A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken farmer it is".

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.
He's a clueless idiot.”

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and stuff like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two guys are were going hiking, and and went way off trail. One of them says "hey, I gotta go to the bathroom, just a sec." the other one said "ok" as the first guy goes over behind a bush.

the second guy turns around to give him privacy, and no sooner, does he hear..."HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!"

second guy asks"what? what happened?!"

"a snake bit me!"

"where?!"

"ON MY FUCKING COCK!!!!!!"

"oh, ok, i'll call the doctor and ask what to do!"

So he calls the doctor and he answers "hello?"

"hey, my friend and i are in the forest on a hike, and my friend was bitten by a snake. what do i do?!"

and the doctor answers, "well, son, if someone is bitten by a snake, you have to suck the venom out with your mouth."

the second guy falls silent, and hangs up the phone.

"what he say?!" the first guy asks very worried.

and the second guy answers, I'm sorry man, he said you gonna die."

1
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7
Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet.

8
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

12
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15
Don't squat with your spurs on.

16
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

21
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
29 The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
30 We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!

The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.''

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''

So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But, Being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own Respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so One day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old Friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and Kisses.
Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back , Mrs. Cohen, how do you Like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and The caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best Thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that Wonderful! Tell me all about it."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge Of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and Then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she Also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the Edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me Down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then?"
Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we Fuck!