When it came to that website, I wrote on alot of stuff, especially dealing with depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. I especially wrote alot about BDD, and it still affects me to this day, which is obvious from my photos and pessimistic personality. This is acopy and paste, even my age at that time. There were pictures, but I don't know how to post pictures on here.

And I've been here five years.

"It's an ongoing torture that's for sure.

When I see women who aren't exactly skinny or may have saggy boobs but feel good about themselves, I try to figure out how they do it. How can they say they love themselves when skinny and perky breasts are constantly shoved in your face?

How do they do it?

How do they even brush off nasty comments without crying and whatnot?

How?

It's something I'll never understand, and may never get as long as I'm living on this Earth.

Problems I deal with.

I post nudes online, so that involves taking off half or all of my clothes to take a photo. When I do I have to set my phone up somewhere, and see my naked body in the camera. Instead of feeling proud about it, I feel nothing but disgust about my body. I honestly posted my nudes there as a test to see if guys liked what I got. Apparently some do, something that surprised me every much. Despite positive comments I still focus on the negative, and still complain about my body.

I see my stomach, and think how it isn't flat.

I see my height, and wonder why I'm short for someone at 29 years old. I could easily blend in a high school, as I get mistaken for a 14 year old. I wish I was taller, but that's never going to happen.

I see my 36DDs, and wonder why they couldn't be smaller and perky instead of big with a bit of sag. I also don't like it when they go to the sides when I lay on my back. I have to hold them together with my arms.

I see my face and wonder why I was born ugly. My lips are small and not plump, my eyes are round and not almond shaped, and one eyelid has a problem. My nose also doesn't look good, and I swear one nostril is a tiny bit wider than the other.

I know a Space that allows nudes, and as always the photos posted are skinny women who are also tall with perky breasts. Next thing you know I'm depressed, wondering why I can't look like them. They also get way more upvotes than someone who doesn't look perfect.

Followers try to get it through my head that I should focus on the positives, but it's a hard to.

I guess I have a weak mind.

I have (REDACTED) because of my appearance, and twice (REDACTED) my boobs because I hate them so much. I (REDACTED) them a year ago, and recently (REDACTED) them one time. I start crying as well, wondering why they look the way they do.

Why can't I look like these women?

(I posted a picture of three women wearing bikinis, all skinny with perky boobs and tall.)

Wherever I go whether it's Q, FB, and the stores I can't escape any of this. I question everyday why I don't look perfect, and how people have so much confidence. I wonder too that when they say God made everyone perfect, why didn't he make me perfect?

They also say women are the most beautiful creatures, but why am I not perfect and a most beautiful creature?"

I'll add as I did in previous blog entries: It's hard to accept what society deems perfect. Even this website shoves perfection, despite NN saying it welcomes everyone "imperfect" like myself. I have come across forums where women like me were bullied off being called fat ass or guys telling us to lose weight. Because we don't look like those women we're put in the back and forgotten.

This bloody road remains a mystery
This sudden darkness fills the air
What are we waiting for?
Won't anybody help us?
What are we waiting for?
We can't afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
This shattered dream you cannot justify
We're gonna scream until we're satisfied
What are we running for?
We've got the right to be angry
What are we running for?
When there's nowhere we can run to anymore
We can't afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
Won't anybody help us?
What are we running for?
When there's nowhere, nowhere we can run to anymore
We can't afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible
Yeah (we can't afford to be innocent)
Yeah, yeah (stand up and face the enemy)
(It's a do-or-die situation)
(We will be invincible)
Oo-ooh, yeah, yeah (we can't afford to be innocent)
Yeah (stand up and face the enemy)
Yeah, yeah (it's a do-or-die situation)
(We will be invincible)

Fe vældur frænda rogi
Føðesk ulfr i skogi
Fe er firða gaman
Frænda rogu
Gravseiðis gata
Ormen ligg i kveile
I løyndom vakar under
Som ei helufallen åker
Strif dom frender råker.
I kveile
Ormen ligg i kveile
I løyndom vakar under
Som ei helufallen åker
Strif dom frender råker.
I kveile
Fe vældur frænda rogi
Føðesk ulfr i skogi
Fe er firða gaman
Frænda rogu
Gravseiðis gata
Ormen ligg i kveile
I løyndom vakar under
Som ei helufallen åker
Strif dom frender råker.
Ormen ligg i kveile
I løyndom vakar under
Som ei helufallen åker
Strif dom frender råker.
Ormen ligg i kveile
I løyndom vakar under
Som ei helufallen åker
Strif dom frender råker.

