These are "supposedly" Actual Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts:

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Too Far Up!)

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Benign = What you be after you be eight
Bacteria = Back door to cafeteria
Barium = What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan = Searching for Kitty
Cauterize = Made eye contact with her
Colic = A sheep dog
Coma = A punctuation mark
D&C = Where Washington is
Dilate = To live long
Enema = Not a friend
Fester = Quicker than someone else
Fibula = A small lie
GISeries = World Series of military baseball
Hangnail = What you hang your coat on
Impotent = Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff = A Doctor's cane
Morbid = A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates = Cheaper than day rates
Node = I knew it
Outpatient = A person who has fainted
Pap Smear = A fatherhood test
Pelvis = Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative = A letter carrier
Recovery Room = Place to do upholstery
Rectum = Damn near killed him
Secretion = Hiding something
Seizure = Roman emperor
Tablet = A small table
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport
Tumor = More than one
Urine = Opposite of mine
Varicose = Near by/close by

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict.
"His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!

A phycic dwarf escapes from prison.

Headlines in the local paper the following day.





Small medium at large.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:



"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-191
Canadian Army
In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McCrae's "In Flanders Fields" remains to this day one of the most memorable war poems ever written. It is a lasting legacy of the terrible battle in the Ypres salient in the spring of 1915. Here is the story of the making of that poem:
Although he had been a doctor for years and had served in the South African War, it was impossible to get used to the suffering, the screams, and the blood here, and Major John McCrae had seen and heard enough in his dressing station to last him a lifetime.

As a surgeon attached to the 1st Field Artillery Brigade, Major McCrae, who had joined the McGill faculty in 1900 after graduating from the University of Toronto, had spent seventeen days treating injured men -- Canadians, British, Indians, French, and Germans -- in the Ypres salient.

It had been an ordeal that he had hardly thought possible. McCrae later wrote of it:

"I wish I could embody on paper some of the varied sensations of that seventeen days... Seventeen days of Hades! At the end of the first day if anyone had told us we had to spend seventeen days there, we would have folded our hands and said it could not have been done."

One death particularly affected McCrae. A young friend and former student, Lieut. Alexis Helmer of Ottawa, had been killed by a shell burst on 2 May 1915. Lieutenant Helmer was buried later that day in the little cemetery outside McCrae's dressing station, and McCrae had performed the funeral ceremony in the absence of the chaplain.

The next day, sitting on the back of an ambulance parked near the dressing station beside the Canal de l'Yser, just a few hundred yards north of Ypres, McCrae vented his anguish by composing a poem. The major was no stranger to writing, having authored several medical texts besides dabbling in poetry.

In the nearby cemetery, McCrae could see the wild poppies that sprang up in the ditches in that part of Europe, and he spent twenty minutes of precious rest time scribbling fifteen lines of verse in a notebook.

A young soldier watched him write it. Cyril Allinson, a twenty-two year old sergeant-major, was delivering mail that day when he spotted McCrae. The major looked up as Allinson approached, then went on writing while the sergeant-major stood there quietly. "His face was very tired but calm as we wrote," Allinson recalled. "He looked around from time to time, his eyes straying to Helmer's grave."

When McCrae finished five minutes later, he took his mail from Allinson and, without saying a word, handed his pad to the young NCO. Allinson was moved by what he read:

"The poem was exactly an exact description of the scene in front of us both. He used the word blow in that line because the poppies actually were being blown that morning by a gentle east wind. It never occurred to me at that time that it would ever be published. It seemed to me just an exact description of the scene."

In fact, it was very nearly not published. Dissatisfied with it, McCrae tossed the poem away, but a fellow officer retrieved it and sent it to newspapers in England. The Spectator, in London, rejected it, but Punch published it on 8 December 1915.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.