The Graduation Party, which we had this morning, is always a great moment for teachers because you get a lot of positive feedback from former students, parents and authorities. I enjoy this, because it tells me that I am on the right way and I can go on the way I do.

On the way back I went to the shops to buy some food for dinner. Our last dinner for some time. There are so many lasts at the moment, it's overwhelming. I won't do much in the afternoon: lie in the garden, have a swim now and then, read "Oracle Night" by Paul Auster, wait for Phillip. He will arrive in the evening at my house for the last time this year.

And then for a last time, he will fuck me all night, and for a last time for much too long, I will feel him indside me and notice my body respond to him.

I was not walking this morning, I was floating. I was floating on a soft, white cloud. I reveled in the feeling that my body had been used. It made me feel so light, I couldn't keep on the ground. I wanted to stay like this all day: light like a feather in the wind, lightly dressed, feeling nothing on my skin. I chose a not too short summer dress, my little pushup job for effects, and comfortable sandals. Nothing else. That's how I floated from my house towards town.

The day was tedious though. One class conference after another, to decide if the students will be promoted to the next year or if they will have to repeat. We acted as fate and decided on careers - nothing I am fond of. But for some of the teachers it's the moment of revenge. At six we had drinks with some colleagues who will be retired and had their last day today. None of them was a friend of mine. Once I caught one of the militant lesbians in the staff stare under my skirt. She didn't even have a smile for a traitor like me who did it with men.

So it was great to stay in my pool for some length when I was home. Then I watered the garden, had some pasta with pesto sauce and a glass of Italian Chianti, told a student of mine on the phone that he will have to leave the school and now I am sitting here at the computer. How I feel? Light again, nude again, still hurting a little where I am bruised between my legs, but calm. I will sleep soon.

Tomorrow is our Graduation Party.

Don't make love to me, Phillip, when you come tonight. I am waiting for you, I have been waiting for hours, my whole self, and oh, my body. My burning, aching body. I have showered twice to get ready for you, but I'm so hot, and wet, and sweating. And my body is shaking.

I have come to my blog here to shorten my time, to do something else but wait, to stop looking out of the window and listen for every car. I am sitting here for you naked, the way I want to give myself to you, the way you must, you must take me. Naked, and trembling, and wet, and mad with desire. Almost mad, not quite, not yet.

If only I could take my fingers from my burning lust, but I can't. I must feel tonight, feel, feel, feel. I will welcome you at the door, I will kneel before you, I will tear your trousers open, I will take you out, I will grab you with two hands, I will suck you, suck you, till you give me your strength. I will swallow and swallow and get drunk.

But don't make love to me when you come, in a few minutes, in an hour, but fuck me the way you never did before. Take me. Throw me on the bed. Rip me open. Devour me whole. Take me and tear me to pieces, till I pass out again in your arms. Let it be your cock inside my burning body which is the last I feel tonight - and let it be the first I feel in the morning.

But just never stop. Never stop, please.

This question is easy to answer: she would be the angel. Because it's good when you look the part, you don't have to be it.

I am not so sure if I would love to have her in my project, though. There is too big a chance that she would make out with all the shepherds and maybe the cattle, not to mention Joseph, so that Mary would be jealous and neglect little Jesus because her husband wasn't willing to keep off our sweet angel's shaved pussy. And Jesus would catch a cold in the freezing stable and die an infant's early death, and the world couldn't be saved, and all would be our Angel's fault. She would never be allowed back into heaven because she'd blown it - and decide to join hell, as there is no other alternative for a fallen angel. But eventually: don't we all know that a devil is an angel who has finally started to think and become aware of himself / herself and his / her body?

Maybe I would not like to have her because I think she lacks the imagination that a situation can always be different, too, and that reality is only one variety of what is thinkable and therefore possible. That's what the theater is all about. This is, by the way, why I would never do a nativity play: it's a set story which does not allow much for variation (as you can see above) - so it presents you as a director with a pretty uncreative situation.

Speaking about angels: when I left the school before noon, Traudl was sitting outside on some stairs in the park and intent on talking with one of my male students. You could see that he was flustered to be spoken to by such a pretty stranger, I am sure I know what they were talking about. She walked with me to the bus stop and I told her she could not come home with me. I also informed her about Phillip leaving and of my holidays and that it was a busy time, and so she didn't get on the bus but just waved until we turned round a corner.

PS: No Jacuzzi tonight - Phillip will come to me for the night, though rather late, and he will also sleep at my place for a last time on Saturday. I will meet Elsie and Joerg on Sunday night - they have invited me to dinner, and I am glad I won't be alone.

Three more days to go until Phillip leaves for London.
My mind is at rest,
but what can give peace
to my body?

This is a lovely thing here at NN - I really feel taken seriously by my commenters and those who regularly write messages to me. And they always give me good advice, much better than people at school who often have no time or no intention to listen. Maybe it is really best to give the whole Traudl business some time and see after the holidays what the situation is like. And when it is necessary just to deny whatever unpleasant accusations are made.

Today is the first day I don't have to go in for lessons because all students are busy elsewhere. I really enjoyed the morning, didn't get dressed for long, but got the newspaper from the box a little risqué and had my fruit and cafe latte on my porch in the sunshine. There isn't much in the papers right now besides football world championships. Then I had a swim and enjoyed the wonderful feeling of cool water on my warm skin, and then I walked around the garden like Eve in Paradise and looked at this and that. I cut off all the roses which have withered lately and finally I mowed the little patch of lawn I keep short, so that all looks nice and tidy when my colleagues come tonight.

