An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's
beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,
shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the fly
between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

Two blonde ladies at a bus stop: The first asks: "Which bus will you take?"
The second says "the five, and you?"
The first one: "the seven."
After 5 minutes comes the seventy five.
The one blonde to the other: "Now we can ride together."

A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a bloe job, no matter how bad it is."

Women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Why don’t little girls fart?

Because they don’t have assholes until they get married.

A blonde walks into a telegraph office to send an emergency telegram to her mom overseas.
The man at the counter says "That’ll be $150."
The blonde says, "Oh no! I don’t have that much but this is very important - I’ll do Anything to send a telegram to my mom."
The man says, "Anything??"
Yes, she says.
So, he says come back here to the back room.
So she does.
Now, get on your knees.
She does.
Now, pull it out.
She does.
Now hold it in your hand.
So she does.
Now Go For It Baby!
And so she yells as loud as she can, "Hello MOM?!?!"