A lot of scents turn me on, but I cannot resist someone who smells like they have been working with machinery—like that metallic, oil, dirt smell, yaknow? Maybe it is just that I haven’t had sex in just over a year (and haven’t had GOOD sex since May 2015… ), but I caught that scent from a locksmith that came to change our locks and was so fucking turned on. Kind of embarrassing, but I have no shame here haha. I thought we were having a moment and he made sure to let me know that he left his business card behind so, I looked him up and found that he is happily married with kids. I guess the moment was wishful thinking but now I’ve got some fodder for happy dreams at least

This month has been a whirlwind for me. It started off very rough and emotional for me when I found one of my clients deceased in his room after he'd taken his own life. I've found that even though I have been/still am processing it in a healthy (I think?) sort of way I'm still dealing with the aftermath. I'm experiencing a little bit of anxiety and hyper-vigilance at work; the other day when I didn't see someone up and about I had a minor panic and couldn't concentrate or focus on anything until I went up and checked his room. He was out, he was fine, all was well. I think I just need a bit more time. The other man's family came to get some of his belongings and spend time with some other residents and staff who knew him well. We'd had a service for him already and had some memorial items for them including a book where people could share their memories. I was away, but I wish I'd been there. It really helped my heart to know that he was so loved--he was an unforgettable man and will be fondly remembered by all of those whose lives he touched.

Not long after this happened, I was invited to go to a training out of town because my colleague who had been scheduled to go was not longer able to. I agreed to it without much thought because it was an opportunity to get some space and not have to try to go back to my normal routine right away. And I'm so glad that this opportunity came up because I had an amazing time and learned so much. Now I get to teach this content to people which I think I will really enjoy. The field I work in can feel kind of hopeless at times, but having some extra tools to draw on to help people makes a world of difference and learning among my peers and hearing their struggles and successes in their work places totally energizes me, sparks ideas, and gives me hope.

Then I went back to work for one day and then took a, long time scheduled, retreat in the mountains. It also did me a world of good: fresh mountain air + good food + great friends + writing + endless laughter = full body, mind, and soul healing.

My heart is on the mend and I'm starting to get excited for summer. I'll be in the ocean every single day if you need me

Like most people out there, I have a complicated relationship with my mother. And my grandmother, if I’m being honest. Both have been maternal figures in my life and I owe years of self-loathing and unhealthy behavioural and thought patterns to them, but I also owe my survival to them. They didn’t hold my hand through life, so I learned how to be self-sufficient and independent. I learned from the things they got right and the things that they didn’t. They are human and they did their absolute best, I can’t fault them for it.

I had a lot more to say about my mom, but I don't think it is something I want to share here so I'll just say this: moms are constantly held to superhuman standards, so I just wanna say thank you to all the moms out there doing their best. You’re not a failure when you need (or hell, even just WANT) time to yourself, when you get a job, when you make the wrong choices, when you do what you must to put food on the table, when you wish you never had kids and daydream about them getting the fuck out from under your roof… you’re gonna feel like a bad mom because we have way too high of expectations for moms; you don't stop being human when you become a mom and you’re doing a fucking great job .

*Related side note: I had a session with a trauma counselor last week and she told me that she often, in good humour, calls parents narcissists when they stress about ruining their kids' lives. She made a good point that out of the kids entire lifetime, parents are only a drop in the ocean of influences that kids have once they start going out into the "real world" of school, daycare, making friends, etc and leading into adulthood where they then become responsible for their own choices and behaviours. Yes, those are definitely important formative years biologically, psychologically, and socially, but I (with my limited knowledge of child development, to be sure ) think she is on to something...

[And in case anyone thinks that I am a parent, I am not, this was an analogy she used to discuss something else, but it stuck with me and felt relevant today.]

My absolute worst fear at work came true this weekend. It is gruesome and probably not appropriate content for a blog but I'm... almost at a loss for words? I'm sad, angry, confused, feel guilty, feel nothing. I know, rationally and intellectually that these feelings are normal. I know that I did my job and followed procedures. I know that I have support and healthy coping mechanisms. I know that I'll be fine, that one day I'll realize that I've gone an entire day without thinking about it and I'll close my eyes and I won't see it and I won't feel guilty for moving forward or wanting to move forward. These are things I know. One day at a time, I'll be alright. I'll take care of the little things, I won't drink too much, I'll get lots of fresh air, I'll exercise, I'll cry, I'll write, I'll feed myself a vegetable now and then, I'll laugh and I'll get through. Sometimes I feel like I'm becoming too hard from this job, but I'll always stay soft and remember why I do this.

