Mellie’s status this morning made me smile and not just because I’m so happy for them. For anyone living under a rock, Mellie and HF met here, completely unexpected and out of the blue. Now they’re all cutesy and loved up.

There is something unique about connecting with someone on NN. You’ve almost certainly seen them naked before saying hello and showing your face is much more daunting than flashing your bits. Then there’s all the online flirting stuff, by pm then email or text then video chat. So if you decide to take the plunge into the real world, you’ve already covered the miles. And that’s where the magic starts.

The anticipation. The nerves. The tension. That first moment. Looking. Touching. No words, just actions. I’ll never forget it.

I ?? you Stretch, you grumpyass mofo!

Sometimes asked in status: Is it cheating to be on NN without your partner knowing? You get different answers from different people, depending on their situation and point of view. It’s easy to moralise when you have a clear conscience, it’s easy to justify your actions when you don’t. Not just NN though, it’s true in real life.

Is there a difference between telling a lie and not telling the truth? Is omitting something the same as not being truthful?

Are all lies equal, or are some worse than others? Is a white lie to save someone's feelings okay, or can you use this as an excuse for any lie?

Does this depend on your point of view too? If honesty is the best policy, isn't it all the same thing?

What do I think? If you’ve nothing to hide, you’ve nothing to fear. It’s a much more comfortable way to live.

When you think you can't possibly love Johnny any more .......

I'm happy you like pubic hair, but no I'm not cultivating it just for you. For the record, I have more than enough hair sprouting in all the wrong places as it is and my bank balance already whimpers when I book my monthly wax appointment.

If you send me a PM with a photo attached, I'm not opening it, nevermind reading it. I've been here long enough to know how to check out your photos if I'm that way inclined.

Thank you for asking me to show my face, I wish I'd thought of that sooner, but after very careful consideration, nope, not in a million years.

I'm premium, so I can use comment manager, and use it I will. I really appreciate most comments, but others not so much. So if something makes me cringe, wince or lose my breakfast, I'm deleting it.

I don't do requests, no matter how many times you copy and paste your requirements. Thongs are torture devices and you honestly don't want to see my feet.

Flattered though I am to be offered money to make a personalised masturbation video, I graciously decline.

Dick pics. No thanks, not in a PM, not as a profile picture and definitely not a gallery full. You're just going to have to trust me when I say we really don't love your penis as much as you do.

I should probably eat chocolate instead of venting. Both are therapeutic, but chocolate works better.

Something happened in status yesterday which got me thinking about why people come here. Obviously it's for the photos first, but most regulars will say they stay for the people. So why is it a surprise that different people like different things? I get that men are generally more visual than women, so I guess lots can be satisfied with a quick perv then off to the pub for a quickie before dinner, but if that were the case for everyone, why would status / blogs / etc exist? The interaction that goes on there tells you lots about the people behind the profiles, some like football (the kind that actually involves feet connecting with a ball), some like song lyrics, some like cooking, some like trivia, some like snarkarsery, some even like politics. The thing is, it's a place for everyone and if there's a status that's not to your liking, surely you can just ignore it and find one that tickles your fancy instead? I can only speak for myself, but it doesn't matter how hot your body is, how amazing your photographic skills are, if your values and opinions are the opposite of mine, I'm not going to find you attractive. I don't think I'm unique, but a photo alone without any context is just a photo. It's the mind behind it that's interesting. Or not.

Oh, and while I'm at it. Does it really matter what fucking size my tits are? Tits are tits. They're big. Deal with it, preferably without caps lock.

The ID verify thingy hasn't stopped male profiles from posting mostly pictures of women. Nope, not talking about the genuine couples accounts, I mean the "Annie this" and "Annie that" wankers.

Funnily enough, no I don't hook up. Not even after a single photo comment.

If I wanted to shave, I'd JFDI. No need for you to pop over.

I'll show what I want, thanks. Caps lock doesn't work any better.

Tune in for another instalment soon.

I have a wall clock with no numbers, just hands. I took it down recently and put it on the table. What time it was depended on which way I looked at it. Bit like life really.

Ever been absolutely certain about something, then gobsmacked to find you’re wrong? Nah, me neither

But seriously, the human brain is amazing, mind blowing even. It controls everything about us, we go about our daily lives giving no thought as to how we actually work. Remember the amount of concentration you needed when you were learning to drive, yet now you barely register the journey to work because it’s second nature. Is it any wonder we can be so adamant that what we think is correct, which makes anyone with an opposing view wrong? Except, they aren’t, they just see/hear/think things differently.

