Viewing Member - michael1

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The Pants

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a
little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these
on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."


Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I
don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants an d handed them to Mike. She said, "Here-you
try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."
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1;Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
2;there are 3 bones needed to succeed in life; a a wish bone,a funny bone and a backbone 3;love is not defined as a word .
love is an action .
4;"The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts"
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver!
the conflicts of life; 1 was made for the average person,. 4 for the big picture . four thoughts to ponder!

happy weekend!!! Stress Management

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Just in case you've had a rough day or a rough week, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works. Read ALL of this!

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called work.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, you're smiling already

Hope you hate telemarketers as much as I do...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
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have a great weekend!

have a great day! having a great time on vacation ! a couple i found around 4 a.m.; Cinderella: The Aftermath

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension”. Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

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. Pierre "The Brave Fighter Pilot"

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Pierre "The Brave Fighter Pilot"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE %&^% DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" live well//laugh well//love well

not a lot of time this week, with vacation but i did find this and thought it was cute!

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Proverbs From the First Grade...

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in
the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the
rest. Here's what the kids came up with:



Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow
your nose.
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[url]https://youtube.com/watch?v=s5s2yMZKdA4[/url]

[url]http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1253729047[/url]

have a great day! an Important list

The most destructive habit, Worry

The greatest Joy, Giving

The greatest loss, Loss of Self-Respect

The most satisfying work, Helping Others

The ugliest personality trait, Selfishness

The most endangered species, Dedicated Leaders

Our greatest natural resource, Our Youth

The greatest "shot in the arm", Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome, Fear

The most effective sleeping pill, Peace of Mind

The most crippling failure disease, Excuses

The most powerful force in life, Love

The most dangerous pariah, A Gossiper

The world's most incredible computer, The Brain

The worst thing to be without, Hope

The deadliest weapon, The Tongue

The two most power-filled words, "I Can"

The greatest asset, Faith

The most worthless emotion, Self-Pity

The most beautiful attire, SMILE!

The most prized possession, Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication, Prayer

The most contagious spirit, Enthusiasm


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live well/laugh well/love well/