Uber short today. Assignment was a couplet about what I've learned about myself in the past 10 days.

Stronger than I ever knew, bathing in my own light
It seems so clear now, I am winning this fight

1/3 of the way through this journey. I'm excited by how challenging this week has been at times. That's why I wanted to do this so badly. As much to stretch my writing muscles as to dig into the parts of myself I've avoided for too long.

Well. Today's assignment was to write a Fuck You Letter to five of my self-limiting beliefs. I had difficulty with this for a really good reason actually. So it feels like the most emotionally shallow writing I have done in this process so far. I started killing my self-limiting beliefs early into this journey. Without that step, nothing I have accomplished in the past few years would be possible. It was the foundation I laid that has allowed me to stand up & fight for myself & love myself. So while this is strongly worded, it felt almost xxxxxx to write it. Sure I still have a couple of truly self-limiting doubts. I'm not perfect...but I really had to list a few that I've already buried. No skipping assignments for this girl though! Now it's off to bed with a good book for me!

Fuck you to the belief that I am a cold bitch incapable of love for isolating me further.

Fuck you to the belief that I am unworthy somehow for allowing me to settle for less.

Fuck you to the belief I deserved the things that were done to me for causing me to chase more "punishment".

Fuck you to the belief that I am incapable of practicing self discipline for trapping me in ruts and bad patterns.

Fuck you to the belief I don't like myself for making it so damn hard to remember who I was before I listened to you.

Fuck you to the belief I am a cold bitch, I was born with an incredible capacity for love and empathy.

Fuck you to the belief that I am in any way unworthy, I was born a multifaceted warrior with a purpose too great for you to stop.

Fuck you to the belief I deserved that shit, I was born with too much resilience and intelligence to fall for your trap any longer!

Fuck you to the idea I am undisciplined, I was born into a life that demanded independence from too tender an age. My messy house does not mean I am not busting my ass where it matters.

Fuck you to the belief I don't like myself, I was born with the ability to see true beauty. And I am fucking beautiful inside and out. I cherish my whole Self.

I'm starting with today's assignment because I did not want to do it & writing it hurt. I'm ashamed of my own answers to these questions. But also pridefully defiant of that shame. I am human. That is all.

The assignment was to answer the following questions:
1. What is my biggest fear?
2. Write down what would happen if it happened.
3. What then?
4. What then?
5. What then?

What are at least 3 of the masks my fear wears?

1. I'm afraid I'm not capable of allowing myself to be loved anymore.
2. If this is true, I will never experience true intimacy again. I will always feel less than. Maybe I'll implode. I won't feel complete. If this is true, my truest joy might all be in the past. It might be something I experienced only because I was still naive enough to believe I was capable of it or that anyone was capable of giving it.
3. Then I will wallow in secret and show a strong face as if feeling this way wasn't the most humanly natural thing in our world.
4. Then I'll keep telling myself that I am enough. That this world is made up of an endless variety of sorts of love. That romance was never the point. That a soul mate isn't necessary. That.... (*edit as I'm typing here. I literally put an ellipsis here because of what wrenches at my gut which is that I believe I gave up my soul mate. I told myself at the time that it was necessary for my journey & better for them in the end but I've never believed it)...I am enough.
5. Then maybe one day I will believe those things and not ache for days past or be envious of every couple I see. Stop comparing everyone to this love of that. Stop idolizing a ghost.

My fear wears a jaded mask trying to seem cold to romantic gestures and possibilities.
My fear wears a bitchy mask to push possibilities away.
My fear wears a mask of hypocrisy because I am as afraid of love as I am of never experiencing it again.
My fear wears a mask of gears and metallic things to convince me I am incapable of truly feeling love.
My fear wears a mask of memes to protest that love should not be the goal of a modern woman.
My fear wears a mask of yarn saying my life is not empty because I create.
My fear wears a mask of empathy to prove it cares for strangers so I must be worthy.
My fear is lost in the shuffle of these masks. I do not know its true face.



Now. That's out of the way. Yesterday's assignment was a haiku. I'll assume you're all familiar with what a haiku is. Mine went along with a lovely picture of a tree by the lake that I took on my walk a few weeks back. I can't simply upload that picture to my blog since I don't have it somewhere there is a url for it... so... you don't get the picture you only get the haiku.

Winds whisper gently
Limbs bend, kiss water softly
My spirit stripped bare


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damn. Today had me digging deep. Seems like we're really getting down into it now. I had no idea how badly I needed to address this. Today's assignment was addressing our Inner Critic. Specifically to ask it the following three questions & answer them. The first one really opened up a truth that should have been obvious but I had never considered. Looking at it in this light has changed a lot for me. My Inner Critic has always been loud & I never considered where it was really coming from.