What colour is this dress?


Do you see my point? I KNOW the dress is blue and black because my eyes tell me it’s blue and black, therefore it is blue and black, and anyone who says differently is obviously wrong. Those that see cream and gold are equally insistent that they are right and I should be booking an emergency appointment at Specsavers,

Perception is reality.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/white-house-coronavirus-task-force-briefing
 

(Enter PRESIDENT TRUMP, VICE PRESIDENT PENCE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, DR. DEBORAH BIRX, and SURGEONGENERAL JEROME ADAMS. They all stand in close proximity to each other and touch each other and their faces repeatedly. Also, ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR stands holding a folder.)

TRUMP: Let’s get started. Lots of death. Hydroxychloroquine. Ratings. I am a doctor.

REPORTER: Millions of Americans are still waiting to get tested. Can you explain the delays?

TRUMP: First of all, sports. Secondly, anyone who wants a test gets a test. I wanted a test and I got a test.

(PENCE clears throat and gently moves toward the podium.)

PENCE: I want to build on what the president said by adding that though he is 100 percent right, I should also say that the vast majority of people who want a test will not get a test.

(DR. FAUCI leans over to the podium.)

DR. FAUCI: I want to build on what the vice president said by just adding that the virus will be with us for 18 months and kill 240,000 people.

(Horrified murmurs fill the room.)

REPORTER: So should the public be wearing masks?

(Everyone near the podium shrugs. DR. FAUCI coughs into his bare hand.)

TRUMP: Here is a man who makes pillows.

MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS: I am a man who makes pillows.

DR. BIRX: I’d like to build on the statement of the man who makes pillows. We’ve had three months of conflicting messages on masks, so I want to clarify that it is not at all necessary that you wear a mask unless you want to avoid contracting the virus.

(TRUMP looks at DR. BIRX, who is wearing a scarf.)

TRUMP: You could also wear a scarf. I am a scientist.

REPORTER: Healthcare workers are facing a severe shortage of personal protective equipment. What do you tell them?

TRUMP: I had an uncle who was a doctor. I’ve been to a doctor. He wasn’t wearing any protective anything. This man makes things.

(TRUMP again cedes the podium to the MAN WHO MAKESPILLOWS.)

MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS: I am a man who makes pillows.

REPORTER: There’s also a shortage of ventilators. The governor of New York says the state will need 30,000 within the week.

TRUMP: First of all, something something The Bachelor. Secondly, here is my son-in-law.

SON-IN-LAW: We have plenty of ventilators. They’re stored in a hollowed-out mountain and they don’t work. And you can’t have them.

TRUMP: Ford is making ventilators. Millions of them. Because defense.

(DEFENSE SECRETARY MARK ESPER appears and moves to the podium.)

ESPER: Just to build on that — no one is making ventilators. We tried to order some, but the online form asked for a password, which I totally knew, and then it asked my favorite animal, which is lemur, but it said it wasn’t lemur. So I took a break.

(PENCE is handed a piece of paper, reads it, and moves to the podium.)

PENCE: Our friends from Russia have just agreed to send us eleven ventilators. Our path to re-election is now clear.

REPORTER: Who will get these eleven Russian ventilators?

PENCE: Okay, we have a system. Two at a time, state governors will enter a dome made of steel tubing. Once inside the dome, the governors will be attached to rubber harnesses that allow them to spring around the dome with great speed. Using these harnesses, they will have access to a variety of weaponry and—

REPORTER: Are you describing the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome?

(PENCE steps aside. He has not seen this film or any films.)

STEVE MNUCHIN: I can field this one. I used to produce movies such as The Conjuring 2. Now I am Secretary of the Treasury.

REPORTER: Secretary Mnuchin, when will Americans get their stimulus checks?

MNUCHIN: We know Americans are struggling. Unemployment will soon hit levels not seen since the Great Depression. People are hungry. They are broke. We get it. So I’m thinking 20 weeks.

(VICE PRESIDENT PENCE whispers into SECRETARYMNUCHIN’s ear.)

MNUCHIN: Or never.

(VICE PRESIDENT PENCE again whispers into SECRETARYMNUCHIN’s ear.)

MNUCHIN: The people who aren’t getting money won’t have to wait.

