Damn. Today had me digging deep. Seems like we're really getting down into it now. I had no idea how badly I needed to address this. Today's assignment was addressing our Inner Critic. Specifically to ask it the following three questions & answer them. The first one really opened up a truth that should have been obvious but I had never considered. Looking at it in this light has changed a lot for me. My Inner Critic has always been loud & I never considered where it was really coming from.

1. What does the voice of your Inner Critic Represent?
The scared little girl who only knows how to protect through bullying. She's been traumatized and only understands hurt. How to hurt herself. How to stand up for others that are hurt by hurting their attacker. She doesn't understand that pain only creates more pain because she is trapped in her trauma.

2. What are the loudest self-criticisms in your life right now?
That my steps are too small & too slow. That I won't be able to foster healthy relationships. That I am lazy & selfish.

3. How can I create a healthier, more empowering friendship with my Inner Critic?
Through nurturing. By growing the natural gifts that were stifled by her trauma. By practicing a more peaceful and loving mind space. By giving myself space to take chance and make mistakes.

I considered not sharing today because it's not what I would call a pretty day of writing. The assignment was to write down 10 questions we hope to find the answer for before we die. It was easy in the sense that it's just a list. It was difficult in the sense of having to be honest about what I don't understand & what matters.

1. What is my true purpose?

2. What is my true joy?

3. Why am I so afraid to let go of the past?

4. How deep does this maternal wound go in my family's past?

5. How do I let go and listen to my intuitive voice?

6. How deeply can I love?

7. Where is my home? The place I can feel safely at peace? How do I reach it?

8. How do I balance logic and emotion?

9. What is the true reason I am afraid to let myself reach success?

10. What is the original root of my pain?

Today was a free form assignment. Just to write three truths we know now but didn't know "the moment pain's arrow pierced your heart". A kind of message to our inner child and/or victim. Mine may seem repetitive but my inner child is stubborn as fuck in her self punishing ways.

"I am worthy. Of this life. Of these gifts. Of love. Of power. Not an outcast put here to suffer but a cosmic being with a higher purpose. Not an ugly mistake but a beautiful warrior on a mission since my first breath. Not doomed to suffer but forged in fires and trials meant to strengthen this spirit.

The things done to me were not my fault. They were not divine punishment sent down to break me. They were the deeds of a sick and broken man. Nothing I did caused those actions or planted those thoughts. The universe never "had it out for me". I am a daughter of the stars.

Pain is never the answer. It may comfort with its familiarity but it will never heal me. I must be still and see who I am. Lashing my Self and pushing away love only takes me farther from my path. I am made of beauty and love, compassion and healing power. I am meant to rise above suffering, not build a home in it.

Rise, my love."

So I'm participating in this 30 day writing challenge created by the author of The She Book - Tanya Markul. It's called Eat My Stardust/Writing to Revolutionize Your Pain. At first I wasn't going to share outside of the group but I remembered how much I used to share here so it here it fucking goes. I'm going to share the first three writing prompts below.

Day 1 - The first assignment was to identify 7 aspects of your personal darkness & give a heartfelt thanks to each on in a To/For format.

To my thirst for pain
For opening my eyes to the depth of emotions
I am capable of feeling

To my demons
For proving I am powerful enough
To stand up and scream "enough"

To my alcoholism
For showing that no pattern is unbreakable
No matter how long standing

To my mother
For teaching me forgiveness is a continuous act
That I must practice not for your sake but my own

To my mental illness
For sharpening my resilience
To the point I can survive anything

To my abuser
For the depth of empathy
That I gained from your disgusting acts

To my heartbreak
For nearly drowning me
So that I had to actively choose to survive

Day 2 - the assignment was a short story in 400 words or less (I didn't count but I think I was within the limit) from a third person pov of our life story. Was supposed to balance light & dark. I found that difficult & think I wound up more in the shadows...

Her life was sparked with intent by two broken souls. She came up in a broken home, led and sheltered by the maternal love of her elder sister. She lost things before she understood what they meant. Innocence, trust and safety seemed to never embrace her.

She grew hard and strong but softness was slowly brought to life through the love of kindred spirits.

She punished her Self for sins that were not hers but she sheltered those close to her with the maternal love she learned from her sister. She nearly drowned but never gave up hope. She was loved all her life though often in ways she could not recognize.

She is a warrior and a healer who is shy of how powerful she really is. She once spoke to stars and felt embraced by the universe. The scope of her belonging shocked her into denying any purpose. She was afraid of what she wrongly felt she was unworthy of.

She took impulsive turns between numbing and hurting her own body and soul. She never let those she loved feel abandoned no matter how far she sank. She gave piece after piece of her Self away without care. Some pieces were treasured, others cast away like so much garbage.

