Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.

True story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking,
and with a slurring speech the British guy replies;
'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding,
and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)...
a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...
me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him;
'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Brit, with a grin on his face, replies;
'Do you understand that I'm British,
like my car,
which is right-hand-drive,
and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat,
which is the one behind the steering wheel?'

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls ou...t the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big ar*e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by the proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the best of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied,'cause you're ugly.

The ideal wife

• Honey, are you sure you have enough beer for tonight?
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to walk naked at home.
• You are so sexy when you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No, No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That's enough! I don't wanna go for shopping anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ....I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen, a new striptease bar just opened across the street. Why don't we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: “I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!”

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house