REPORTER: The USNS Comfort is docked in New York City. It has 1,000 beds and 1,100 staff. But there are only twenty patients being treated there.

(A MAN WITH DYED ORANGE HAIR steps up to the podium.)

MAN WITH DYED ORANGE HAIR: My name is Thomas Modly. I am the Secretary of the Navy. I do not dye my hair.

REPORTER: Patients say the process of being brought onto the hospital ship is unnecessarily complicated.

SECRETARY MODLY: Our system is very straightforward. First, a potential patient is sent to one of the many overburdened hospitals in New York City. At one of these overburdened hospitals, they are turned away and sent to a veterinary office in Delaware. At the veterinary office in Delaware, they get bloodwork done and are sent to a motel in New Jersey. In New Jersey, they’re shown a movie about puberty and sent to a Duane Reade in Connecticut. At the Duane Reade in Connecticut, they get the results of their bloodwork, and if they’re not sick, they’re welcome to board the USNS Comfort.

REPORTER: So only healthy people are allowed to come aboard your hospital ship?

SECRETARY MODLY: Listen. This is a ship, with all kinds of tiny rooms and funny little doorways. You can’t have a bunch of sick people in a place like that.

REPORTER: But the USS Theodore Roosevelt… Captain Crozier… He tried to tell you… the corona on his ship… Then you…

(The REPORTER can’t finish. It’s too easy and too hard. The MANWHO MAKES PILLOWS steps back to the podium.)

MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS: I am still here, at a press conference during a pandemic. I make pillows.

(PENCE whispers into his ear.)

MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS: And they are terrible, terrible pillows.

(TRUMP returns to the podium.)

TRUMP: They really are horrible. I tried them once. They’re like twelve crusty cotton balls in a burlap sack.

MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS: I also have an honorary doctorate from Liberty University. The one run by Jerry Falwell, Jr. The one that reopened during the pandemic. None of this is made up.

(JERRY FALWELL JR. arrives. He is coughing and feverish. He joins the producer of Conjuring 2, the MAN WHO MAKES PILLOWS, a real estate developer and his son (also a real estate developer) as the brain trust for moving the United States through the worst crisis since Word War II. DR. BIRX and DR. FAUCI are gone. WILLIAMBARR is still holding a folder. PETER NAVARRO, a known moron, arrives.)

NAVARRO: Hydroxychloroquine. Also castor oil. I am a doctor.

SON-IN-LAW: I have just gotten off the phone with Google. They have a cure for the virus.

MNUCHIN: I want to build on that by adding that Google has a website about the virus, not a cure. The website gives sick people the address of a nearby hospital. And also the phone number. Using technology.

PENCE: I want to add onto that by saying that there is no website.

REPORTER: Where did the doctors go?

WILLIAM BARR: I am holding a folder.

(SON-IN-LAW returns to the podium.)

SON-IN-LAW: I sent out a group email to my friends. Some of them are doctors. (He checks phone.) He begins watching a video of someone doing the handstand challenge. He smiles.

THE END.

NN has given me RSI, my poor pinky is tired after hitting the "report photo" button three million times today.

I met someone here a lot of years ago, we're still going strong. The benefit of getting to know someone on NN is that there are no surprises, you discover their intimate likes and dislikes early on, you can discuss pretty much anything when you've seen their bits and the awkwardness of getting naked for the first time just isn't there. It's liberating to be that open with someone from the start, it's even more liberating in the bedroom (or kitchen table or car bonnet or wherever floats your boat).

The longer I spend here, the more I realise I would never date in real life again. That sounds terrible, but the things I've seen here have put me off men for life. However judgemental this seems, I'd hate to discover that the nice man who delivers my post likes sticking his penis in weird things, or the chap behind the bar has a thing about inserting bottles in his anus, or that really fit bloke likes my lingerie a little too much. I've discovered I'm pretty vanilla in the weird shit department, my kinks probably wouldn't even make a nun blush (much).

But what I'd hate more than anything else is to discover that the man I trusted had betrayed me, which brings me back to the first line of this blog. If your partner lets you photograph her, or sends you selfies, enjoy it and consider yourself incredibly lucky. Never share those private pics with anyone and don't you dare post them online because if you do, your penis will shrivel to a peanut and your balls will fall off. A worse fate awaits those who take secret photos and post them here, that betrayal is so despicable, I haven't decided on your punishment yet. You have been warned.