1. What does the voice of your Inner Critic Represent?
The scared little girl who only knows how to protect through bullying. She's been traumatized and only understands hurt. How to hurt herself. How to stand up for others that are hurt by hurting their attacker. She doesn't understand that pain only creates more pain because she is trapped in her trauma.

2. What are the loudest self-criticisms in your life right now?
That my steps are too small & too slow. That I won't be able to foster healthy relationships. That I am lazy & selfish.

3. How can I create a healthier, more empowering friendship with my Inner Critic?
Through nurturing. By growing the natural gifts that were stifled by her trauma. By practicing a more peaceful and loving mind space. By giving myself space to take chance and make mistakes.

I considered not sharing today because it's not what I would call a pretty day of writing. The assignment was to write down 10 questions we hope to find the answer for before we die. It was easy in the sense that it's just a list. It was difficult in the sense of having to be honest about what I don't understand & what matters.

1. What is my true purpose?

2. What is my true joy?

3. Why am I so afraid to let go of the past?

4. How deep does this maternal wound go in my family's past?

5. How do I let go and listen to my intuitive voice?

6. How deeply can I love?

7. Where is my home? The place I can feel safely at peace? How do I reach it?

8. How do I balance logic and emotion?

9. What is the true reason I am afraid to let myself reach success?

10. What is the original root of my pain?

Today was a free form assignment. Just to write three truths we know now but didn't know "the moment pain's arrow pierced your heart". A kind of message to our inner child and/or victim. Mine may seem repetitive but my inner child is stubborn as fuck in her self punishing ways.

"I am worthy. Of this life. Of these gifts. Of love. Of power. Not an outcast put here to suffer but a cosmic being with a higher purpose. Not an ugly mistake but a beautiful warrior on a mission since my first breath. Not doomed to suffer but forged in fires and trials meant to strengthen this spirit.

The things done to me were not my fault. They were not divine punishment sent down to break me. They were the deeds of a sick and broken man. Nothing I did caused those actions or planted those thoughts. The universe never "had it out for me". I am a daughter of the stars.

Pain is never the answer. It may comfort with its familiarity but it will never heal me. I must be still and see who I am. Lashing my Self and pushing away love only takes me farther from my path. I am made of beauty and love, compassion and healing power. I am meant to rise above suffering, not build a home in it.

Rise, my love."

So I'm participating in this 30 day writing challenge created by the author of The She Book - Tanya Markul. It's called Eat My Stardust/Writing to Revolutionize Your Pain. At first I wasn't going to share outside of the group but I remembered how much I used to share here so it here it fucking goes. I'm going to share the first three writing prompts below.

Day 1 - The first assignment was to identify 7 aspects of your personal darkness & give a heartfelt thanks to each on in a To/For format.

To my thirst for pain
For opening my eyes to the depth of emotions
I am capable of feeling

To my demons
For proving I am powerful enough
To stand up and scream "enough"

To my alcoholism
For showing that no pattern is unbreakable
No matter how long standing

To my mother
For teaching me forgiveness is a continuous act
That I must practice not for your sake but my own

To my mental illness
For sharpening my resilience
To the point I can survive anything

To my abuser
For the depth of empathy
That I gained from your disgusting acts

To my heartbreak
For nearly drowning me
So that I had to actively choose to survive

Day 2 - the assignment was a short story in 400 words or less (I didn't count but I think I was within the limit) from a third person pov of our life story. Was supposed to balance light & dark. I found that difficult & think I wound up more in the shadows...

Her life was sparked with intent by two broken souls. She came up in a broken home, led and sheltered by the maternal love of her elder sister. She lost things before she understood what they meant. Innocence, trust and safety seemed to never embrace her.

She grew hard and strong but softness was slowly brought to life through the love of kindred spirits.

She punished her Self for sins that were not hers but she sheltered those close to her with the maternal love she learned from her sister. She nearly drowned but never gave up hope. She was loved all her life though often in ways she could not recognize.

She is a warrior and a healer who is shy of how powerful she really is. She once spoke to stars and felt embraced by the universe. The scope of her belonging shocked her into denying any purpose. She was afraid of what she wrongly felt she was unworthy of.

She took impulsive turns between numbing and hurting her own body and soul. She never let those she loved feel abandoned no matter how far she sank. She gave piece after piece of her Self away without care. Some pieces were treasured, others cast away like so much garbage.

Slowly with age, she has started to awaken. She is trying to regain what she gave away along with what was taken when no consent could be given. She is still afraid of belonging, of purpose but she has never given up hope.

