GIRLFRIEND 1.0


Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.(marketing name: Fiancee 1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button
- A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,claiming insufficient resources.

Classic things to say when stressed
"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a fucking people person!"
"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,



"Fook off,


ye'll no bring it back!"

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
ANSWERS are given at the end. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

ANSWERS
1 The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through previous actions.

3. Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,you still have one more chance to show your true ability.

4. Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.
But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Giving Pills to Pets
How to give a cat a pill
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill.
Wrap it in bacon.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,=20
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

THE NEXT TIME YOU GET PULLED OVER.


The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Speed Camera Revenge
Who said there isn't anything to do in Canberra.....

Some weeks ago a speed camera van in Canberra was approached by 4 youths. Whilst the camera operator was talking to three boys about the van's equipment and how it works, the fourth boy proceeded to undo the van's front number plate.

They then said good-bye to the operator, Went home and fixed the number plate to their car and proceeded to drive considerably over the speed limit 17 times through the speed camera radar.

Needless to say, there was considerable embarrassment by Urban services when the computer posted their own speeding fines to the department.

Picture of humility

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.


A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.

The Motorists Revenge


Apparently two members of the police force were out on the
Berwickshire moors recently with a radar gun, happily idling their lives away apprehending alleged speeding motorists when their equipment suddenly locked-up with an unanticipated digital readout of 300 miles per hour!

Seconds later a low flying Harrier jump jet hurtled over their heads.
The police lodged a complaint with the RAF over the damage to their radar gun.
The RAF pointed out that the damage may have been much more severe as the Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.