On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or sex?' She said: 'Wear sun-block

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.' 'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean , the bartender.'
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O'Conner 's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

TEAMWORK.means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look even more like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the behind.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their jobs properly.

Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

If policy is to recruit from within, where have all these extra layers of new managers come from?

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen (1894-1956)

A filing cabinet is a place where you can lose anything systematically.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

A gram of image is worth a kilo of performance.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson, 1977.

A practised Toady has a 5% advantage over someone who simply does a good job.

A successful manager is one who can delegate all the responsibility, shift all the blame, and take all the credit.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment. - Robert Benchley

Be careful before you demonstrate a capacity for independent thought. Your management may become afraid of you.

I am not a resource. I am a person.

If a job's worth doing, an outsider will be brought in to do it.

If everybody's so busy, how come nobody's actually doing anything? (Actually, they're probably all holding a meeting somewhere.)

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good.

In the long term, delaying or not making a decision nearly always causes more damage than making a wrong one.

Integrity is still the best policy - it just doesn't pay as much.

It's difficult to soar with eagles... when you work with turkeys

It's hard to look forward when you spend most of your time trying to cover your backside.

Job enrichment has been around for sixty years, it's been successful every time it has been tried, but industry is not interested. - Peter Drucker.

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. - The Who (Won't Get Fooled Again)

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organisations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - Dave Barry

Mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his superior.

Monday is the root of all evil.

No matter how far you automate or how tight your security, in the end you will have to TRUST somebody.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching your boss do something you said couldn't be done.

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

People who look at their watches when you arrive are never around long enough to see you leave.

Performance is important, but ingratiation does something more.

Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Photocopiers make rapid reproductions of human errors.

So many years - and what do you have to show for it?

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The absent are always in the wrong. - Philippe Destouches, 1717.

The colour of your tongue is often more important than the colour of your skin.

The first myth of Management is that it exists.

THE GRAPEVINE WILL BE OFFICIALLY ABOLISHED.... But don't quote me, it's just a rumour!

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

The secret of success is to start at the bottom - and kiss it!

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

This place is air-conditioned. In fact, I've never known air in this condition.

Time is money... Time-and-a-half is more money!

Time sheets are the mothers of invention.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

When someone is right behind you, it's normally because he's picking the spot to stab you in the back.

When the captain has run the ship aground, it's always the crew who are thrown overboard to refloat it.

You don't have to be mad to work here; but it helps.

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober.

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go and work it out.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet???
I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !







You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(And that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:" Product will be hot after heating."
(...And you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(And.I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(I'm not even going to put a comment for this one!)

On PMS mediciation: "do not give to children under 3 years."
(What kid under the age of three has a period?)

"you should treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner,
when she stops sucking, replace the fucking bag.