Laws, Rules and Theorems Explaining the Working of the Universe
Stapp's Ironical Paradox, AKA Stapp's Law: the universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle.
Treiman's Theorem: Impossible things don't usually happen.
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If there is any doubt, make it sound convincing. Theories that are not well founded must be particularly well propounded.
Inanimate objects are inherently spiteful.
Cole'S Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Complicated Internet Acronyms
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.


Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


...so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails...
iMac: never trust a product which is hyped on the basis of its packaging...
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be rebooted for the changes to take effect.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints...

Profanity: the universal programming language.

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra

Programming is an art form that fights back.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Elvis is dead and I'm not feeling too good myself.

Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.

I'm not different, I'm statistically challenged

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Repeat after me, "we are all individuals..."
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.

If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. If it's you against the world, bet on the world.
If there's one thing we learn from history, it's that we don't learn from history.

You do not have to believe in miracles to depend upon them.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting in jail with you saying, "Man! that was fun!"
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Welcome to the Brave New World. Hope everyone brought an antacid?

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.


Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.


The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'


'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

but does it taste like it?

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yes, I do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'No.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan .

'I don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yes,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan .

' No,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,



'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'