thanks to his_princess for this one.


December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection,

Agnes



December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes



December 16th
Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love,

Agnes



December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes



December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes



December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially,

Agnes



December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes



December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS!

Ag



December 22nd

Hey Butthead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Ag



December 23rd

You Rotten Dick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police on you. They know where you are.

One who means it,

Ag





December 24th

Listen, Doormat:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Miss Agnes McCallister



December 25th

From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
Attorneys at Law

High on the Navy's list of priority problems is that of Anti-Submarine Warfare (ASW). The detection and localization of a submarine has proven to be a very difficult problem, indeed. The following methods are a few that have been advanced to help in this area.

1 The Physicist's Method: Irradiate the ocean with high-energy neutrons so that H2O becomes 4H2O. Submarines will become excessively buoyant and cannot submerge. Their disposition can then be undertaken with leisure.
2 The Chemist's Method: Place in the ocean large quantities of lysergic acid. The fish population becomes terrified at the prospect of loneliness and clusters about submarines in a frenzy of affection and admiration, thereby constricting the movement of submarines to a level of difficulty.
3 The Engineer's Method: Construct a large filter system having a mesh of about eight meters and pump ocean water through it at the rate of 15 million liters a day. This will recirculate the oceans daily. Because of the mesh filter, only submarines will be trapped.
4 The Mathematician's Method: Construct a large Klein bottle that can contain the necessary numbers of submarines. Note that the submarines are initially outside this bottle. However, the outside of a Klein bottle is also its inside. Therefore, the submarines are inside this bottle. (Two dimensional submarines may be disposed of by a suitable Mobius strip)
5 The Ballistician's Method: Equip all surface ASW ships with green paint. On detecting a submarine, spread the paint over the sea surface and remain quiet. The submarine rises to investigate, but its periscope becomes covered with green paint. It, therefore, believes itself to be underwater and continues to rise. When it reaches a convenient altitude, shoot it down with Anti-Aircraft Fire.
6 The Economist's Method: Induce the United States of America to use seawater rather than gold to support its currency. The French will immediately start to sequester it in their vaults in such quantities that by the time supply and demand curves cross, the submarines will either be (A) aground, or (B) locked up in French safe-deposit boxes.

If it wiggles it's biology...
If it stinks, it's chemistry...
If it does not work, it's physics...

Three Graduates are peeing in a bathroom.
The UGA graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at UGA, they teach us to be clean".

The Clemson graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at clemson they teach us how conserve resources".

The Georiga Tech graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Tech they teach us not to piss on our hands".

Assorted Groaners
I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost...

Someone once said that the point of higher education was so that you could understand more jokes.

It take 9 months to bear a child, no matter how many women you assign to the job.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What's Avocado's Number? A Guacamole.

Old programmers don't die, they're just cast into the void.

Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things.

Student: Given your theory, how do you explain cows?
Prof: Consider for a moment a perfectly spherical N-dimensional cow....

There are 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get a vector perpendicular to itself and the road.

Where do you extract Mercury from? Hg Wells

Two bytes are in a bar. One says to the other, "I'm not feeling that well. I think I have a parity error". The other byte responds, "I thought you looked a bit off!"

Q: Why did the universe get destroyed?
A: Some strings weren't null terminated. (physics + software)

The Programmers' Cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.

Physics, Math, Engineering...
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.

Q: How many quanta does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One and a half.

Q: How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, that'll be $50 please.

Q: How many nuclear physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, he raises it into place and the world revolves around him.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Approximately 1.000000000000000000000.
Three: one to screw it in, and two to figure out how to get rid of the remainder.
None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.
Computing...
Q: How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten - one to screw it in, two to design the icon, four to design the T-shirts, and three to come up with the code name for the project.

Programming (they like to call themselves "software engineers"
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem. (heard that one a few times)
Just one. But it takes them all night. And when they're done, the washing machine doesn't work right.
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
1.000000001.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."
"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
Q: How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They try to fix the old one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"
Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem."

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

Q: How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Assorted...
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The seeds of the revolution are in the light bulb itself.

Q: How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twenty-one. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink beer until the room starts spinning.

Q: How many college students does it take to screw a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, will this be on the test?

Q: How many buddhists(sp) does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to change it and one not to change it.

Q: How many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: As many as they can fit inside

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go for a bike ride?

Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the pen1s... I mean ladder.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That's not funny.

Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, the same number it takes to screw anywhere else.

Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Forty... you gotta problem with that?

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.light.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Just remmber this xmas if you have the inlaws/outlaws round and or the kids get out of hand.
This may come in handy.


Happy xmas from the both of us.xxxxxxxx

Got home from work ok this am,unlike going to work when i came off my bike, and had my right heel stuck in the back wheel with the engine going full speed with the bike on top of me.
good job i have heavy duty boots on as the wheel took a big scrape out of the heel of them. was only doing about 5mph on a bend when it happend.