the.dude's blog post - things you didnt know (and probably dont care about)

hi everybody

mostly inspired by one of Ocean's blogs (that's now deleted), here's some random information about me that you probably don't need to know and probably don't care about. this was written mostly between waiting for grandma to sleep when i was visiting her a week or so ago. i wish i'd worked out some of it sooner - it might have prevented me from making some stupid mistakes but probably not.

to those who don't like reading the novels, this might be a long one and you might want to tune out now

* i'm allergic to bee stings (i think). the last time i got stung i was very young, and i remember going to hospital for it. i've not been willing to take a chance getting stung for the last 30 years to see how badly allergic i am.

* i've not always been the most well behaved boy but i've been trying really hard for over 15 years now to make a real change in how i do things. mostly it's working. karma is starting to slowly flow back to me.

* i was originally born in country western australia. thanks to my dads 'shortcuts', i've been to almost every town and village and petrol station in the south west of western australia. i think i'd be happy if i never saw any of them again. once we moved to the city i quickly assimilated and now like concrete. as i get older i'm slowly appreciating some parts of nature more but mostly nature tries to hurt me so i stay away.

* i'm so pale that i've been mistaken for an internal bleeding victim when i try to go out in the sun i either burn to a crisp, or the sun avoids me and i don't get brown. along those lines, i once spent the day at the water park in kelmscott? and spent the whole day in the tubes, and did not equate being outdoors and needing sunscreen as the same as being inside transparent tubes of water that amplify the suns burning powers. myself and my mates went home with water blisters over our backs. for several days i slept on my front.

* i have now lived longer in the same house in collingwood than i have lived anywhere else in my life. for a renter that's kinda odd.

* i really highly value my old friendships. i don't make good friends that easily, so those friendships that have lasted over the years (and the interstate and inter-country moves) i really like. my oldest friends have known me since i was 14 or so now. they know the way i fail occasionally and don't get that mad at me when i repeat the same mistakes. some of them are really good at reminding me that i'm not as bad/useless/worthless as i think i am at times, and have helped prevent me from doing stupid things over the years. one who has recently returned to my life let me stay at her house whenever i made myself homeless between the ages of 14-22. i doubt i'll ever be able to pay her back what i feel i owe.

* i'm not particularly good with people. i work better with computers and logical things. computers like me. people often don't (at first). over time i apparently become better. the exception are kids and babies. they love me straight away generally. this is annoying because kids are a form of people, and as already expressed i'm not a huge fan of people. it's like i enter the room and they make a beeline for me. if they're crying, i just have to ask why and they shut up and just stare at me. i prefer kids once they can understand logic. i like the logic of "if you don't make my life a hassle, i'll not make yours a hassle". this eventually works. since i'm the only uncle/fakeuncle with the computer games and the lego and the toys and the shiny things, they generally decide quickly they prefer not making my life a hassle. i'm ok with people i've known for a while, or know well, and online i'm better but i can happily go for days without actual interaction with people.

* before FB made it really easy, i used to remember birthdays and send people messages for their day. it's a little thing but it can make such a difference to peoples days.

* i can barely swim. i like pools over the ocean. if i cant touch the bottom and keep my head above water i start to get nervous. i nearly drowned as a kid, and i went to the beach generally only for swimming lessons for two weeks a year, at a beach where waves broke regularly. i like water tubes occasionally but since the last occasionally was nearly 20 years ago i'm not sure anymore.

* i stayed away from home regularly throughout my high school years. i'd argue with the parental units and leave rather than stay and keep arguing.as i got older i stayed away longer. i still have the habit of leaving rather than continuing to argue. i just walk off generally. or hang up. my brain can't think as quickly as it needs to and i need time to process stuff otherwise i end up saying and doing things i regretted after, so leaving became the best option for me. it's like my brain fills up with too many thoughts and words and just gets confused.

* when i'm hurt and wounded, i tend to lash out and hurt those around me. i can be really cutting with my words without realising how cutting i am being. i try not to anymore, but its difficult and not natural. i think i figure that if i hurt, then others can hurt too, and if one of those is the person who hurt me then all the better. i'm not really sure. when i do it, and realise later what i've done i don't really remember it the same way. i can see what i've done - there's normally evidence, but i don't recall doing it. i think in my hurt upset daze i just forget everything i've tried to learn. i thought i was over it until recently i was reminded i'm obviously not. again, this often translates into leaving a discussion i don't like or don't feel able to handle. i can sometimes predict it's gonna happen and leaving without explaining is easier and quicker and trying to leave with the explanation of "i'm leaving because i'm about to get really cruel and mean i can feel it and i don't want to do that to you".

