At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there WILL be a quiz later).


You want
= You want

We need
= I want

It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk
= I need to complain

Sure... go ahead
= I don't want you to.

I'm not upset
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight.
= Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.
= I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house.

I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute.
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?
= Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate.
= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?
= [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes
= No

No
= No

Maybe
= No

I'm sorry.
= You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?
= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?
= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling!
= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish
= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
(The answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing
= Nothing

Nothing
= Everything

Everything
= My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really
= It's just that you're such an jerk

I don't want to talk about it
= Go away, I'm still building up steam

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
Men would be xxxxxx to purchase overpriced clothes every season.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
"Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be xxxxxx to wear them.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.
Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.
All toilet seats would be nailed down.
All men would be xxxxxx to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.
For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Little Boys and Girls

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"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long -- not because they look nice -- but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A: Have sex once a year.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

A: Then the jig is up.

Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A: Your therapist.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rearend, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question, dipshit?

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A: Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?

A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?

A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: What is the grasp reflex?

A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: What is colic?

A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q: What are night terrors?

A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator

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Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Say "Ding" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Shave.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Leave a box between the doors.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Start a sing-along.

One word: Flatulence!
Do Tai Chi exercises
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Bring a chair along.
Lean against the button panel.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

What is love?

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Out of the mouths of kids... answers to the question "What does love mean?"
The answers are broader and deeper than anyone would imagine. See what you think:

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." -Rebecca, age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." -Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." -Kari, age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -Chrissy, age 6

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." -Terri, age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." -Danny, age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily, age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." -Bobby, age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." -Nikka, age 6

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." -Noelle, age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy, age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." -Cindy, age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -Clare, age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." -Elaine, age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." -Chris, age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." -Mary Ann, age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." -Karen, age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." -Mark, age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -Jessica, age 8

"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."

And a great one is the story of a 4-year-old whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said; "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Kids are pretty smart, aren't they?

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
If you think you're fat, you may be. Don't ask us. (besides, we're not suicidal enough to answer anything other than "no" anyway)

Sunday Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. It can't be altered so just let be.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, shortstops and carburetors.
Shopping is not a sport
Anything you wear is fine. Really
You have enough clothes

You have too many shoes
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes -- what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that last for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.

You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

We're not telepathic. We can't read your mind, so don't blame us for not knowing something you expected us to know without telling us. Conversely, you aren't telepathic either, so don't get mad about what you think we're thinking, because your guess is probably wrong.

Asking a girl on Friday for a date on Saturday is completely unacceptable. Keyword: Planning
Shave every day. One day's growth of facial hair is worse than a girl not shaving her legs for a week.
We may be emotional beings, but do not lie to squirm your way out of trouble. We are not as gullible as you think.
Learn to clean up the toilet. If peeing standing up is so difficult and you are bound to miss, then may we suggest that you learn to use a toilet brush and sponge to clean up after yourself.
We really don't find it attractive when you stand there stratching yourself in the morning, afternoon or night- please do it in private.

Don't do it, if you're not going to follow-thru. A woman would rather not have sex at all, than to have it and miss the climax by a mile because you weren't up for the challenge.
Don't fix it if it's really not broke. You don't need to take everything apart out of curiosity.
Ask for directions
If you said you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, then do it. Don't expect us to wait around.
Professional Wrestling and Soap Opera's are the same story lines, just different costumes. So don't make fun of us for being hooked on Y&R when you are hooked on WWF.

"I don't feel like talking right now" is an acceptable thing to say- Unacceptable thing to do is sit there and pretend you're listening and just say "uh huh" and "yes Dear"- it's condescending.
Get rid of your holey underwear.
If you can ogle so can we!
One remote is ENOUGH... no need to have a control tower in your living room.
Couch Potato is not a sport, so don't try to be an All-star at it!

Your way is not always the right way. Learn to say- "I was wrong"
If we can't talk to you during a football game, then don't try to get our attention during Ally McBeal.
If you say you are going to do something, then just do it. Don't sit around thinking of creative excuses why you couldn't get to it.
We are not your mothers, so don't expect us to clean up after you like one.
SkyLine Chili is not considered a romantic dinner for two.

We have other friends of the male gender, so leave your jealousy at the door!
If you concede to let us decorate the house without any input from you, then don't complain when everything is in frilly flowers, and pink motif.
When wearing a dress shirt, wear an undershirt underneath. Nothing worse than seeing a man's hairy chest and nipples through his shirt. (PINK PINK PINK)
Hey, we CAN be friends with our ex's- so deal with it!
We understand that you have to put on a manly act in front of your friends, but in the privacy of your own home, it's okay if you just want to cuddle.

big thanks and a hug to princessofcups for the photo of our 20,000 blog view, good trys walter and woderwick, and just piped at the post foxy and md.

more jokes later.
steve the copy and paste king.