Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave
them
each a wish.
The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red
head and
she swam off the island.
The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a
brunette
and she built a boat and sailed off the island.
The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all and the fairy turned her
into a
man and he walked across the bridge.

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----
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like
to buy
this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I
would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new
outfit, big
sunglasses,

Then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would
like to
buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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----
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is
approaching from about a block away, thinking,

"Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is
hanging out.
" As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast *is* hanging out.

When he gets face to face with her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite
you
for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
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----
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that
my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why
don't
you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to
relax
and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my
mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need
anything
just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he
looks
out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and
she said that her mom died too!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
--

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?
That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

Q: What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?
A: Hump me dump me

Q:What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.

Two blonds were walking through the woods, when they came upon some tracks.
The first blond said "They're deer tracks."

The second blond said "No, I think they are bear tracks."

Suddenly they were hit by the train.

The Italian wedding test



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.



Lord ... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'



And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary.
I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes.
I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.
I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator.
I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.

INTERNATIONAL SEX LAWS

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
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2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Makes you hope you never need surgery!)
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3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
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4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)
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5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time ... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
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7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
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8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem, that they had to pass this law?)
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10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam, though!!)

First Date...

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). Oh no, not Marilyn. She was a good girl. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realise that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realised that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Dear Diary...

DAY 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary... not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5
What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Hubby thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I’ve ever been so happy.

DAY 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed-whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

DAY 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me.

DAY 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself...and he did.

DAY 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh NO!!! Here he comes again.

DAY 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!

Why Fishing is better than sex:
1. You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
2. It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
5. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
6. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good Fisher person, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing in a Whaler together.
8. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
10. When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
11. You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
12. There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
13. If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
14. Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
15. Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
16. Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder...
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."

Three pieces of string are standing outside a bar.
There is a sign that says "No strings served."
The first string says, "Well, I'll get served, watch."
So he walks into the bar.
He saunters up to the bar and says, “I’ll have a beer please." The bartender says, “We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
So the second string says, "Well, I'll get served watch."
So he walks into the bar.
He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here. Get out!"
Finally the third string says, "I'll get served."
He messes up his hair, twists himself around and goes into the bar.
He strolls up to the bar and says, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Say, aren't you a string?"
He replies, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."