Scoured forums looking for his goodbye thread (wandered into a thread that I wish I hadn't LOL) but I couldn't find it.

I've been spending a lot of time, honestly waaaay to much time, going through all my old PMs now that I have premium and goddamn it was a real bittersweet walk down memory lane. I found some old messages from Carty when he came back on a ghost account to let people know how he was doing and I just wanted to say, Carty if you ever do pop in: thanks for all the laughs, thanks for pretending to be interested in all my boring Canadian day-to-day activities that you thought were strange, thanks for laughing at me and telling me that stories like the time I took my cat for a walk are why you missed me, and thanks for spicing this place up and being one of my first friends here. I still miss you. I hope you are doing well, happy, and still making people laugh, and I hope that your chicken Chewbacca survived. Oh, and yes, you already told me that you went vegetarian, what else is new??

Been teased with a few beautiful days. Missing this and having the time to enjoy it.

Class of 2008

1. Did you know your current love? I do not have a current love, so that's a no

2. Make of car? Didn't get my first car until I was much older... like 2 years ago haha and it's a Chrysler

3. What kind of work? Dishwasher in a hotel and cashier at a dollar store

5. Were you popular? Not really, moved around a lot so was always the new kid

6. Were you in choir? Nope

7. Ever get suspended from school? Nope

8. If you could would you go back? Nah, pretty happy with where I am now

9. Still talk to the person that you went to prom with? I don't even remember if I went to my prom with anyone... BUT I was my friends prom date to his prom and we are still friends

10. Did you skip school? Occasionally! Though by my senior year I had moved out and I made my mom sign a consent so I could phone in for myself if I wanted a day off lol. I didn't take advantage of it enough though, was way to serious as a teenager

11. Go to all the football games? Fuck no haha

12. What was your favorite class? English

13. Do you still have your year books? No, wish I did though half the time I didn't even buy one because I couldn't afford but I do regret that a little.

14. Did you follow the career path you chose in high school? Kind of? I always wanted to be a writer... still working on it!

15. Do you have a class ring? Nope

16. Still close with your BFF? Yes, thank god

17. Who was your favorite teacher? I am kicking myself because I don't remember her name (I don't remember any of my teachers' names, I have a terrible memory) but she taught English 20 and inspired a lot of confidence and encouraged me to follow my creative instincts

18. Did you letter for sports? I have no idea what that means but I had absolutely nothing to do with sports after I turned 15 lol

19. Did you graduate with a 3.0 or higher? I think so? Possibly not in my senior year due to precarious living situations and working 2 or 3 jobs at a time, BUT my grade 10 and 11 grades were great and probably saved my ass big time and helped me get an entrance scholarship into uni for my first degree

20. How old were you at graduation? 17

Copy then change answers. If you’re inclined to participate that is. Loved reading everyone's responses!

On the topic of people leaving the site and the site just not having the same general atmosphere that it used to, I have to say there are few here (or I should say who are no longer here) that I miss dearly. Like, I still think about those people all the time. It's wild how we can make such close connections with people that we never meet. Some of them, I do have other ways to reach out to which is awesome--I'm so happy and lucky to have those people but it really sucks to have gone out of touch with others. Especially after having daily contact with them, sharing our joy, struggles, and sorrow. I have definitely been fortunate enough to receive a lot of support from people here and I look up to, and respect so many of the people I have met here. Just putting the energy out there that you are missed!

For the ones who are still around I'm amazed at how even after years of not having any contact with you all it feels so easy to just slip back into old friendships with jokes, banter, and heartfelt conversation. Thank you for that. Some things change, but thankfully, for the most part, the people stay the same .

-feeling the sunshine on my skin for what feels like the first time in months
-doing homework at the park
-friends to sing car karaoke and laugh with
-the way that the moon is shining through the clouds right now
-the tremendous cricket Orchestra singing in the back yard
-my cat purring on my belly


Sometimes you just gotta share the things that make you pause and feel happy to be alive, even if they are corny

Trying to figure out if stress turns me on or if I've procrasturbated so much that my body anticipates a good sess when I've got a lot on my plate and am trying to put work off...