Here is an ultimate Jello shot list, all in one post!
Have a great bank holiday weekend.

1 *JAGER BOMB* boil 1 cup red bull (in place of water), add black cherry or orange jello, 1 cups jager.

2 *MARGARITA* boil 1 cup water, add 3 oz pkg lime jello, 4 oz tequila, 4 oz sweet & sour margarita mix. sprinkle with salt just before firm.
(substitue watermelon jello for lime for a melon margarita)

3 *RUM & COKE boil 1 cups coke, mix in dark cherry jello add 1 cups light rum

4 *MIMOSAS* this one varies from the normal method Since champagne isn't as strong as liquor, cut the water out of this one. boil one cup champagne, mix orange jello 2 min, add one more cup champagne and a splash of OJ.


5 *SILK* Boil one cup champagne, mix in jello for 2 minutes, add one cup champagne and splash of lychee juice from the can.

6 *ORANGE TIC TAC* Boil two cups red bull, mix jello two minutes, add two cups mandarin orange vodka

7 *LEMON DROP* (boil 1 cup water, add lemon jello, citrus vodka, top with sugar sprinkles just before its fully set up)

8 *GRAPE CRUSH* (boil 1 cups water, add grape jello, 1/2 cup plain vodka, 1/2 cup chambord)

9 *HAWAIIAN* (boil 1 cup water, add pineapple or blueberry jello, 1 cup coconut rum)

10 *GIN & TONIC* (boil 1 cup tonic water, add lime jello, 1 cup gin)

11 *LEMON LIME* (boil 2 cups sprite, add lemon and lime jellos, 2 cups citrus vodka)

12 *BLUEBERRY* (boil 1 cup water, add blueberry jello, 1 cup blueberry vodka)

13 *FRUIT PUNCH* (boil 1 cups water, add mixed fruit jello, 1/2 cup blueberry vodka, 1/2 cup raspberry vodka)

14 *WATERMELON* (boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello,1 cup watermelon vodka)

15 *BEER* (boil 1 cups water, add strawberry jello, add 1 cup any malt liquor)

16 *CARIBBEAN* (boil 1 cup water, add strawberry-banana jello, Cruzan banana rum

17 *CHERRY COLA* (boil 1 cup coke, add cherry jello, 1 cup cold cola, 1/2 cup amaretto, 1/2 cup spiced rum)

18 *DREAMSICLE* (boil 1 1/3 cup water & 2/3 cup OJ, add orange jello, 1 cup vanilla vodka 1/2 cup raspberry or berry vodka, 1/2 cup KeKe Beach Key Lime Cream Liqueur)

19 *LIME IN THE COCONUT* (boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello, 1 cup Malibu Coconut Rum)

20 *RED HOTS* (boil 2 cups water, add jello, 1/2 cup cold water, 2 cups Cinnamon Schnapps)

21 **SEX ON THE BEACH** boil 1 cup cranberry juice, add 3 oz pkg orange jello, 3 oz peach schnapps, 5 oz vodka

22 ***SOUR APPLE*** (in microwavable container, mix 1 small box sour apple jello, 1 pkg knox gelatin and 1 tbs sugar. Stir in 1 cup Mt. Dew and mix well. Microwave on high for 1 min. Stir until powder is dissolved. Mix 2 cups vodka & 3/4 cup Captain Morgan Coconut Rum. mix well and let sit 1 min. pour into cups and refrigerate.)

23 *SQUIRM* (boil 2 1/4 cup water, add 3 small pkgs any flavor jello, 2 cups vodka, 3/4 cup ice cold water. add 1 gummy worm to each shot before firm.

24 *CARIBOU LOU* (1/2 cup boiling water 1/2 cup pineapple juice boiled, add pineapple jello, 1/2 cup Malibu Rum, 1/2 cup Triplesec)

25 *JOLLY RANCHER* (boil 1 cup water, add melon jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup apple pucker)

26 *PURPLE PEOPLE EATER* (boil 1 cup water, add grape jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup watermelon pucker)

27 *BAHAMA MAMA* (boil 1 cup water, add watermelon jello, 1/2 cup Malibu rum, 1/2 cup peach schnapps)

28 *COSMOPOLITAN* (boil 1 cup water with a splash of lime juice, add cranberry jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup triple sec)

29 *CHERRY BOMB* (boil 1 cup redbull, add cherry jello, 1 cup vodka and drop in one maraschino cherry, step up before firmed.)

