A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

OK, everybody else seems to be doing it, so here goes:

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Tea

2. Where was your profile pic taken? It's not a photo - I designed it

3. Worst pain you've experienced? Kidney stones

4. Favorite place you've traveled? Anywhere - I love travelling & meeting people

5. How late did you stay up last night? 23:30

6. If you could move somewhere else where would it be? I'm pretty happy right where I am

7. How do you feel about a turkey burger? Sounds good to me, who's gonna make me one?

8. Which of your NN friends live closest to you? No idea, none of them live in the same country as me

9. Amusement park or concert? Depends on the concert

10. When was the last time you cried? Mother's funeral

11. Who took your profile pic? Nobody, I designed it

12. Who was the last person you took a picture with? My grandkids

13. What's your favorite season? Winter

14. If you could have any career, what would it be? I'd be a cunning linguist

15. Do you think relationships are ever worth it? Yes!

16. If you could talk to ANYONE right now who would it be? My father

17. Are you a good influence? Usually

18. Does pineapple belong on pizza? NOOOOO! It belongs in fruit salad

19. You have the remote, what are you watching? What's on?

20. Who do you think will play along? Absolutely no idea!

Happy Valentits .........errrrr Valentines Day everybody!

Broken Bones - Yes
Shot a gun - Yes
Driven 100 mph - Yes
Ridden in a helicopter - Yes
Gone zip lining - No
Been to an NFL game - No
Been to Canada - No
Visited Florida - No
Visited Mexico - No
Visited Vegas- No
Eat alone at a restaurant - Yes
Ability to read music - No
Ridden a motorcycle - Yes
Ridden a horse – Yes
Stayed in a hospital – Yes
Donated blood - Yes
Slept outside – Yes
Driven a stick shift - Yes
Ridden in an 18 wheeler - Yes
Ridden in a police car - Yes
Driven a boat - Yes
Eaten Escargot - No
Been on a cruise - Yes
Run out of gas - No
Eaten Sushi - Yes
Seen a ghost/spirit - No
Been to London - Yes
Been to Central America - No
Been to Alaska - No
Been to Hawaii - Yes
Seen a UFO- No
Been to Europe - Yes
Been to San Francisco - Yes
Been to NYC - No
Been to Washington DC - No
Been snow skiing - No
Been Ice skating - Yes

1. Do you make your bed everyday? Yes

2. What's your favorite number? 127

3. What is your dream job? Multiple language Translator

4. If you could, would you go back to school? Yes, even though I hated it at the time.

5. Can you parallel park? Yes

6. Name a job you had which people would be shocked to know you had. Nothing particularly startling, but I was a courier driver for a few months

7. Do you think aliens are real? Well Trump is US president, isn’t he?

8. Can you drive a stick shift? Of course, can’t everybody?

9. What is your guilty pleasure? “Me” time

10. What's your dream car? Aston Martin DB9

11. Do you talk to yourself? Yes

12. Do you like doing puzzles? Yes

13. Favorite music? Almost everything except heavy metal and this modern shite

14. Coffee or tea? Tea

15. Do you hit the snooze button? I don’t think I have ever hit it

16. Love or money? Is “All of the above” an option here?

17. Pets? Cat

18. First thing you remember you wanted to be growing up? Rich

Play along ... copy and paste this onto your wall, change my answers to yours, and let your friends learn a little about you.

LMAO, gotta love Jim Jeffries' take on freedom

MitchandDaisy asked in Status today about a singer with an "enthralling" voice. I can't think of any singer who fits that description better than Bobby Hatfield of The Righteous Brothers in his rendition of "Unchained Melody". Even Elvis's version wasn't a patch on this.

To those members repeatedly asking in Status why mods don't PM them with reasons for their pics being deleted.

A member recently copied a pic from another member, reversed it and posted it as his own. I was alerted to this by the member who actually owned the pic and so I deleted the copied/stolen version.

I then sent the "offender" the following PM explaining what had happened:

"clittylicker said...

Hi,

You have just had a pic deleted because it was stolen from another member. You have also had pics and vids deleted because they were web pics and/or of poor quality.

Please read and comply with the posting rules and your OWN pics will be welcomed on NN. "

I received the following reply:


"To
clittylicker
Subject
Re: Your pics
Body


Happy 20th loser dam that cock of yours is crap no wonder you don't have a woman in your life sad little man. "


Before I had the chance to reply with the fact that I have been happily married for more than 20 years and that anyway, "having a woman in my life" has absolutely nothing to do with him copying other members' pics, he had deleted his account.

This is a prime example of why mods DON"T PM people to explain rules that they should already have read and understood before posting.