I hardly got any sleep last night. I spent the whole night battling a furious erection. I was far too tired to consider hand to hand combat. This is a foe I seldom encounter in my elder years. And while I need my sleep, it's good to know some battles still lie in my future.

Not ready for my waterloo
june 18,1815 BTW

I have a customer that is so cute i can't look at him. And now, due i'm sure to the radiance that shines from my face whenever he approaches, he wants to stand around and talk the day away.

He looks like martin zellar from the gear daddies. Now hows that for an obscure band reference.

If he wants to stand around tommorow and talk I'm afraid i might experience an awkwardturnal emmision.

Worry about me...please

Have you ever noticed on those weight loss commercials how peoples hair is always lighter in the after pictures.

Is this a well known medical side effect of weight loss?

I'm going to do my own intense study as soon as I finish this pan of brownies.

About a half inch of snow on the ground this morning. Just enough to make me say "what the hell?" and go back to bed. By the time i woke up it was gone. Maybe i was dreaming.

Why do we want so much what we can not, or perhaps SHOULD not have?

Back in my April 26th blog I mentioned something that I just didn't know how to put into words.I'm not sure I'll do any better today but it's raining and 34 degrees so what else do I have to do?

It's no secret that I don't have a lot of sex. Never have. But my last few sex experiences have been with someone who is almost 20 years younger than me. On it's surface this doesn't bother me. He initiated the initial experience and I was along for the ride. I am a little more bothered by keeping secrets from his girlfriend. We discused this at length and he feel these experiences are a seperate part of his life and ...well, thats his business.

What bothers me the most is the powerlessness (is that a word redpenpete?) I don't feel like I can call him up and propose another get together. my own lack of self confidence tells me I'd be acting like an old leche. It was so nice to feel another warm body against mine.

I have a quandary.
Has anyone else ever been in this situiation? (and will admit it)

People have been asking me what I was planning to do on my birthday. Some people thought it odd that i was helping a friend move. Thats not odd.

And as with every thing in my life I try to learn something. I try to keep my heart and my mind open.

All of my friends belongings fit into 3 truckloads. He just hasn't been able, financialy, to buy much stuff. The thing that impressed me was how careful he was with what he had. I was very moved watching him dry each peice off as we moved it into the house. (did I forget to add it was raining...ha)

The snippy, bitchy voice in my head wanted to say "dude, it's plastic, it can't get hurt in the rain" Thankfully my patient birthday voice told my snippy bitchy voice to shut up.

What was the song that said. Happiness isn't getting what you want....it's wanting what you've got. How true.


A special huge thank you to MD. At least SOMEONE remembered. HA

I like to spend mothers dayby myself. My fondest memories of my mom are of us working in the garden. It doesn't seem possible that she has been gone 19 years. It also seems odd that I am 2 years older than she was when she died.

I put a fountain in my garden today. When it is done and looks better I will post a picture.

Hope all you moms rejoiced.

Driving home from work today the truth hit me. A place i hold sacred is burning. I saw several groups of Hot-spot firefighting teams pass me heading north.

The boundary waters canoe area is a special park. Millions of acres of motor restricted heaven. It is a place to respect....it will test you. You don't enter lightly, you must be prepared. On a good trip you can be 5 days by boat from any road. If you cut your hand or do something stupid....your on your own. And don't expect someone to pass by. I've went days without seeing anyone.

And now it's burning. You could smell it here in town this morning. It's hard to watch people evacuating on the news. Cabins that have been in the same family since the turn of the century ...gone. Over 40 so far, some i've stayed at.

Oh it makes me sad.

I saw something Yesterday that I hadn't seen in a long long time. It made me wonder what else has changed that I've missed.

I saw a true, of the earth, farmer. A rather short, rotund gentleman. About 70, with the overalls and a feed store cap. He smiled broadly when I greeted him and i had to turn and watch him walk away. I honestly had tears in my eyes because i felt a part of history was passing by.

I know there are still farmers out there. But with the advent of agribusiness they don't look like that anymore.

Just kind of sad.

Three of my straight friend couples have broken up in the last three days. The cause.........


Itchy ring finger absentitis.



Oh boy....don't doubt for one second that it's real. We (as a society) send signals to women telling them they are not "finnished" until they get the ring. Little girls are taught to dream of "their" big day. It's just too much. It's not the girls fault.

And the boys....they don't fare much better. Most come from divorced families. They haven't had a good role model. Too many dads want to be friends instead of parents. They see their friends who got married right out of high school already divorced and stuck with child support that puts them in the poor house.

I see the pain. I'm right in the middle. Sometimes the best part of being gay is recognizing the balance of feminine and masculine in myself. When my friend "scott" just stopped by to drop something off (something i didn't even know I'd forgotten) I could see his eyes were full of hurt. I waited to see if he would start a conversation,but no, just too butch. So i just said "spill it....I know somethings up" And the whole story gushes out.

Maybe the goverment knows something I don't protecting me from this marriage stuff.