The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

One day, a husband surprised his wife by grabbing her butt and saying, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of your gurdle".
The wife thought this was childish and said nothing.
The next day he woke her up by grabbing her breasts and saying, "if you firm these up we can get rid of your bras".
That pissed her off, so she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, "if you firm this up, we can get rid of your brother

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a partnership in which one
person is always right, and the other is the husband.

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly."

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and me hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plow?



....Give her a shovel.

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank,
You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and
buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it
would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up,
Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces,and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her.
Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes
back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost xxxxxxxxxxx.
Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What
happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was
fine...it was the crowd!....

What the FUCK is a piñata?!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,she complained to the bus driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came to court.
The judge asked the man(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied. "Well your Honour, it was like this: When
the lady got on the bus, I could'nt help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned."
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident".... I just lost it...."