Slowly with age, she has started to awaken. She is trying to regain what she gave away along with what was taken when no consent could be given. She is still afraid of belonging, of purpose but she has never given up hope.

She has lost her tribe though she tried to drag them kicking and screaming away from the darkness that brought them together. She knows she is enough but the loss can still overwhelm and she fears there are pieces of her Self that she can never recover. The ones she gave away with all of her heart. She will never give up but she doubts so much.

Day 3 (today) - Assignment was 5 line poem, no more than 7 words per line, 2 word title, first line had to be "The pain that lives in my body"

Security Blanket

The pain that lives in my body
Is an old tattered blanket
Worn thin from too much use
A source of comfort
For the scared child within


I am so glad to be participating in this challenge (or workshop might be more accurate?). I'm confident it will help me get back in the groove of the creative writing I used to do so much of.

Well..

I quit drinking 21 weeks ago & went celibate a few weeks before that.

The road trip with my dad cleared my head & changed my focus. These have been difficult weeks & I have found myself mostly unsure of how to act in sobriety. The things I used to enjoy have seemed strange. So I spend all my waking hours that I'm not work crocheting & watching Netflix.

I have missed my friendships here but it has felt strange to try to get into the chatrooms where I spent so many drunken hours. Who is this sober person? How should she behave? I'm still figuring these things out. It is strange to give up the thing that has ruled my life for over a decade. But that is what alcohol did. I thought it was a crutch but it was more of a prison. I have always had goals but spent so much time drowning my pain that I could not possibly pursue them. Now that I have removed the numbing agent, I am constantly torn between moments of optimism & crushing, overwhelming pain. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But getting there means going through all the things I have always avoided at all costs. I am faced finally with the truths of my life & of my self. I do not always like what I see. But even in those moments I must recognize the strength it has taken for me to walk through what I have even if I did that walking in a state of half sleep. I am in a state of arduous blossoming. Embracing & loving myself has proven to be the most difficult journey I could ever have set out on. But the reward will be worth it.

I am not the hurricane I disguised myself as. I no longer drink & fuck the hours away. I am better for this but also more lonely because of it. When your friendships are built on a mutual need to drink...well it follows that those friendships fall away if you put down the bottle.

So that is where Kit went. To a better, healthier place that she is still figuring how to live in.

I have popped in a few times since clearing my gallery but am so fucking frustrated by the restrictions of non prem that I can never be on for more than 5 minutes before I just leave.

I know certain premium members & mods will call this more whining from someone who has no room. Frankly, after being spoiled with premium I had NO IDEA how fucking restrictive it had become to not be premium! I originally joined this site in '07 (as cutelibby89). Back then as far as I know, being premium gave you benefits but not being premium didn't restrict you nearly as much. The only added benefits I remember prem people talking about was watching the vids, looking at the "big pictures" and posting more pics/day. Now, granted. I understand there were less features in '07 & some of these things didn't exist back then. But COME THE FUCK ON. I can't even post a status now. I have tried to do this a couple times to let people know I was on in videochat...(which I believe I have heard there is a limit to how long non premium can stream... viewing I understand but... I would think NN would want people to stream as long as possible?). I can't simply look at my entire friend's list anymore. Those two are frankly the ones that piss me off. I can't view videos/big pictures anymore? Fine. Can't watch Camshows? Fine. See. But funnily enough, at least back in the day, non prem could still STREAM camshows all they want.... just makes fucking sense.

Soo basically.. On top of the community now feeling completely different, this whole site is just..... not what it was. I understand the frustration I have heard so strongly over the past few years now. It is fucking ridiculous. I honestly could never even afford premium. It was always gifted to me by generous friends. I know this won't be well received if it's even read. I just wanted to make it clear, I will at no point be posting pictures on this fucking site again. I will still check in to see if anyone I care about has dropped a note & pop into chat (even though I can't easily let people know I'm there with a fucking status). But as someone who has posted as much as I have over the years, suddenly having my activity so fucking restricted because I'm no longer prem just really pisses me the fuck off. Happy fucking Friday you pervs. Good luck keeping this place from turning into an utter cesspool (as the rest of the world seems to be headed that way).

