kittykats1's blog post - Pity Party, table for one, please...

I am having a case of the "Uglies." A lot of my fellow NN ladies may understand this feeling, the guys - maybe not so much.

I woke up with that bummed out blah feeling and it has just snowballed. I am feeling very down on myself right now, I am very unhappy with my body and the way it looks. Whenever I look in a mirror I start to pick myself apart. My long suffering husband tells me all the time how he thinks I am hot, how great I look, calls me his Trophy Wife, yadda yadda. The whole time he is saying that there is a little voice in my head saying "dude are you fricking blind?!?" I know from where that little voice came from and I have spent years trying to defeat it but it is way too strong.
My ex was a real bastard, very verbally and emotionally abusive. I was with him from when I was 16 till I was 24. He was older than me, and I was young and naive. There wasn't a day that went by when we were together that he didn't call me ugly or stupid. The more he treated me poorly the harder I tried to please him. It was a sick relationship and I don't know why I put up with him for so many years, except that he planted the seeds of self-doubt and self-loathing way down deep in my head that made me fear that no one else would want me, so I stayed with him. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I left. Therapy and finding and marrying a good man have not eradicated those evil little seeds. Why won't they go away? Why can't I look in a mirror and see something decent instead of hearing his voice cutting me down and my own voice telling me that I am just not measuring up, that it isn't good enough? It's like the person I see in the mirror is not the person my husband and others see. Why can't I see what they see? Am I that broken inside? Part of the reason I came to NN was for self validation. My husband was and is very encouraging, his thought was that if I thought he was just telling me what he thinks I wanted to hear, then maybe I would listen to what complete strangers would say. In a way he was right. Complete strangers have no reason to blow smoke up your ass, they have nothing vested. I was terrified that my first pics would be ill-received and that I would get my bruised self esteem even more lowered, but I was surprised that a lot of people seemed to like my body. It still pleasantly surprises me when I put up something new and get a nice comment or a good rating, and even a PM here and there. It has become an odd feeling for me in that I feel comfortable and at home with the folks of NN, my little extended family of pervs who for the most part are welcoming and always supportive (there are a few shitty people but what family doesn't have an asshat jerk in it, right?) I know this is just a phase, these feelings I am having; it happens every now and again. I will be in hater-mode towards my clothes (this pair of pants makes my ass look HUGE I hate them!) and pissed off at my hair and the dimples on my butt and my chubby thighs, hating the pics in my gallery - I pulled down a bunch last night, but it will die down and go dormant again till next I am feeling crappy about myself. Maybe one of these years I will learn to love myself, chubby thighs and all but to be honest I have forgotten how.

Puurrs to all,

Currently listening to: the hum of my hard drive