back. I walked past a stationary store and remembered buying pens to make a poster with, I walked past a card shop and remembered last minute panic Christmas gift shopping. All those moments in time I'd long since forgotten came back.
And of course that brought memories of how I felt at the time too,
A decade ago I was just starting to think about staring 30 in the face much like I'm aware now that if I look over my shoulder, there's 40. I was restless, not performing well in my job due to boredom and lack of challenge and although not aware of it, crippling myself in self doubt.
Of course with everything in my life, there were men too. I've had several fairly long term relationships in my time, interspersed with periods of very random adventures. I'm actually far less experienced than I come across, and the vast majority of my interactions with men have never made it to the bedroom never mind any further. But me being me, I'm always lusting after someone and my boundless optimism of finding my own happy ending was even more present then than it is now. A decade on I'm jaded and wise enough to realise my own issues are complex enough for me to be difficult to be with, so tend to take more joy in the simplest of exchanges than I used to. I'm also far more set in my ways than I was 10 years ago and find myself reluctant to give up my world enough for anything serious so I seek different things.
The year ago I was 28 was a key year for me though.. By the following summer I'd left the job that was my only anchor and embarked on several different challenges. I began a bit of a personal journey that lead me to be where I am today. Which despite my slightly negative vibe is actually in a very good place.
Anyway, before I get sidetracked, the purpose of today's post was to share a memory..

I still remember the first time I saw him. I thought he was the best looking man I'd ever seen. It was the first time I'd ever been moved by the sight of a man in a suit and as I type this I can even remember the way he smelt. It was lust at first sight although I think I mistook it for love. Sadly for me, C had a taste in hot and beautiful women with legs that went on for miles with blonde hair to match. Being a total opposite I felt out of his league. What we did become though was great friends. We had a beautiful man meets woman friendship and for 4 years he was my partner in crime. He managed a branch of the same company just down the road and we settled into a happy routine of meeting up, him telling me of his latest conquest, me making him laugh at my self exaggerated tales of dating misadventures.
Yesterday I walked past places we'd been together so many times. Dinner places, coffee places, beer places. A hotel.
After several glasses of champagne and 4 years of wanting him, I finally found him and I alone in a hotel room. At the time I had no self confidence whatsoever, but was confident in my oral skills, so my plan was to play to my strengths and it wasn't long before I was on my knees trying to get him in my mouth while I stayed resolutely fully clothed.
But for the first time in my life, someone else was in charge and he made me strip and stand naked in front of him. He laid back on the bed and just watched while I stood there. I remember protesting and being horrified and not understanding how he could call me sexy, so different was I to his type..
But something in the way he looked at me made me see myself through his eyes, he stood behind me while I looked in a mirror. He made me see myself as a woman. And it's something that has stayed with me to this day. Curves can be sexy.
Then we bonked like rabbits, the sex actually being decidedly average after 4 years of anticipation. He held me all night long. We got up in the morning, said our goodbyes and later that day he went to the airport and flew to Australia and I never saw him again. The date and the night that followed having been our goodbye to each other. I knew I'd come away with the memories of that night. What I'd not expected was how all these years later, while the sex is a distant memory, him stripping me naked is something that has guided me ever since and will last a lifetime.
Yes, as I walked past that hotel yesterday my smile wasn't secret, but it was only for him.