Marriage According To Kids...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
-Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do, so make sure it counts
-Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-Kelvin, age 8


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
-Ricky, age 10

Jack was going to be married to Jill,
so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
He says "Jack, let me tell you something.
On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on."
So, she did and said,
"these are to big. I can't wear them."
So I replied, "exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will.
Ever since that night we've never had any problems".
'Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks over his father's advice for several days.
Then, on his honeymoon,
Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here, try these on."
So she does and says,
"These are too large, Jack.
They don't fit me."
Jack says,
"Exactly right.
I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
After that comment,
Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says
"Here you go try on mine."
So he does and says,
"I can't get into your pants."
Jill says,
"Exactly.
And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been
separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several
days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they
will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune,
they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as
they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually
reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the
stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many
days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you
have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French
legionnaire-type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of
jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly
sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the
next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs
and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived
of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival.
We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic
as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which
you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with
custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little
cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the
glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next
stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate," (cos they'd
stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've
been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any
you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed,
"Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard,
cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn
you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires
were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall
by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell
them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply,
all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds
and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert
market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to
the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of
nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and
hundreds and thousands."
The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle
bazaar."

What Religion Is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man,
"There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't moveand it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I
apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of
a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

NEW DISEASE BREAKOUT: B.A.R.S.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 6:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees,
so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby
or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered.
Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
==================
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, .she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: Shit.

Bloody Foreigners...

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. Amusing!!!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.