LyricsVideosListen
My coconuts, you can put 'em in your mouth
(Right now, right now, right now, right now)
My coconuts, watch 'em bounce up and down
(Bounce up and down, bounce up and down)
Coco', I tan and lotion, sunsets over the ocean
Look up, hot air balloons, all good things come in twos
Work them out at the gym, dive in and take a swim
Everybody love the twins
Everybody love the twins
So juicy and so ripe, you wouldn't believe
I give 'em different names, Mary-Kate and Ashley
They ask me what's my size, just give 'em a squeeze
Strawberry, mango, lime don't compare to these
My coconuts, you can put 'em in your mouth
(Right now, right now, right now, right now)
My coconuts, watch 'em bounce up and down
(Bounce up and down, bounce up and down)
Coco-licious, dripping down your face
So delicious, bet you wanna taste
My coconuts, you can put 'em in your mouth
(Right now, right now, right now, right now)
Ooh, la-la-la, la-la-la, whipped cream, cherry on top
Ice cream, sweet cocoa puff, tight jeans, tropical pop
Ooh, ma-ma-ma, gimme a Piña Colada-da-da
Look at these margarit-ta-tas
Look at these margarit-ta-tas
So juicy and so ripe, you wouldn't believe (believe)
I give 'em different names, Cartier and Tiffany
I know you wanna bite, get your face in these (in these)
I see 'em in your eyes, so meet the double D's
My coconuts, you can put 'em in your mouth
(Right now, right now, right now, right now)
My coconuts, watch 'em bounce up and down
(Bounce up and down, bounce up and down)
Coco-licious, dripping down your face
So delicious, bet you wanna taste
My coconuts, you can put 'em in your mouth
(Right now, right now, right now, right now)


It's a catchy song for me.

I accidentally deleted it when I tried to hit Edit, so what I had written a few minutes ago won't be word for word.

Quote: "You look beautiful, you get treated beautifully. You look like shit, you get treated like shit."

This is something I see on NN, and in overall society in general. Just look on NN. Every single women who are the most popular and most followed, and who get featured practically all the time, what do they look like?

Tall, skinny, with perky breasts. M.A., the 19 year old French girl, is a prime example of the epitome of perfection. Girl has only been here a few months, and already on the home page as one of the most popular accounts. I have never seen a woman that is similar to my body type in any of those categories at all, or get featured alot.

Then you got women like me, who look like shit and so get treated like shit. I could name the guys who had called me a fat ass and other names, but I don't think NN will allow that. We're never the most followed, most popular, or featured. NN knows what the majority of men want to look at, and women like me are pushed in the back like expired groceries.

Yeah, I'm chubby. Used to be 150, now 142, still chubby. Now I got stretch marks. Bleh.

Yeah, I'm short. Unfortunately it runs in the family, every woman in my family is like 5'0" like me or 5'1". I wasn't blessed with tallness.

Yeah, I have saggy big boobs. Unfortunately when my body grew, it decided to give me the worst kind of chest imaginable instead of perfectly round and perky like M.A.'s breasts.

Women like M.A., P.A., A.I.W., KandS, K.F., T.R.J.J., etc. have it pretty easy and don't deal with bullying. After the way I've been treated and how women like me have been treated, I learned it's just better not to be nice, which is why I removed the Angel from my username. I'm no longer nice, so I'm no longer an Angel.

It may get to a point where I may leave permanently because I just don't belong here with those women. If it's not them, it's the bullies as well. There was even a forum where a woman from 2014 described how she's leaving due to the amount of bullying. I REALLY wish NN had a sister site for people like me and others, no Perfect Ones allowed. I'd definitely feel like a weight has been lifted if NN did that. Otherwise, it's nothing but a negative experience for me because I don't look perfect. Yes I report these guys, but they're never booted from the site. They're just given a warning, and a suspension on their account. I even have to get support to remove the bullying comments due to no premium.