* i've been baptised, had first communion, and been confirmed. i've had every roman catholic rite that can be done done to me except for marriage, dying and becoming a priest. i was an altar boy as well. i'm probably the only guy you know who's slept in at least two nunneries most of the priests i saw as an alter boy could barely speak english and were way out of their depth in country west aus so i never saw anything that these days is typically associated with catholic priests. these days i'm a confirmed non agreer with organised religions and anybody who preaches religion. unless it's my religion - that's acceptable.

* i dislike double standards, especially when i feel i'm suffering because of them. i don't like them in general though. every ones equal. we're all the same. get over it.

* i dislike bullies and people being picked on or treated badly. sometimes i step in. sometimes these days i worry that if i step in i'll cause more trouble for everyone and especially me so i don't. i forget that i'm not the old me who was younger and faster and stronger and more intimidating than the average person was. not i'm the older, slower, more breakable, less intimidating looking me. i used to be able to stand up and that'd make people sit down and behave. now if i had to back up my words, i'd probably come out worse for me. if it's an internet bully i step in almost automatically because well it's the right thing to do.

* i've been in more car accidents than i can easily remember. i got a whiplash payout in 1990 (i think) for some of them. in only one minor one was it my fault. the rest i was either the passenger or just the unlucky driver who suffered because of someone else. it means i cant turn my neck around as easily as others can, and i can't lift as much as i used to. i don't drive anymore in part because of not being able to turn my head, and in part because i don't need to drive. i still have a license. it's my form of ID. i don't have a passport.

* my hair is softer and finer than you expect. and dead straight.

* i'm pigeon toed

* I've only woken up in hospital once from drinking, and never had my stomach pumped. there were several times when stomach pumping was probably a sensible idea but i survived. most people (old friends who are familiar with my early drinking years) assume i've woken up in hospital because of drinking more than once, and had my stomach pumped more than once.

* i've never had an STD (i think they're called STIs now?). the doctor who did the first test, and who i'd seen for many years prior to then, was completely surprised when the tests *all* came back negative. i started bonking before condoms became compulsory, so it was a pleasant surprise to find out i was, as suspected/expected, clean. he had expected that i'd caught something but recovered naturally.

* i was a private high school kid. a strict roman catholic based high school. it sucked and we barely got along. i'm semi sure strings were pulled to ensure i was allowed to stay there till graduation. i can't really go into details there.

* i have more sneakers than you think.

* i have the collector/hoarder gene, and like things.

* i like books. especially pretty picture books, or nonfictional fact type books. and true australian crime. my book collection normally surprises everyone because there's always something they didn't expect to see.

* i like being prepared and having a plan. not knowing what's going on makes me anxious. i'm not good with surprises.

* i try to apologize when i do the wrong thing. some things are deserved but other things aren't, but the wrong thing generally stands out as the wrong thing. i wish others would realise their wrong things but doesn't happen as often as i want. i think when i learned to apologise it was a good step forward.

* 5? years ago i had a psych eval done which, among other things, determined that i have a habit of self destructive tendencies where because i expect things to go bad (for me), i manufacture the environment to enable them to go bad (for me). i don't always realise i'm doing this. i do it so when things go bad, the situation fits what i had thought would happen. now i'm aware of it, i can see where i've done that certainly in my past. unfortunately i haven't worked out how to stop this one yet. i tend to burn bridges. i see things as bad so it doesn't matter if it's worse. unfortunately when i snap out of it, i work out that worse is actually worse, and that i liked those bridges that are now embers. this ties into the lashing out and leaving i mentioned earlier.

the same psych eval said i didn't have aspergers syndrome, which was the primary reason getting the eval done. i've got heaps of similarities to aspergers and autism but i'm a special mix that so far has defied definition.

* i dislike when i don't do things i say i'll do. I keep track of more things that i haven't done when i said i would than is probably healthy. i remember things i said i would do for years after the people involved have forgotten them.

* on a related note, i dislike when i feel i've let myself or others down. i don't volunteer for important jobs because of this. my life seems to go up and down a lot and its caused me to let people down so by not volunteering for positions of responsibility it means my ability to screw up is reduced. i do favours for friends. i don't do work for them. i give people things, rather than sell them. selling them implies responsibility. i volunteer to work at my friends conventions, i don't volunteer to help plan and organise and timetable. i just set things up and do what i'm told.

* i prefer to do the work generally rather than be a boss. i don't like silver service restaurants. i don't like being waited on.


hmm... it doesn't feel like i've written lots because they're all short paragraphs but when i scroll back it looks like another novel. probably like lots of other people on nn, i find writing these blogs to be good for me, and help me to work out the confusion that's often inside my head.

in other news, grandma is well and didn't look a day over 100. perth is still perth and i'm still glad i don't live there anymore. zoro disappeared a few weeks before i flew to perth and hasn't been seen since. the other 'notzoro' cat has been hanging around a lot more and being a lot more friendly than normal. it's a bit weird.

oh other big news is i turn 40 in 7 days. no more saying i'm in my 30s


have a good week everybody