Three Inch Tall Drinking Partner.

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!" to which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

Personal Quote
EDE BIBE LUDE, POST MORTEM NULLA VOLUPTAS

Eat drink play, after death there is no pleasure.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. ____________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! ____________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ____________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Barbie's measurements (if she were life-size): 39-23-33

Coca-cola was originally green

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury

Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) poodle; 3) golden retriever
Dumbest dog: 1) afghan

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters

First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer"

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of
the year

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles PER YEAR

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs

Men get hiccups more often than women

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better

Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up:
1 in 2.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first class: $440,000

City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44

Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36

Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43

City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists:
Washington DC

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if
they had it to do all over again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes
cards: 105

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3

Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species that are: 3

Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools
are above national average: 50

Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7

Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan

Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for "Profiles in
Courage"

Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of
buoying vessels over shoals

President who discovered a new proof for The Pythagorean Theorem:
Jimmy Carter

Only food that does not spoil: honey

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees

Polar bears are left-handed

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair

Eskimos never gamble

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910

The youngest pope was 11 years old

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner

Your nose and ears never stop growing

Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined

The parachute was invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1515

They have square watermelons in Japan ... they stack better

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation