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***STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS,THIS MESSAGE IS NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION AND WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN TEN SECONDS*** The spiralling cost of "restrained" space travel has necessitated a change in strategy on xxxxxxxxx from this strangest of strange worlds and our new plan is coming in place nicely now.The imposition of our "replicant" ones in government to bring about chaos and anarchy in these lands was seen as a devious yet more cost effective policy in achieving a structured,long term exodus with the living standards here diminishing. "Beam me up Scotty " was always considered much too "70s" so this policy had been steadily reconvened and passed,literally with universal approval once Daffy Donald,Mother Teresa , Batty Boris and BREXIT was "arranged" and the subsequent dissatisfaction assured.Our offers of window seats, extra legroom,copious quantities of duty free on board (along with the SKY box set "Lost" for visual entertainment....a ploy that is bound to have them snoring their brains out within the first twenty seconds of the twenty five year flight to Frolix8) along with the promise of all inclusive accommodation when they get there,is proving too good to resist.I have also just been advised that the slow introduction of the Chelonians and the Cetaceans,with their disgusting habits and mating rituals, will be the third phase and is sure to dissuade any lingering remainers. Our ongoing summit meetings,then, with the intelligent species on this planet i.e the dolphins and the turtles will, shirley, begin to bear fruit now.*** INTERNAL COMMUNICATION OVER: YOU ARE ADVISED TO DIGEST INWARDLY BUT SAY NOFFINK ***
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| Wednesday, April 24, 2013, 2:39:11 PM- guy walks into a brothel | ||||||
in a strange land where there are not many women.The owner says "sorry sir but all we have is blow up dolls and nothing else - but they are very realistic." The guy is a bit miffed but being really desperate, he reluctantly pays his money and with a bit of trepidation, is led to a room where,sure enough, there is a life style doll on the bed.Still shaking his head in disbelief at his predicament, he says to himself," ah, what the hell", gets undressed, puts the doll in the missionary position, lubricates it,jumps on and surprises himself by how much he is enjoying the whole experience.Half an hour later, after dragging the doll round the room and fucking it in every conceivable position, he is dressed and finds himself jauntily bouncing out of the room with a whole weight off his mind and feeling surprisingly sated, sexually. On the way out, the owner enquires if he enjoyed himself." to be honest, I did, and you are right about them being realistic, why it even gives you a really wet sloppy kiss, doesn't it"? As the guy walks out of the door, the owner turns to his side kick and whispers "hey,the doll in room number one is full and needs emptying" | ||||||
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| Thursday, March 14, 2013, 11:40:50 AM- the "fuck buddy" scenario | ||||||
A genuine enquiry here and not the usual blog update as such. I have seen requests and discussion regarding fuck buddies for ages now and I am intrigued to know it works - without being on the look out for this arrangement, can I stress. This enigma looks a strange one to me and I guess a modern phenomena and I would love for anyone who has been in or is currently involved in this sort of situation to tell me all about it.You see, whilst acknowledging we are not all the same,I just cannot understand sex without any sort of emotion being as enjoyable.Is this sort of arrangement just functional to release "tensions" for both parties or is there any sort of kissing,affection, romance involved too because surely that would be a relationship? Will you pm me ? | ||||||
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| Thursday, February 7, 2013, 12:25:56 AM- these fancy i phones | ||||||
My youngest just changed her phone to the latest model of i phone and amongst the many features, it has voice recognition.For those of you that don't know, this means you just give a verbal instruction and the phone does the rest. So for example, if she says " phone mum" the phone will ring me without her having to do anything else.Amongst the other amusing little features it does is to answer queries such as " which is the highest mountain in the world?" "Everest" was the reply and it even gave the height. Ever the curious mind, she asked the phone "do you love me"to which the phone replied that it was "not capable of human emotions" and similarly in reply to "will you marry me" the response was "that we would need a certificate first". The irony was not lost on me that the voice used on iphone is male,lol. | ||||||
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| Friday, December 28, 2012, 1:31:09 PM- Some jokes that are even worse than toothache | ||||||
It is the dentists first day in the job and his first client is a particularly aggressive women. Dentist : "open up your mouth and say ahhh" Woman : "thats what he said last night,how come you men always want to have a conversation when my mouth is full?" Woman : "right I have your right testicle firmly in my hand,we are not going to hurt each other are we?" Dentist : *nervously - with his balls being squeezed* "I am going to give you an injection, all you will feel is a little little prick" Woman : "yep, that applied to last night too" Dentist *ever more apprehensive, tries to strike up a conversation* "so what do you do for a living?" Woman :*engaging his testicular fortitude to the maximum* "I work in the courts, and you better make sure you pull the tooth,the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?" (Apologies all round in the face of gnashing teeth, dont bite my head off) | ||||||
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| Sunday, December 23, 2012, 9:43:37 AM- An ode to Newbie Nudes | ||||||
Some come here to masturbate Some come here to exasperate Some come here to procrastinate Some come here to exacerbate Some come here just to lurk Some come here just to jerk Some come here just to shirk Some come here instead of work Some come here to have a joke Some come here to online poke Some come here for a stroke Some come here,sex to invoke Some come here but are discrete Some come here just to tweet Some come here just for a meet Some come here just or the treat Some come here PMs to view Some come here, nothing else to do Some come here to start anew Some come here to look at you Some come here for sympathy Some come here for empathy Some come here for company Some come here for a fuck buddy Some come here boasting profile views Some come here simply to abuse Some come here issues to diffuse Some come here to blog their news Some come here to verify Some come here to vilify Some come here to pacify Some come here just to decry Some come here to activate Some come here to titillate Some come here to make a date Some come here to ejaculate Some come here just to brood Some come here to be rude Some come here to be nude Some come here to be crude Some come here to self advertise Some come here,cam before our eyes Some come hear to hear the sighs Some come here to fantasize Some come here but barely speak Some come here just to peak Some come here, mild and meek Some come here to attention seek Some come here to show off their wives Some come here to brighten their lives Some come here for the fun it derives Some come here for their sexual drives Some come here for kinky interludes Some come here and their cock protrudes Some come here in sexy moods ......but all come to enjoy Newbie Nudes o | ||||||
