SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

A
B
C
D
E
F
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H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
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U
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W
X
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Z
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
0
!
"
£
$
%
^
&
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(
)

Thats good all the buttons on my keyboard are working ok.

sorry to disturb you, you can go back to what you were doing.

north's

2 June 1959
Your date of conception was on or about 9 September 1958 which was a Tuesday.

You were born on a Tuesday
under the astrological sign Gemini.
Your Life path number is 5.

Your fortune cookie reads:
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 3 & 9.
You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path number 8.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 6, 11 & 22.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2436721.5.
The golden number for 1959 is 3.
The epact number for 1959 is 21.
The year 1959 was not a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/8/1959 and ending 1/27/1960.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Pig.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Elk; your plant is Mullein.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Mesore, the fourth month of the season of Shomu (Harvest).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 25 Iyyar 5719.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 26 Iyyar 5719.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.17.5.11.17 which is
12 baktun 17 katun 5 tun 11 uinal 17 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Tuesday, 25 Dhi'l-Qa'dih 1378 (1378-11-25).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 29 March 1959.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 3 May 1959.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 11 February 1959.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 17 May 1959.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 24 May 1959.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Saturday, 3 October 1959.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Thursday, 23 April 1959.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 10 February 1959.

As of 3/22/2008 1:47:48 PM EST
You are 48 years old.
You are 585 months old.
You are 2,546 weeks old.
You are 17,826 days old.
You are 427,837 hours old.
You are 25,670,267 minutes old.
You are 1,540,216,068 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Wayne Brady (1972) Joel Tobeck (1971) Dana Carvey (1955)
Jerry Mathers (194 Marvin Hamlisch (1944) Stacy Keach (1941)
Charlie Watts (1941) Sally Kellerman (1937) Johnny Weissmuller (1904)
Hedda Hopper (1890) Sir Edward Elgar (1857)

Top songs of 1959
Mack the Knife by Bobby Darin The Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton
Venus by Frankie Avalon Stagger Lee by Lloyd Price
The Three Bells by The Browns Lonely Boy by Paul Anka
Come Softly to Me by Fleetwoods Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by Platters
Heartaches By the Number by Guy Mitchell Sleep Walk by Santo & Johnny

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 6.97690802348337 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

Your lucky day is Wednesday.
Your lucky number is 5.
Your ruling planet(s) is Mercury.
Your lucky dates are 5th, 14th, 23rd.
Your opposition sign is Sagittarious.
Your opposition number(s) is 3.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 72 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 49 candles.

Those 49 candles produce 49 BTUs,
or 12,348 calories of heat (that's only 12.3480 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.60 US ounces of water with that many candles.


In 1959 there were approximately 4.0 million births in the US.
In 1959 the US population was approximately 150,697,361 people, 50.7 persons per square mile.
In 1959 in the US there were approximately 1,667,231 marriages (11.1%) and 385,144 divorces (2.6%)
In 1959 in the US there were approximately 1,452,000 deaths (9.6 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1959 the population of Australia was approximately 10,160,968.
In 1959 there were approximately 226,976 births in Australia.
In 1959 in Australia there were approximately 74,363 marriages and 7,315 divorces.
In 1959 in Australia there were approximately 89,212 deaths.

Your birthstone is Alexandrite

The Mystical properties of Alexandrite

Alexandrite can assist one in centering the self, reinforcing self-esteem, and augmenting ones ability to experience joy.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Pearl, Moonstone, Opal

Your birth tree is

Ash Tree, the Ambition
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

There are 278 days till Christmas 2008!
There are 291 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waning crescent.

south's

15 July 1964
Your date of conception was on or about 23 October 1963 which was a Wednesday.

You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Cancer.
Your Life path number is 6.

Your fortune cookie reads:
Your blessing is no more than being safe and sound for the whole lifetime.

Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 5 & 7.

The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2438591.5.
The golden number for 1964 is 8.
The epact number for 1964 is 16.
The year 1964 was a leap year.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/13/1964 and ending 2/1/1965.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Dragon.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Woodpecker; your plant is Wild Rose.

You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).

Your date of birth on the Hebrew calendar is 6 Av 5724.
Or if you were born after sundown then the date is 7 Av 5724.

The Mayan Calendar long count date of your birthday is 12.17.10.15.7 which is
12 baktun 17 katun 10 tun 15 uinal 7 kin

The Hijra (Islamic Calendar) date of your birth is Wednsday, 5 Rabi'u'l-Avval 1384 (1384-3-5).

The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 29 March 1964.
The date of Orthodox Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 3 May 1964.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 12 February 1964.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 17 May 1964.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 24 May 1964.
The date of Rosh Hashanah in the year of your birth was Monday, 7 September 1964.
The date of Passover in the year of your birth was Saturday, 28 March 1964.
The date of Mardi Gras on your birth year was Tuesday 11 February 1964.

As of 3/22/2008 1:50:31 PM EST
You are 43 years old.
You are 524 months old.
You are 2,279 weeks old.
You are 15,956 days old.
You are 382,957 hours old.
You are 22,977,470 minutes old.
You are 1,378,648,231 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Emily Roeske (1991) Brian Austin Green (1973) Forest Whitaker (1961)
Jesse Ventura (1951) Linda Ronstadt (1946) Jan-Michael Vincent (1944)
Alex Karras (1935) Clement Clarke Moore (1779) Rembrandt Van Rijn (1606)

Top songs of 1964
I Want to Hold Your Hand by Beatles Can't Buy Me Love by Beatles
There! I've Said It Again by Bobby Vinton Baby Love by Supremes
Oh, Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison The House of the Rising Sun by Animals
Chapel of Love by Dixie Cups I Feel Fine by Beatles
She Loves You by Beatles I Get Around by Beach Boys

Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 6.24500978473581 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

Your lucky day is Monday.
Your lucky number is 2 & 7.
Your ruling planet(s) is Moon.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Capricorn.
Your opposition number(s) is 8.

Today is not one of your lucky days!

There are 115 days till your next birthday
on which your cake will have 44 candles.

Those 44 candles produce 44 BTUs,
or 11,088 calories of heat (that's only 11.0880 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.03 US ounces of water with that many candles.


In 1964 there were approximately 4.2 million births in the US.
In 1964 the US population was approximately 179,323,175 people, 50.6 persons per square mile.
In 1964 in the US there were approximately 1,523,000 marriages (8.5%) and 393,000 divorces (2.2%)
In 1964 in the US there were approximately 1,712,000 deaths (9.5 per 1000)
In the US a new person is born approximately every 8 seconds.
In the US one person dies approximately every 12 seconds.

In 1964 the population of Australia was approximately 11,280,429.
In 1964 there were approximately 229,149 births in Australia.
In 1964 in Australia there were approximately 86,013 marriages and 7,917 divorces.
In 1964 in Australia there were approximately 100,594 deaths.


Your birthstone is Ruby

The Mystical properties of Ruby

Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)

Carnelian

Your birth tree is

Elm Tree, the noble-mindedness
Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humour, practical.

There are 278 days till Christmas 2008!
There are 291 days till Orthodox Christmas!

The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing crescent.

will someone please shut the door so nobody else can leave.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

These were too funny not to share!



An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'




Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'




Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'



Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'



A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'




Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




One more. . .!





A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'



Like those? Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laff !

Time To Fight Back...

TELEMARKETING COMEBACKS
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won’t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you’ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works well if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I’m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don’t have any friends... would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That’s fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel!"

will the earth move for you again?

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare backside" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.