As you might guess, the credit for these goes to Curvy.

There was a young lady called Curvy, Who came across as a little bit Pervy, From the verification's I've read, She is that good in bed, She'll turn any mans life topsy-turvy !
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There was a young lady from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of Seeds, After 1 hour her tits were a flower and her Cunt was all covered in weeds..
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There once was a man from Bonaire, who was doing his wife on the stair, when the banister broke he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid-air..
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There once was a woman named Jill who swallowed an exploding pill, they found her vagina in North Carolina and her tits in a tree in Brazil
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There once was a plumber from Lee who was plumbing his girl by the sea, she said Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming! Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!
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There once was a man from Madras whose balls were made out of brass, when he'd bang 'em together they'd play stormy weather and lightning would shoot out his ass...
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There was a young man from Glentucket, who's cock was so big he could suck it, he said with a grin, I can cum on my chin and if my ear was a fanny id fuck it....
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There was an old nun called Vera, who wouldn't let anyone near her, but along came a monk who gave her some spunk and now she's a Mother Superior.
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*** BEST 'STILTON' CHAT UP LINES *** :-
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Marry Me!
Your profile is like my cock... Way too long!!
You should actually be taxed for being sexy....
I would suck the cock of the last man who fucked you......
Wow, you're so fucking hot. I would actually eat your shit xx
Utterly and totally H to the O to the T YOUR HOT!!!
Hey nice clothes they would look better on my floor ??
Your so fit I'd use your shit as toothpaste..... Too much??lol
Are you a bag of Skittles? Cause I wanna taste your rainbow!
Do you like Barbecues? Because I am gonna slap my meat across your grill!!
CurvyGirlie, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple!
Hey gorgeous do you like jewels ? Good, get your mouth around this gem !!!! xx
If you were a lolly I would be licking you all night!
Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears
Was your dad a retard, because your special x
If your sex is as good as your profile I would marry you
It was my birthday yesterday! My best ever birthday present would be to date you! x You're beautiful! Please, please can I go out with you? x
If you were a washing machine, I would put my dirty load inside you
If you were a McDonald's burger...you'd be a McGorgeous
fit fit fit iv just asked santa for you this xmas he hasent replied yet lol
Is your name google ? Cos you have everything I'm looking for.....
Hey you, fuck me you're gorgeous! I'd literally kiss and lick every inch of your body till you cream on my tongue!
"My face leaves in 10 minutes - Be on it!" I'll get me coat!
Wish you had Skype and wore lipstick xx
Hi Curves, I'm doing a survey ...What's your name? What's your phone number? Are you free next Saturday?
'Are you from Ireland? Because my penis is Dublin...boom boom lol
Hey Curvy, you look like my third wife....I have only been married twice
Fancy going out for Italian because I'd love a pizza you xx
Do you have sun burn or are you always this hot x
If i die today would you be my coffin cos i'd love to be buried inside you.
The names bond, unibond, I'm here to fill your crack !
Have you got a mirror in your knickers . Coz in can see my face in them later . Soz but hehe.
hey baby do you like jewels ? Good , get your mouth around this gem !!!! " xx
mmmmmmmmmmmm hello gorgeous u look fabulous do you fancy going halves on a baby? lol xxx
If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come for dinner between the holidays ?!!
I like maths so how about you come to my room we add the bed subtract your clothes divide your legs and multiply
Do ya like chicken?? If so get ya mouth round this its fowl lol
hey curvy your pussy is like a chapel open your legs and I shall worship lol
Hey Curves, do you work at subway coz you just gave me a foot long !!! haha xx
Hey babe, there are 21 letters in the alphabet right? I forgot U R A Q T
My cock died last night...can I bury it in your arse?
Is your surname Jacobs? Cause your a cracker
Your legs are like an Oreo Cookie - I wanna split them and eat all the good stuff in the middle
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up
Is that a spade in ur back pocket... Cos I'm digging ur ass!!!!!!!
Was your dad a chicken farmer cause he sure showed you how to raise a cock
I hope you have home insurance..., cos I'm gonna smash your back doors in
I call my cock, The Truth, coz the truth always hurts and women can't handle the truth!
My cats dead can I play with your pussy instead )))))
I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
I know I'm a few years younger than your looking for but you don't win the lotto if you don't buy a ticket!!
Can I get your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Xmas.
Do you have a mirror in your knickers, because I can see myself cumming in them.
