I've always had a hard time letting go of things & an even harder time letting go of people. Depending on how long (and how many profiles across) you've known me, you've watched this process a few times over. Hell, some of you may even remember the two exes who had their profiles here. It's easy to realize that neither of them nor any of my other exes scarred me in the way the one I have mentioned in this blog did. It's been almost a year and a half since he damn near destroyed me. While I feel like I've made a lot of progress in that time and in a lot of ways become a better version of myself, it disgusts me to say that his memory still affects me. Badly enough that I had a panic attack yesterday over what he did to me. What has always & will always disgust me the most about the fact that he still has some hold over me is that I feel like it makes me hold back with other people. Is it a daily struggle? Thankfully not anymore. It was for a long time. But any day that I feel like I did yesterday tears me back down to a point. I go completely numb to everything and get close to hating myself just for that. The last thing I want is for this sick place he still manages to hold onto in my head to have a negative effect on something that could actually be good (to put it mildly). I'm finding after yesterday's attack though that as I clear the cobwebs in my place, I'm letting go of another piece of him I didn't realize was still haunting me. It is so bizarre sometimes the things that trigger the hurt and how healing it can be to give yourself over to that pain. It's just another step towards getting this motherfucker out of my head completely and finally so that I can really move on with my life.

So by the time we met the relationship was fading. By the time, I crossed the line it was "over". It didn't stop what I knew would happen from happening. I got a few months of bliss. Of fooling myself. Of believing you. Of lying next to you, in your arms, under you, over you. Completely enveloped by you. I gave pieces of myself to you I didn't know I couldn't afford. I knew somehow that first night despite what you said about how "over" it was. I knew you were borrowed. I knew it wouldn't end well. The knowledge didn't stop me. I knew where it was headed, I just never expected the end was coming so sharply & swiftly. 8 months later & I'm still reeling. I don't want to give you back. You were borrowed. I don't believe you belong to her. I don't believe you left me for her. It doesn't stop the fact that you were never mine. Nor does that stop the fact that I was entirely yours. I keep expecting with every year that I'll get wiser & less headstrong. And people like you come along & knock me down to where I was a decade ago. A teenager again. A fool. You are not a regret. You are not a mistake. I know somewhere there is supposed to be anger here... I get that. This pain is mine to walk through & somewhere along the way for at least a moment, I'm sure to hate you. I don't need to know exactly what was true to know part of it was false. I don't have to remind myself how open I was with you & how much you knew. I don't need to shout out my indignation at your unreasonable promises. I don't need to beat the walls trying to find some bit you left behind. I don't need to try to remember your face (it's burned on the inside of my eyelids just like your touch is burned on every inch of my skin). There seems to be nothing practical for me to do to exorcise you from my life. You are here daily. In so many little ways that I do my best to ignore them. This. This practice along with the determination to destroy the girl that you "loved". This is what has put me here. 8 months. I won't mention how short our time together was. But really.. I should be further along. I find myself on the edge of the heartbreak, peering in but terrified. Viewing the way I reacted to you, the way you reacted to me. I can hardly address the falling apart. What I without question cannot address is the falling together. For all the wrongs, for all the fuck ups, for your supposed intentions that were likely just another palace of lies built to fall down on top of me, I can't deny what I felt. I can't know what you did. I don't want to. The truth is nearly never so good as what we wish it to be. I want the best for you but I also hope, that somewhere in some untouchable, unhealable place that you feel this twisting, flailing pain that you've inflicted on me. I hope your worry is a third of what I feel for you. I hope somehow I cross your mind. But no. I don't want that. Not even fleetingly. I don't want to walk in your mind. I don't want to live in your soul. I don't want to breathe in your heart. I want to tear you from all these places of myself. But how is that possible when the most beautiful version of myself was born in your eyes? The most potential, realized in your arms. Yes. I can go on without you. Yes. I will. I move forward. Sluggishly. Not entirely at my own will. But foot in front of foot, I am. I survive. I will strive again. You will not always own me.