Again, "you look beautiful, you get treated beautifully. You look like shit, you get treated like shit."

And like I said under a friend's blog, "No matter how nice we are, perfection always wins."

It's unfortunate we live in a world where looks ultimately matter, not personality.

Was on FB scrolling through clips, and came across a video of a brother and sister duo cooking, the sister wearing a tanktop. She lifts her arms and guess what, armpit hair! I immediately ran to the comments, and sure enough a bunch of people were calling her armpit hair disgusting and that she needs to shave. A couple of women complaining, but most came from men.

What's wrong with women having body hair? Why automatically assume having body hair, especially on a woman, it's disgusting. What doesn't make any sense too is the men especially, 99% of them I guarantee you have chest hair, facial hair, leg hair, arm hair, etc., yet a woman isn't allowed. I myself have to shave my armpits and legs, but won't touch my pubic hair. My sister doesn't shave her legs or armpits, I don't judge her body at all; her body, her choice. Reminds me too of one time a few years ago, a guy on here told me I should shave my pubic hair. I immediately called him a hypocrite, considering he had his pubic hair. When I told him, he said, "Women aren't supposed to have hair, only guys."

Somewhere in history, someone told women that in order to be feminine, you have to shave your legs and armpit hair, and even the pubes. Way back when, women didn't shave and they weren't labeled as disgusting or "must be a dude".

And Hell, if a guy shaves, he's apparently gay. "THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAIR, IT'S MASCULINE!"

If a guy shaves? He must be gay.

If a woman doesn't shave? She must be a dude and she's disgusting.

Body hair which is perfectly normal, and everyone is allowed with what they want to do. THEIR body, THEIR choice.

You're clean shaven? Fine.

You're hairy? That's fine too.

But telling people what to do with their body hair when it's not on YOUR body? That's not fine.

Don't know why, but I decided to Google saggy boobs positivity. Maybe I wanted to know if there are other women out there who has accepted their saggy boobs. So came across a young woman, Chidera Eggerue, who had created a movement of having saggy boobs, but not afraid to flaunt them. Unfortunately while she did get positive comments about the sag, she also got negatives from men and even women.

Why are saggy boobs looked down upon? Look at porn, modeling, and the most popular women on NN on the home page. What do they have?

Small perky boobs. Media and websites have told women that in order to be beautiful and perfect, you must have small perky boobs. Large with sag thanks to gravity is considered unattractive and downright disgusting. It's almost like with so much perfection being branded into our brains, we forgot that the average woman isn't as lucky as our bodies grew beyond our control to have saggy boobs.

I REALLY gotta appreciate the fact that she's accepting of the sag, unlike me. I hope to one day be like her.

Hm. Might write about it again.

And all I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I hate the beach
But I stand in California with my toes in the sand
Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let's have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity centered
Touch my neck and I'll touch yours
You in those little high waisted shorts, oh
Oh, she knows what I think about
And what I think about
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no
'Cause it's too cold
For you here
And now, so let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
And if I may just take your breath away
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides a mind
To move to a place so far away
The goosebumps start to raise
The minute that my left hand meets your waist
And then I watch your face
Put my finger on your tongue 'cause you love to taste, yeah
These hearts adore, everyone the other beats hardest for
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour
Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no
'Cause it's too cold
For you here
And now, so let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
'Cause it's too cold
For you here
And now, so let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa
'Cause it's too cold
For you here
And now, so let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
It's too cold
For you here
And now, let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater
And it's too cold, it's too cold
The holes of my sweater

