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once you get to know me i am fun to be around, but i am shy at first. i have a good ear and do not repeat what i am told in confidence.
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| Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 9:13:51 PM- "You know why God is a man? | ||||||
Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate....... | ||||||
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| Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 9:08:09 PM- The Tip......... | ||||||
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor." | ||||||
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| Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 12:54:39 AM- Woderwick..........you did it!!!!! | ||||||
Now i am confused.......... | ||||||
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| Monday, April 14, 2008, 8:42:46 PM- Just A Thought.......... | ||||||
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia" | ||||||
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| Monday, April 14, 2008, 8:41:04 PM- What A Morning........ | ||||||
Driving this morning down The Highway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 Ks per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared the shit out of me, so much so that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the toasted sandwich out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. Fucking Women Drivers!!!!!!! | ||||||
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| Sunday, April 13, 2008, 1:50:56 PM- Mother-Daughter Conversation..... | ||||||
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember. Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes? | ||||||
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| Sunday, April 13, 2008, 1:42:09 PM- Virgin Wedding Night.......... | ||||||
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" | ||||||
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| Saturday, April 12, 2008, 9:33:18 PM- Speeding ticket......... | ||||||
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. | ||||||
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| Saturday, April 12, 2008, 12:10:44 PM- Just a thought.................. | ||||||
"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." | ||||||
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| Saturday, April 12, 2008, 12:05:50 PM- Avon Lady............... | ||||||
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" "Well, yes I do." he replied. "What does it smell like?" The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in the forest." | ||||||
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