“Listen to me. Love is a Yeti. It is bigger than you and frightening and terrible. It makes loud and vicious noises. It is hungry all the time. It has horns and teeth and the force of its fists is more than anyone can bear. It speeds up time and slows it down. And it has its own aims and missions that those who are lucky enough to see it cannot begin to guess. You might see a Yeti once in your life or never. You might live in a village of them. But in the end, not matter how fast you think you can go, the Yeti is always faster than you, and you can only choose how you say hello to it, and whether you shake its hand.”
― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Soared Over Fairyland and Cut the Moon in Two

We are likely to have the third fatality this week from my work family with an employee on life support in ICU with zero brain activity. He was on his motorcycle last night with no helmet and a deer jumped in front of him. This is our 3rd loss due to a motorcycle accident this year. 4th in the year and a half that I've been here. Frankly, I'm generally cold about death. I haven't lost anyone close since I was a kid & this is one of those things I generally don't know how to react to. My current job is in the front office. I'm supposed to be the warm, friendly face to brighten every visitor's day. I've been so frayed lately as it is that I'm just sitting here crying. I have no backup today so I'm trying to tough through. With both my parents owning motorcycles & one being enough of a jackass to never wear a helmet, this isn't just a work family tragedy. It's a reminder to how closely tragedy is hovering to my blood family and how unexpectedly it could strike. I am a strong woman but I really don't think I could survive losing my father at this point. It is now my mission to convince him to sell the damn thing a.s.a.p. Life is completely out of our hands. You can't control when you'll be taken but why do people tempt fate so hard? This definitely confirms for me that I need to practice living in the now & stop thinking I'll always have time later to try this or accomplish that. Please, please everyone be careful. Take care of yourself. You are precious and irreplacable.

I keep thinking that I just keep working hard, I'll feel back to normal at some point. Ugh. I know. Definition of insanity. If what I'm doing is getting me where I want to be... well the answer is obvious.

It's the steps on the way to the answer I'm having problems with. This is beyond stuck in a rut. I went numb after what happened in December, then a bit self destructive & rounded the corner back to numb. I think I'm reaching a point where I can feel a little bit without destroying my life... but then again I have taken another random day off for no good reason.

If you've seen me in chat the past several days, you probably heard me bitch about my ulcer. Equal parts work stress & suppressed heartbreak. For someone who's been through this so many times, you would think I would be more comfortable in the territory. It just seems that the more I have my heart broken, the less I know how to handle it. Experience is not key in this area it seems.

I'm so glad I'm getting back in my groove here since it has been one of my most helpful outlets for the past 8 years. Thank you all for that. It's the attitude that keeps me coming back more than the bewbies

What was I say? I started typing this with the intent to get all sorts of honest & kind of get things off my chest. But where do I start? I'm a high functioning mess who is constantly juggling vices. I'm just trying to find something that will relieve stress & NOT fuck up my life in some way, shape or form.

So I know I need to write more, I know I need to draw again, I know I should do yoga & go for walks. But the whole spirally depression thing does this funny thing with my anxiety that snares me up nicely in a stagnant routine (if it can be called that). Today for example. Day off, what have I done? Besides a few pictures, nothing productive. House is still a mess & I haven't worked out.

I overestimated my ability to stay away from here. I worry now about being recognized on here. I never used to worry about that... at same time though I've never posted anything here that I would really be ashamed of. In fact, I've always been very open with my close friends & partners about this site. So here I am again. Faced with building my profile back up. That's okay though. I'm in a phase of my life that is full of changes.

So what's been happening with libby/belinda/kitsune?

Tried to date a normal guy. Got really spoiled for a bit. Fancy food, nice wine. All that business. He seemed really stable & decent. Quickly turned out to be insecure, jealous & showed signs of a controlling nature. Cut the relationship off quickly when he started to use threatening language (because I took a two hour nap after work & didn't text back quick enough). He has since threatened to show up somewhere for me not answering him, called me a bitch among other things. So. Normal guys are not the solution. Well, really there is no such thing as normal. I realize now that I need to take the time to be single & heal from the fiasco that I went through this past winter anyway. I am more cautious and aware now. Which is certainly not a bad thing.

I am in the process of getting a promotion at work and because of this will be traveling out of the country for the first time in November. Really my first time traveling anywhere. I am anxious about this. It is insane to imagine myself traveling. Business class out of the country even. Things are happening fast and I am trying to embrace them.