I've always had self confidence issues. Mostly physical (acne, stretch marks, and more recently being overweight. Although it's not a good frame of mind, I guess I'm used to it.

More alarming though is that my psychological self confidence seems to have gone down the drain as well. I find myself looking at job ads, seeing that I don't have the skills or knowledge they are looking for and concluding I shouldn't apply because I doubt my capacity to learn. And then there's my lazy procrastinating side as a bonus.

And then there is also this feeling lately of annoying 'everybody' I know. Strangely, it's not only a feeling of lacking friends and support (I don't have many real life friends and they have moved abroad), it's also sad to realise that I'm nobody's best friend. When they have problems, I'm never the first one they call. If they call at all. What does that say about me? That I'm bad at connecting with people I guess...

I think I need a serious overhaul of my way of thinking, I seem to be incapable of seeing my own strong points lately, my flaws loom larger than life. Another negative blog, I apologise, I guess I needed to get it out of my system.

Oh well, I think I'll do some reading now, at least a book can't complain

Firstly, I'd like to thank those who've commented on my blogs and sent me PM's (even if I need to get my ass into gear sending some answers), it's much appreciated

And now some more travel pics, this time from Coimbra (Portugal). With the crappy weather here at the moment, it's nice to be reminded of summer!

Sometimes you don't need words, you don't need actions... You need cute kittens!

You can't look at these and not feel happier

















And this will be me tonight...

So what happens when you post in status impulsively? The result is self pitying 'drivel'... I guess everybody has moments like that, although it's not one of my proudest moments.

Strange how I discover how much I need friends, despite not being a very social person at all.

Yesterday, BF was gone most of the day doing a 100km mountain-biking trip with a co-worker. He had never done more than 65km, so I was curious to see if he would make it He did, but I have a feeling he'll be crawling out of bed this morning and maybe even pushing out a few groans as he descends the stairs (Do I sound sadistic? I'm not, I swear! )

As for me, yesterday was spent between dirty and clean laundry (mountains of it) and dirty and clean dishes (again, mountains of it)... Not my favorite way of spending my Sunday, but it did give me the feeling of having done something useful at least.
Unfortunately, I didn't get around to reading any books or getting any writing done, but we did end our evening together watching Strictly Come Dancing - a recording of Saturday's show so please don't mention who was sent home yesterday I do love a good tango...

Still loads of pictures to show from my trip, I'm pretty much obsessed with photography when I'm traveling Here are the pictures I took in Lisbon. (Except picture number 7 which BF took and I edited)
Enjoy, I hope!

I don't know if there are many lovers of classical music out here. I'm not sure I can actually qualify myself as an enthusiast of classical music: my knowledge is basic at best, which is exactly why I have so many classical music concerts the upcoming nine months. I have lots of exploring to do. But ever since I started this exploration, I feel a certain need is fulfilled by certain pieces I have come to love.

I have these moods when I feel anxious and nervous, without being able to pinpoint why. Sometimes, tonight for example, something can exacerbate this annoying feeling, such as a particularly violent movie scene. So I decided to stop watching television, and retreated into the study where I put on Max Bruch's violin concerto nr 1. Even at half the volume I would have liked to play it at (I do have neighbors after all), such beauty, such pureness of emotion... It just resonates somewhere inside me, like a little piece of a puzzle that falls back into place.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow well, I guess that's not really a surprise. I always get Sunday night blues when I realise that the weekend already over without having taken full advantage.

Oh well, here we go again, nose to the grindstone... But first I get a massage from BF, ten minutes of lovely relaxation before bedtime...

I know I should be grateful for her sacrifices, but often I find myself wishing I could slap some sense into my mother. I didn't know one person could hold so much negativity and lack of self confidence. My dad and I can only look at eachother and sigh when she's in a mood like that.

If anybody wonders why I lack self confidence sometimes, I fear it's hereditary...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some period pains and I'm feeling a bit 'frisky', so a lovely intense orgasm is just what the doctor ordered. The fingers typing this blog entry are about to roam southwards...

Woohoo, first blog entry on my tablet pc! Now I'm really going to be glued to the sofa, lol.

It's been quite an unproductive week at work, I've been very lazy and useless. But today I managed to get some discipline squeezed out of my lazy self. I find that being productive does boost my morale. If only I could remember this feeling, I'd be incredibly productive