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| Wednesday, December 5, 2012, 11:42:54 PM- so how many times do you get married? | ||||||
Went to a wedding over the weekend.It was a great day in an exclusive hotel in grounds in the countryside,beautiful place and the food etc was brilliant,my friend looked radiant and so happy on her wedding day but the thought crossed my mind that,at approaching fifty, I really do hope she has found happiness this time round for the rest of her life.Especially when you consider it was her third marriage and his second and their respective kids were there too.I suppose we all hope to meet THE one when we are youngish (but not too young) and settle down etc,etc.Sad but true that it rarely works out that way,as the divorce statistics show.I got married first time round out of some sort of misguided duty cos we were living together and was in love with someone else on my wedding day but apparently that sort of scenario is not uncommon. Managed to square up the love thing with the guy I married second time round and really did mean my vows that day.Never really got caught up with the full bridal bit though on either occasion and as someone said the other day, the bigger the wedding the more likely the marriage is to fail. Anyway,I suppose we all would change our lives if we could go back in time and if those on NN are anything to go by, there are plenty of sad tales to tell out there and quite a few lonely people.Everyone to their own and I know maarriage is a dirty word to some but I wonder how many people in general nowadays do or expect to acheive the stereotypical model that was once the norm? i.e. get married, have the kids and stay together for the rest of their lives? | ||||||
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| Friday, November 23, 2012, 8:23:21 AM- so there are these two old guys in a pub | ||||||
They are talking about their sex life at home(of course).The first guy is blissfully happy with his twice a week routine at home but the other guy is feeling a bit desperate. Fred: "whats up mate?" Joe : "Cant satisfy her,she wants it as soon as I get home from work and at night as well" Fred: "sounds like a dream come true for most of us" Joe: "it was great for a while but now I am getting to the end of my tether,just cant cope with it and now she is ridiculing me because I just cant satisfy her big pussy any more" Fred: "ok I tell you what to do.Tell her if she carries on like this, her insides will fall out of her vagina.It's the symptom called *pussygiganticus* and the only cure is abstinence for a while then vastly reduced sexual content from then on" A week later. Joe : "It didnt work mate,she ignored me,she is as insatiable as ever". Fred: "ok then, desperate times calls for desperate measures.So go to the butchers and get a load of pigs giblets and intestines and before you leave for work tomorrow, sneak into the bedroom so as not to wake her up and leave them between her legs." The next day,Joe calls Fred on the phone. Joe : "oh my god,mate, it didnt work.She just rang to say I was right about the intestines problem but although she had a right job getting them all back up, she is`looking forward to our tea time sex as usual" | ||||||
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| Tuesday, November 20, 2012, 5:27:56 PM- Silly ditties for your amusement ( hopefully) | ||||||
There was a young man from South Kent Whose prick was extremely bent To get out of trouble,he bent it in double And instead of coming he went. There was a young man called Hunt Who could perform an amazing stunt His versatile spout could be turned inside out Like a glove and be used as a c***. Anon | ||||||
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| Tuesday, November 6, 2012, 8:49:00 AM- "All human life is here" | ||||||
When one of the worlds greatest philosophers wrote those words he can't have envisaged how accurately it portrays Newbie Nudes circa 2012.We all come here for different reasons and satisfy those motives or not as the case may be. Certainly these can be murky and shark filled waters to sail, but the way some people get het up on comments made about their profile or whatever never ceases to amuse me, especially when you just know that the provocation was designed to instigate the agitated response in the first place. Anyway, as one of the biggest idiots on here,at no extra charge to yourself, I give you.. An idiots guide to survival on NN. - Keep your friends close - Keep your enemies closer - Ostracise the racists - Challenge the pervs - Embrace the humourists - Take the piss out of the gobshites - Stear clear of the religious freaks - Add the sexy ones to your "friends " list - Humour the narks - When all else fails default to the "fuck off c***" button Apologies to anyone who did not get a mention. mwah | ||||||
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| Tuesday, October 30, 2012, 1:42:09 PM- The misunderstood? | ||||||
Hiya you, no sooner finished singing the praises of the status on here than I ran into a few unsavoury characters last week.I am not quite sure where some fellas get off on being so totally obnoxious to everyone but I am sure they have their reasons but still.Having had to deal with plenty of them in both my private and business life, I always trying to get inside their heads and try and suss out the reason for their antaganism but the problem on here of course is the inability to read either body language or voice tone. Usually I try to humour them but figure out that they are unhappy from being impotent both in the bedroom and in the outside world and the anonimity of the internet allows them the ability to shout the loudest or be the nastiest to compensate for the lack of,er, testicular fortitude that they suffer in their day to day life, ordinarily. As my youngest daughter succinctly puts it, they got "little man syndrome." It's a shame really because you see women disappearing the minute they log on for fear of reprisals but seeing as I am made of sterner stuff and having seen it all before, there is no way they are driving me away. Besides, when all else fails and reasoning is exhausted there is always the option to default to the "fuck off c**t" button as so brilliantly suggested by someone on here once,lol. Hey just noticed I got messages coming in, so catch ya soon, Lxxx | ||||||
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