Here is a fun game for everybody to try:

1) Go into a supermarket and grab yourself a trolley.
2) Head straight for the alcohol aisle.
3) Fill your trolley up with nothing but alcohol. Jack Daniels, Smirnoff, even a nice bottle of Jagermeister.
4) Once your trolley is full, make your way over to the checkouts, but on the way, pick up a packet of nappies.
5) Place your things on the conveyor belt at the checkout, and let the woman/man scan everything through.
6) When she/he reveals the cost of your shop - say "Oh, I'm just short" and instantly put the nappies back.
7) Watch the look on their face.

I love the patriotism we English generate during the World Cup. It's good to see so many St Georges flags fluttering in the breeze on all those French/German/Italian cars..

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

I told the wife she needed to lose a bit of weight, so i put her on this new cat food diet.
2 week later, it was her funeral.
Her Friends and Family wern't pleased and thought i was to blame
'It was you who killed her, you and the cat food diet'
'No it wasn't the diet was fine, it was when she fell of the mantle piece licking her arse, and broke her neck'.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

THE PERFECT SCAM

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks.

The name of the company: "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

Grumpy got into a bath feeling Happy, and Happy got out because he isn't a gay dwarf.



7 dwarfs got in a bath feeling happy...so happy got out feeling grumpy.

World Cup Update
Yesterday; Portugal met North Korea, in Cape Town.
Today; Argentina meet Greece, in Polokwane.
Thursday; England meet France, at the airport.