I hope you have bullet proof teeth, because I wanna shoot in your mouth!!
I can fuck u every single month of the year...every single day of the month...every single hours of the day...every single minute of the hour...and every single second of a minute...!!
Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.
They say dating is a numbers game... so can I get your number?
Is your daddy a Baker? Because you've got a nice set of buns!
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me
If i were a stop light, I'd turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U
Do you have pet insurance cover, as you have one pussy I would like to take home and batter!!!
Good morning pretty lady...Let me tie your shoes for you because I don't want you falling for anyone else!
Are you a DJ like your name says? Cos I have a crate of records you can "bend over" and look through!
Two fat penguins! Just wanted to say something that would break the ice!
Wow you look incredible, gunna have to admit I've had a few wanks at work over your pics just never plucked up the courage to message you...........(Errr You Just Did)!!!!
You are like a favourite toy on a shelf that's too high - totally wanted, but just out of reach!
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*** THE VIEWERS JOKE CORNER *** :-
JOKE NO.1:-
An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
"Can I help you sir?' he says.
"Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries,
"Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "
"Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"
"Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
"That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "
"I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
"Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
"Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?"
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
"Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"
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JOKE NO.2:-
One afternoon a man is happily driving along in his van when he gets pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches the driver’s window.
“Good afternoon officer, what seems to be the problem?” enquiries the van driver.
“Routine stop and search of vehicles” replies the policeman. “What’s in the back of the van Sir?” says the officer.
“Oh nothing much – just some friends of mine. We’re just having a drive around on this fine day” says the chirpy driver.
The policeman is not convinced and instructs the man to open the rear van doors. The driver opens the doors and, to the officer’s amazement, there are 12 penguins stood in the van. They all nod their heads and a few wave their flippers to acknowledge the policeman.
The officer asks the man "what the hell are you doing with these penguins?"
“These are my friends – we always hang out together and today I’m just taking them for a drive” replies the man.
The policeman is not impressed and clearly doesn’t believe the man despite the good nature and happiness the penguins seem to be in.
“These animals do not belong in the back of a van. I want you to take them straight to the local zoo – NOW!”
The man protests insisting they are his friends but the officer is not buying his story. Eventually the man reluctantly agrees to take all of the penguins to the zoo as the officer has instructed. He shuts the doors, bids farewell to the policeman and goes on his way.
The following day, the same policeman pulls over the same man driving the same van on the same stretch of road.
“Open up the doors Sir” orders the policeman.
The driver opens the doors and the same 12 penguins are in there again but with one difference – they are all wearing sunglasses.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo?” barks the officer.
“I did” replies the man. “And today we’re going to the beach”.
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JOKE NO.3:-
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, “My dog’s cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Why? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
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have a few jokes if anyone likes to smile...hehe

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy?!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!! I've said NO!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."



There was a guy who owned a whorehouse and on one particular day all of his women happened to get the flu and had called in sick.

Not wanting to lose any business that day, he thought up a solution and went to the local sex shop to purchase inflatable women. He put one in each room and then dimmed all the lights so no one would notice.

Not long after he opened, a man walked in and ordered six beers and a hooker. The man gave him his six beers and a key to one of the rooms. The man went upstairs but not long after he returned with what remained of his beer and sat down to drink it by himself.

The bartender, worried, went over to ask what had happened. The man told the bartender, "I was just screwing a witch," "A witch?" The bartender asked sceptically. "Well sir, I got on her and was pounding away and she was letting out these tiny little squeaking noises and everything was good. Then I moved over and bit her nipple, when all of a sudden she let out this really loud fart and flew out the window!!"



Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."