Looking down on empty streets
All she can see
Are the dreams all made solid
Are the dreams made real
All of the buildings
All of the cars
Were once just a dream
In somebody's head
She pictures the broken glass
Pictures the steam
She pictures a soul
With no leak at the seam
Let's take the boat out
Wait until darkness
Let's take the boat out
Wait until darkness comes
Nowhere in the corridors
Of pale green and gray
Nowhere in the suburbs
In the cold light of day
There in the midst of it
So alive and alone
Words support like bone
Dreaming of Mercy Street
Wear you're inside out
Dreaming of mercy
In your xxxxxxxxx's arms again
Dreaming of Mercy Street
I swear they moved that sign
Dreaming of mercy
In your xxxxxxxxx's arms
Pulling out the papers
From the drawers that slide smooth
Tugging at the darkness
Word upon word
Confessing all the secret things
In the warm velvet box
To the priest, he's the doctor
He can handle the shocks
Dreaming of the tenderness
The tremble in the hips
Of kissing Mary's lips
Dreaming of Mercy Street
Wear you're inside out
Dreaming of mercy
In your xxxxxxxxx's arms again
Dreaming of Mercy Street
I swear they moved that sign
Looking for mercy
In your xxxxxxxxx's arms
Mercy, mercy
Looking for Mercy Street
Looking for mercy
Mercy
Looking for mercy
Looking for mercy
Looking for mercy
Oh, looking for mercy
Looking for mercy
Anne, with her father
Is out in the boat
Riding the water
Riding the waves on the sea

Far Cry 3:

1) Sam Becker

2) Hoyt Volker

3) Riley Brody

4) Alec Earnhardt

5) Vaas Montenegro

6) Oliver

7) Hurk

Far Cry 4:

1) Ajay Ghale

2) Reggie

3) Pagan Min

4) Bhadra

5) Hurk

6) Noore

Far Cry 5:

1) Sharky Boshaw

2) Hurk Drubman

3) Joseph Seed

4) Dutch

5) Eli Palmer

6) Nick Rye

7) Kim Rye

Sheriff Whitehorse

9) Jacob Seed

10) Pastor Jerome

Far Cry New Dawn

1) Hurk

2) Carmina Rye

3) Selena

4) Joseph Seed

5) Thomas Rush

6) Kim Rye

7) Nick Rye

Far Cry 6:

1) Philly Barzaga

2) Matias Alonso

3) El Tigre

4) Jonron

5) Camilla Montero

6) Carlos Montero

7) Bicho/Paz

Red Dead Redemption 2

1) Arthur Morgan

2) Dutch van der Linde

3) Hosea Matthews

4) Charles

5) Rain Falls

6) John Marston

The Last of Us

1) Joel Miller

2) Tess

3) Bill

4) Tommy Miller

5) Ellie

Resident Evil 4:

1) Leon Kennedy

2) Ingrid Hunnigan

Resident Evil 5:

1) Albert Wesker

2) Sheva Alamar

3) Josh Stone

Resident Evil 6:

1) Leon Kennedy

2) Jake Mueller

3) Ingrid Hunnigan

4) Helena Harper

Resident Evil 7:

1) Ethan Winters

Resident Evil Village:

1) Ethan Winters

2) Rosemary Winters

3) Karl Heisenburg

4) Donna Beneviento

5) The Duke

The Evil Within:

1) Joseph Oda

The Evil Within 2:

1) Juli Kidman

2) Stefano Valentini

Howarts Legacy:

1) Aesop Sharp

2) Ominis Gaunt

3) Matilda Weasley

4) Garreth Weasley

5) Victor Rookwood

6) Sebastian Sallow

GTA IV:

1) Niko Bellic

2) Packie McReary

3) Gerry McReary

4) Francis McReary

5) Johnny Klebitz

6) Dimitri Rascalov

7) Phil Bell

GTA V

1) Trevor Philips

2) Michael de Santa/Townley

3) Franklin Clinton

4) Lamar Davis

5) Dave Norton

6) Lester Crest

7) Packie McReary

Silent Hill protagonists:

1) Henry Townshend

2) Murphy Pendleton

Detroit: Become Human

1) Connor

2) Hank Anderson

3) Chloe

Mass Effect trilogy:

1) Thane Krios

2) Garrus Vakarian

3) Mordin Solus

4) Zaeed Massani

5) Commander Bailey

6) Admirl Anderson

7) Admiral Hackett

EDI

9) Joker

Dragon Age trilogy

1) Alistair

2) Wynn

3) Fenris

4) Varric

5) Solas

6) Cole

7) Blackwall

Cullen

9) Leliana

10) Scout Harding