Glossary of computer terms
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".

Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".

Default Directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.

Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.

Help
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.

Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. (like this one... emmm)

Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

why Mr North can no longer go shopping.

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.

...

Dear Mrs.South,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO Re: Complaints

15 Things Mr.North has done while his spouse is shopping:

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After a few confessions, the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this, and realises it looks thoughtful...

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out...

The old priest says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying
'No shit? What happened next?!'"

The Shit List

1. GHOST SHIT. You know you've shitted.
There's shit on the toilet paper, but none
in the toilet.

2. TEFLON-COATED SHIT. Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you
don't even feel it. No trace of shit on the
paper. You have to look in the toilet to make
sure you did something.

3. GOOEY-SHIT. This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe
your arse 12 times and it's still not clean.
You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks
so that you don't stain them. This kind of shit
leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

4. SECOND THOUGHT SHIT. You're all done wiping, and you're about to
stand up when you realise....you've got more.

5. POP A VEIN IN YOUR The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't
FOREHEAD SHIT. come out till you're all sweaty, trembling and
purple from straining so hard.

6. WEIGHT WATCHERS You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
SHIT.

7. RIGHT NOW SHIT. You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet.
You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually
it has its head out before you can get your
pants down.

8. KING KONG or This one is so big that you know it won't go
CHOKER SHIT. down the toilet unless you break it into smaller
chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind
of shit usually occurs at someone else's house.

9. CORK SHIT Even after the third flush it's still floating in
(also Floater) the bowl. You think "SHIT" how do I get rid of it.

10. WET CHEEKS SHIT. This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big
splash that gets you all wet.

11. WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position
and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.

12. CEMENT BLOCK SHIT. You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you
attempted this one.

13. SNAKE SHIT. This shit is fairly soft and about as thick as your
thumb, and at least a metre long.

14. BEER AND PIZZA This happens the day after the night before. Most
SHIT. of the time your shit doesn't smell so bad but this
one is BAD....usually this one happens at someone
else's house, and someone is always waiting outside
the toilet door.

15. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT. You know will know it's safe to eat again when your
(or Screamer) arse stops burning.

The army received a suggestion for a new recruiting strategy...

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep,' and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical sonofabitch....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting menopausal Women over the age of 50 ... !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Think i still have a arm and leg left.


just bought some wheel bearings for one of my little Triumphs.
been looking on and off for 20+ years now,have a old set but think there is a little play in them.
these are a set of taper roller ones for a 1949 Triumph 3T twin,that i bought as a tin bath of parts in the late 1970's for £40-00. lot of £ then for me.

ok how much did i pay.








£250!!!!!!!


YES thats right £250 for 4 bearings!!!!

[url]http://prem.newbienudes.com/A/1168/049102710r.wmv[/url]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

This is hilarious! Enjoy!


[url]http://vodpod.com:80/watch/1548742-sweden-got-talent-naked-guys-dancing[/url]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even
Though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming
And yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
The grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of
The many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The
Old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died
Of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
Straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no
Tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that
He may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
Back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
Upside down......'


Bloody women they think of everything!!!!