Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little shit will get harder!

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.




There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.




My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.




One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.




She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.




She said "Before you commit your life to my sister" Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said."if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".




I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.




I stood there for a moment....then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door,
and headed straight towards my car.




Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!




With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My boy, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'




And the moral of this story is:




"Always keep your condoms in your car."

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before ?"

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman:

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,


"Get him Spike!"


See - Men just don't listen!





My thought for today..........






"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without resorting to violence

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A Newfie won a fishing boat in a raffle and tows it home. His wife looks at him and says, "What in the name o' Lard Jasus are you gonna do with dat, bye? We lives on a farm. There's nary a bit o' water within 75 miles o' 'ere."

He says, "Don't care. I won 'er and I'm gonna keep 'er."...

Several days later the Newfie's brother comes over to visit. He looks out in the field behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.
He stands at the edge of the field and yells out to him, "What the fuck are you doin'?"

His brother calls back, "I'm fishin'. What the fuck does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells back, "Lard tunderin' my son, it's people like you that gives Newfies a bad name, making everyone think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick you in the fucking arse."

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.

The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

A grandmother once lectured her grandson about her practical medical knowledge:

“For better digestion, I drink beer,
for loss of appetite I drink white wine,
with low blood pressure I drink red wine,
with high blood pressure I drink cognac,and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”
He asked, “And when do you drink water?”
Her reply: “I have never been that sick!”