I'm aware that I will now seem all the more like a cold bitch. The thing is, I may be inconsistent but I am never insincere. And self preservation is always my number one priority. Beyond that, I will always follow my gut feeling. It is never my intention to hurt someone or let them down. In fact, it's arguably the one thing I hate the most. I didn't want to come across as callous. I hope that I was finally heard & understood but everyone has their own point of view. Nothing escalates a situation with me quite like pushing me, pressuring me or just not hearing me. Intentional or not, I have been most definitely pushed away. I can't speak for the future but it's over for me in the present. I'm certainly glad that I tried to keep things vague. I would ask those of you who did figure it out, just erase it from your mind. I don't want to go into more details. Thank you as always for being the community I love

I've always had a hard time letting go of things & an even harder time letting go of people. Depending on how long (and how many profiles across) you've known me, you've watched this process a few times over. Hell, some of you may even remember the two exes who had their profiles here. It's easy to realize that neither of them nor any of my other exes scarred me in the way the one I have mentioned in this blog did. It's been almost a year and a half since he damn near destroyed me. While I feel like I've made a lot of progress in that time and in a lot of ways become a better version of myself, it disgusts me to say that his memory still affects me. Badly enough that I had a panic attack yesterday over what he did to me. What has always & will always disgust me the most about the fact that he still has some hold over me is that I feel like it makes me hold back with other people. Is it a daily struggle? Thankfully not anymore. It was for a long time. But any day that I feel like I did yesterday tears me back down to a point. I go completely numb to everything and get close to hating myself just for that. The last thing I want is for this sick place he still manages to hold onto in my head to have a negative effect on something that could actually be good (to put it mildly). I'm finding after yesterday's attack though that as I clear the cobwebs in my place, I'm letting go of another piece of him I didn't realize was still haunting me. It is so bizarre sometimes the things that trigger the hurt and how healing it can be to give yourself over to that pain. It's just another step towards getting this motherfucker out of my head completely and finally so that I can really move on with my life.

So by the time we met the relationship was fading. By the time, I crossed the line it was "over". It didn't stop what I knew would happen from happening. I got a few months of bliss. Of fooling myself. Of believing you. Of lying next to you, in your arms, under you, over you. Completely enveloped by you. I gave pieces of myself to you I didn't know I couldn't afford. I knew somehow that first night despite what you said about how "over" it was. I knew you were borrowed. I knew it wouldn't end well. The knowledge didn't stop me. I knew where it was headed, I just never expected the end was coming so sharply & swiftly. 8 months later & I'm still reeling. I don't want to give you back. You were borrowed. I don't believe you belong to her. I don't believe you left me for her. It doesn't stop the fact that you were never mine. Nor does that stop the fact that I was entirely yours. I keep expecting with every year that I'll get wiser & less headstrong. And people like you come along & knock me down to where I was a decade ago. A teenager again. A fool. You are not a regret. You are not a mistake. I know somewhere there is supposed to be anger here... I get that. This pain is mine to walk through & somewhere along the way for at least a moment, I'm sure to hate you. I don't need to know exactly what was true to know part of it was false. I don't have to remind myself how open I was with you & how much you knew. I don't need to shout out my indignation at your unreasonable promises. I don't need to beat the walls trying to find some bit you left behind. I don't need to try to remember your face (it's burned on the inside of my eyelids just like your touch is burned on every inch of my skin). There seems to be nothing practical for me to do to exorcise you from my life. You are here daily. In so many little ways that I do my best to ignore them. This. This practice along with the determination to destroy the girl that you "loved". This is what has put me here. 8 months. I won't mention how short our time together was. But really.. I should be further along. I find myself on the edge of the heartbreak, peering in but terrified. Viewing the way I reacted to you, the way you reacted to me. I can hardly address the falling apart. What I without question cannot address is the falling together. For all the wrongs, for all the fuck ups, for your supposed intentions that were likely just another palace of lies built to fall down on top of me, I can't deny what I felt. I can't know what you did. I don't want to. The truth is nearly never so good as what we wish it to be. I want the best for you but I also hope, that somewhere in some untouchable, unhealable place that you feel this twisting, flailing pain that you've inflicted on me. I hope your worry is a third of what I feel for you. I hope somehow I cross your mind. But no. I don't want that. Not even fleetingly. I don't want to walk in your mind. I don't want to live in your soul. I don't want to breathe in your heart. I want to tear you from all these places of myself. But how is that possible when the most beautiful version of myself was born in your eyes? The most potential, realized in your arms. Yes. I can go on without you. Yes. I will. I move forward. Sluggishly. Not entirely at my own will. But foot in front of foot, I am. I survive. I will strive again. You will not always own me.

“Listen to me. Love is a Yeti. It is bigger than you and frightening and terrible. It makes loud and vicious noises. It is hungry all the time. It has horns and teeth and the force of its fists is more than anyone can bear. It speeds up time and slows it down. And it has its own aims and missions that those who are lucky enough to see it cannot begin to guess. You might see a Yeti once in your life or never. You might live in a village of them. But in the end, not matter how fast you think you can go, the Yeti is always faster than you, and you can only choose how you say hello to it, and whether you shake its hand.”
― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Soared Over Fairyland and Cut the Moon in Two