When I am excited this morning, there is for once not a sexual reason, but that we have decided which play to perform with our school drama project next spring. I can only say that much: it's a great, really fascinating play and I am looking forward to rehearsals in the next few months. For those who don't know: I am in charge of the project, together with three more colleagues, and there will be over 50 students taking part.

It's going to be a lot of hard extra work, but a great pleasure and satisfaction in case we are going to be a success again like last time.

"Very strange indeed... How does this make you feel?" is what Glassdick asked me in his comment lately, and I think he was referring to Traudl and the fact that she allows herself liberties we are not so fond of. It is a good question - and not so easy to answer. It certainly makes me think, because it seems that we are up to something which threatens to get out of hand a little.

I am aware of course that it is partly my - or better - our fault. We have invited her, if not to say bought her, for sexual services which seem to have meant more to her than to us. I have to face the fact: we have bought ourselves a fantasy, but it was a human being who arrived. And it is the human being we have to deal with appropriately. Although she looks like an elf, she is none - instead she is a deprived and socially unstable kid who is looking for help wherever she can.

Unfortunately I think that while grabbing for support, she is not very choosy and might as well not notice when she does more harm than good. I will certainly have to talk with her and put things staight. I hate the fact that up to a certain degree she can do harm to me - I would not like her to tell around that I was having a 21-year-old street kid as a female lover. There are too many tight-assed people on school boards and in other places who just wait for this kind of information although it is none of their business. It gives them a reason to act - and acting makes them necessary and lets them sleep better, because they have helped to make the world a cleaner place.

In more than one case I know that such meetings also give them an opportunity to fuck their fellow school-board members, but they would be very upset if people were told - it's their own business, isn't is?

The school year is drawing towards an end. Some classes are on a special assignment, so there are only few lessons left to teach. Today and tomorrow in the evening, there will be groups of colleagues in my garden: the theatre group tonight, and the English department on Wednesday.

One of my students failed his finals and will have to repeat the school year - I am sorry for him, but he just didn't work hard enough and took a chance with his exams.

As far as I have heard, Ambitious Annette is leaving our school. Nobody really knows why, because the family is not moving away, and she will not go to another school. She's never been brilliant, but she could follow easily. So it's not really obvious why she leaves.

I have started to study railway timetables and I have been looking for hotels in the South of France on the internet. I will leave Tuesday 11 July, but I still do not know for how long. It might be 5 weeks, or maybe less. It will depend on my frame of mind. When Phillip has left, a lot will be different - but I am open for anything. I know I would be sorry if I wasn't around NN anymore after my holidays - it means so much to me meanwhile: to be writing my daily blog, and to be read.

I have made a successful experiment: I observed myself when Phillip told me he had fucked Traudl at work (excuse the language but that's what I call it when he does it), and I observed myself again when I wrote it down this morning - it did not hurt. My mind has got used to the fact that I have to share him with others; it's just my body which does not know how do deal with him being absent soon.

To my surprise, we were the only guests on the yacht yesterday afternoon, and the Editor expressed his joy that he could see both of us again before Phillip left and worked in London. It was a pretty hot afternoon and we were mainly in the shadow. The champagne was exquisite and so were the snacks; and in the course of the afternoon Phillip and I jumped into the cool water of the lake several times and swam around the elgant boat.

The Editor was wearing a smart ebony linnen suit and his customary captain's cap, and Phillip was in his knee-long swimshorts most of the time. Your humble narrator - well, I was told last time when I reported about it, that it was not dignified and I was being made use of - I was just wearing my bikini panties and the gold chain again, and nothing else (see June 4) - and I noticed very well that both men ogled me with pleasure. But why should they not - I love Phillip being proud of me, and why not allow the old man - who has certainly seen a lot in his days - to have something to rest his eyes on. They didn't see more than nature has wanted me to be like - and I have always been as close to nature as possible.

When we came home from the lake last night we were a little shocked. We could see that someone had been swimming in our pool and using the deckchairs in our absence. Also two towels who had been hanging on a washing line were used and lying on the grass. Three peaches which I had put on the windowsill to soften a bit were eaten, only the stones were lying neatly there. And there was a message scribbled on some scrap of paper: "You were not here, so I used the pool alone, T."

T. like Traudl.

Later in the restaurant we talked about her and her attitude towards us, which started to become a little unpleasant. And Phillip said it might not have been the best of ideas to invite her in the first place, but he had just thought she would fit the role nicely, and there was no-one else in hand to act out his fantasy.

"One evening shortly before office hours ended, I asked her to do some urgent copying for me, and she readily agreed. When I went to the copy room some time later, no-one was left in the office, and she was leaning over the copier, and her skirt had been riding up, and she wasn't wearing anything underneath. Now I knew from my colleagues that she was an easy girl, so I grabbed her hips from behind, and she didn't pull away, but just wiggled her ass against me, and so it happened. She wanted me to do it to her while she was sitting on the copier and start it when she was fucked to have a copy done of her privates."

He only knew that she had left home when she was about 16. She had grown up with her dad and a brother, her mother was in a mental institution, and he didn't know if there had not been anything going on between her and the male members of the family, but she had been taken out there by the authorities very quickly and put into a home. But she had run away, and because she had come of age meanwhile, the authorities had had to let her go. She was now living with a guy much older, as far as he knew. She was working as an intern in the House because their chief of staff knew someone who had been responsible for her. From what he knew meanwhile she was mainly there to make some extra money by having her pussy used. He had asked her for the threesome and she had said that was a funny idea and she'd do it for some financial reward, and so he had eventually paid her 300 Euros.

That is what Phillip knew about Traudl, and quite a different story from what she had told me.