She has lost her tribe though she tried to drag them kicking and screaming away from the darkness that brought them together. She knows she is enough but the loss can still overwhelm and she fears there are pieces of her Self that she can never recover. The ones she gave away with all of her heart. She will never give up but she doubts so much.

Day 3 (today) - Assignment was 5 line poem, no more than 7 words per line, 2 word title, first line had to be "The pain that lives in my body"

Security Blanket

The pain that lives in my body
Is an old tattered blanket
Worn thin from too much use
A source of comfort
For the scared child within


I am so glad to be participating in this challenge (or workshop might be more accurate?). I'm confident it will help me get back in the groove of the creative writing I used to do so much of.

Well..

I quit drinking 21 weeks ago & went celibate a few weeks before that.

The road trip with my dad cleared my head & changed my focus. These have been difficult weeks & I have found myself mostly unsure of how to act in sobriety. The things I used to enjoy have seemed strange. So I spend all my waking hours that I'm not work crocheting & watching Netflix.

I have missed my friendships here but it has felt strange to try to get into the chatrooms where I spent so many drunken hours. Who is this sober person? How should she behave? I'm still figuring these things out. It is strange to give up the thing that has ruled my life for over a decade. But that is what alcohol did. I thought it was a crutch but it was more of a prison. I have always had goals but spent so much time drowning my pain that I could not possibly pursue them. Now that I have removed the numbing agent, I am constantly torn between moments of optimism & crushing, overwhelming pain. I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But getting there means going through all the things I have always avoided at all costs. I am faced finally with the truths of my life & of my self. I do not always like what I see. But even in those moments I must recognize the strength it has taken for me to walk through what I have even if I did that walking in a state of half sleep. I am in a state of arduous blossoming. Embracing & loving myself has proven to be the most difficult journey I could ever have set out on. But the reward will be worth it.

I am not the hurricane I disguised myself as. I no longer drink & fuck the hours away. I am better for this but also more lonely because of it. When your friendships are built on a mutual need to drink...well it follows that those friendships fall away if you put down the bottle.

So that is where Kit went. To a better, healthier place that she is still figuring how to live in.

I have popped in a few times since clearing my gallery but am so fucking frustrated by the restrictions of non prem that I can never be on for more than 5 minutes before I just leave.

I know certain premium members & mods will call this more whining from someone who has no room. Frankly, after being spoiled with premium I had NO IDEA how fucking restrictive it had become to not be premium! I originally joined this site in '07 (as cutelibby89). Back then as far as I know, being premium gave you benefits but not being premium didn't restrict you nearly as much. The only added benefits I remember prem people talking about was watching the vids, looking at the "big pictures" and posting more pics/day. Now, granted. I understand there were less features in '07 & some of these things didn't exist back then. But COME THE FUCK ON. I can't even post a status now. I have tried to do this a couple times to let people know I was on in videochat...(which I believe I have heard there is a limit to how long non premium can stream... viewing I understand but... I would think NN would want people to stream as long as possible?). I can't simply look at my entire friend's list anymore. Those two are frankly the ones that piss me off. I can't view videos/big pictures anymore? Fine. Can't watch Camshows? Fine. See. But funnily enough, at least back in the day, non prem could still STREAM camshows all they want.... just makes fucking sense.

Soo basically.. On top of the community now feeling completely different, this whole site is just..... not what it was. I understand the frustration I have heard so strongly over the past few years now. It is fucking ridiculous. I honestly could never even afford premium. It was always gifted to me by generous friends. I know this won't be well received if it's even read. I just wanted to make it clear, I will at no point be posting pictures on this fucking site again. I will still check in to see if anyone I care about has dropped a note & pop into chat (even though I can't easily let people know I'm there with a fucking status). But as someone who has posted as much as I have over the years, suddenly having my activity so fucking restricted because I'm no longer prem just really pisses me the fuck off. Happy fucking Friday you pervs. Good luck keeping this place from turning into an utter cesspool (as the rest of the world seems to be headed that way).

I'm aware that I will now seem all the more like a cold bitch. The thing is, I may be inconsistent but I am never insincere. And self preservation is always my number one priority. Beyond that, I will always follow my gut feeling. It is never my intention to hurt someone or let them down. In fact, it's arguably the one thing I hate the most. I didn't want to come across as callous. I hope that I was finally heard & understood but everyone has their own point of view. Nothing escalates a situation with me quite like pushing me, pressuring me or just not hearing me. Intentional or not, I have been most definitely pushed away. I can't speak for the future but it's over for me in the present. I'm certainly glad that I tried to keep things vague. I would ask those of you who did figure it out, just erase it from your mind. I don't want to go into more details. Thank you as always for being the community I love