Why I fired my Secretary.

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Last week was my birthday


and I didn't feel very well


waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast


hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and


possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out,


she barely said good morning,


let alone " Happy Birthday."


I thought...Well,


that's marriage for you,


but the kids....


They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.


So when I left for the office,


I felt pretty low


and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,


my secretary Jane said,


"Good Morning Boss,


and by the way


Happy Birthday! "


It felt a little better


that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock,


when Jane knocked on my door


and said, "You know,


It's such a beautiful day outside,


and it is your Birthday,


what do you say we go out to lunch,


just you and me."


I said, "Thanks, Jane,


that's the greatest thing


I've heard all day.


Let's go!"


We went to lunch.


But we didn't go


where we normally would go.


She chose instead at a quite bistro


with a private table.


We had two martinis each


and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.


On the way back to the office,


Jane said, "You know,


It's such a beautiful day...


We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"


I responded,


"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"


She said,


"Let's drop by my apartment,


it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her apartment,


Jane turned to me and said,


"Boss, if you don't mind,


I'm going to step into the bedroom


for just a moment.


I'll be right back."


"Ok." I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and,


after a couple of minutes,


she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...


Followed


by my wife,


my kids,


and dozens of my friends


and co-workers,


all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.
__________________
Famous last words "It seemed like a good idea at the time"

have a great weekend!! How to turn tomatoes red

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A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous

happy friday !! How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

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TRY THIS NOW!

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep

trying it again to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor

and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your

right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

inside a dogs mind;
Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark... a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earring your protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.


happy thursday!

i have three great loves after my boys. they are music,comedy and nature.i have always loved them even as a kid. i grew up in memphis tn , lived in huntsville al., ashville n.c.,macon ga.,new orleans,miami, and now tampa.in all these places i have always found those three things and in many forms. i listen to all kinds of music even in languages i do not speak .i do all kinds of nature things and i look for humor everyday in people and in things. people have asked me where i get the stuff i post.sometimes i just listen to music and surf around for funny things and sometimes friends email me stuff and i put it in my blog. i like some others have not yet figured out how to put pictures in my blog when i do i will add some of nature and comedy. happy wednesday! have a great rest of the week!

Top Ten Fun Things To Hide In Your Boss' Office

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10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.

9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped."

8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.

7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are xxxxxx to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.

6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.

5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.

4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.

3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?

2. An open and empty condom wrapper.

And the number one fun thing to hide in your boss's office...

1. A stained dress.

well at least there not all true for me!!!! You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

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1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

have a great week!!! ; more things you should know

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*If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

*The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

*I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

*I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

*It was so different before everything changed.

*Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

*Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

*A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

*I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

*It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

*It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

*Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.

*The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you are in the bathroom.

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

*Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

*Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

*When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

*If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seatbelt.

*There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

*An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

*A closed mouth gathers no feet.


*Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

*Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.

*There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

*For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

*When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

*A penny saved is a government oversight.

*The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

*The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

*He who hesitates is probably right.

*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

*The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
__________________

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan wit h some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure", I have this, and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the Bank
Manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
says,

There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean, what in the world is
this?



(You're gonna love this)



(It's a real treat)



(A masterpiece)



(Wait for it)



The bank manager looks back at her and says..
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you
did!!!
__________________

vacation starts saturday .the count down has started ! whoo hoo! north carolina here i come. can't wait to see the leave changes and the mountians. will def. spend some time on the blue ridge parkway, so may make it in to va. def. will spend some time in ashville. i am going with one of my sons he wants to go to cherokee. we will see how far we can get with the top down on the car. i have to go to the garage today and look for cold weather clothes.hope everyones weekend is awesome here is a song done by donny hathaway for my friends ; When you're down and troubled
You need some love and care
And nothing, nothing is going right

Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up
Even your darkess night

You just call
Out my name
And you know where ever I am
I'll come running
To see you again

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there
You got a friend

Aint it good to know
That you got a friend
People can be so cold

To hurt you and dessert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know where ever I am
I'll come running, running, running, running, running
To see you again

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You got a friend

You got a friend

You got a friend

You got a friend

You got a friend

You got a friend