30 *BLUE FIRECRACKER* (boil 1 cup water, add berry blue jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup peach schnapps)

31 *WHITE LIGHTNING* (boil 1 cup water, add pina colada jello, 1/2 cup vodka, 1/2 cup triple sec)

32*FUZZY NAVEL* (boil 1 cup water, add 3 oz orange jello, 2 oz vodka, 6 oz peach schnapps

33 *RED HEADED SLUT* boil 1 cup water, add cranberry jello, 1/2 cup peach schnapps, 1/2 cup jager

34 *MOJITO* (1 cup boiling water, 3 oz box lime jello, 6 oz white rum, 2 oz cold water. top with mint leaves chopped and crushed. (or substitue mint leaves with a splash of mint extract in the the boiling water.)

35 *STRAWBERRY DAQUIRI* (boil 1 cup water, add 3 oz package wild strawberry jello, 6 oz white rum, 1 oz sweet & sour or margarita mix.

36 *DEVILS KISS* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 envelope of Knox Gelatin and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Goldschlager, and 1/4 cup of Bacardi-151. Stir well and wait until the liquid has cooled before pouring into jello shot cups. if you double up the Knox Gelatin in this one you can eliminate the cup serve these up as jigglers!!

37 *ANKLE BREAKER* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 envelope of Lime Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of 151 Rum, and 1/4 cup of Cherry Brandy. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

38 *FIRECRACKER 2* 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/3 cup of Sloe Gin , and 1/3 cup of Spiced Rum and 1/3 cup of 151 Rum. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cup

39 **KOMANIWANALAYA** 2 cups of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello and 1 box of Cranberry Jello (both 3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Amaretto, and 1/2 cup of 151 Rum. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

40 *RAIN MAIN* 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Bacardi 151, and 1/4 cup of Melon Liqueur. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups

41 ADAM AND EVE 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Lemon Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Brandy, and 1/4 cup of Pomogranate Liqueur and 1/4 cup of Gin. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

42 ALABAMA SLAMMER 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Lemon Jello (3 oz) and stir until everything is completely dissolved and then add 1/3 cup of coldwater. Next, add 1/3 cup of Amaretto, 1/4 cup of Southern Comfort, and 1/3 cup of Sloe Gin. Mix throuroughly until everything is well combined and the carefully pour into jello shot cups. Chill for 3 to 4 hours and serve.

43 ALL NIGHTER 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Cherry Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water and 1/2 cup of Watermelon Vodka. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

44 APPLE PIE 1 1/2 cups ofboiling water. Dissolve 2 boxes of Lemon Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Light Rum, 1/2 cup of Sweet Vermouth, 1/4 cup of Apple Brandy and 1/4 cup ofGrenadine. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

45 BANANA BOAT 1 cup of water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Coconut Rum , and 1/4 cup ofBanana Liqueur. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

46 BANANA SPLIT 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Strawberry Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Vodka, and 1/4 cup ofBanana Liqueur and 1/4 cup of Creme de Cacao. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

47 BAT OUT OF HELL 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and stir for at least 2 minutes until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of Red Bull, 1/4 cup of Rumand 1/4 Blue Curacao. Stir until well combined and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

48 BERMUDA TRIANGLE 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Spiced Rum and 1/4 cup of Peach Schnapps. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot

49 BLACK CAT 1 cup of boilingwater. Dissolve 1 package of Raspberry Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Black Vodka, and 1/4 cup of Chambord. Stir well and wait until the liquid is about room temperature before pouring into jello shot cups.

50 BLACK WIDOW 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Grape Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 3/4 cup of Blackberry Vodka and 1/8 teaspoon of Ginger Powder. Stir well and cool slightly before pouring into jello shot cups. For a schnazzy garnish, drop a singleblackberry in each cup before chilling

51 COUGH DROP 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 3 oz package of Strawberry Jello and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Jagermeister. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

52 CRYPTINI 1 cup of HotCoffee. Dissolve 1 envelope of Knox Gelatin and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/3 cup of Iced Coffee, 1/3 cup of Vodka, and 1/3 cup of Kahlua. Stir well and wait until the liquid has cooled before pouring into jello shot cups.

53 FRENCH TICKLER 1 cup of boilingwater. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Cinnamon Schnappsand 1/2 cup of Vodka. Stir well and wait until the liquid has a chance to cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

54 HARVEY WALLBANGER 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Vodka and 1/4 cup ofGalliano. Stir well until completely combined and wait until the liquid has cooled before pouring into jello shot cups.

55 JUICY FRUIT 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/3 cup of Vodka, and 1/3 cup ofMelon Liqueur and 1/3 cup of Peach Schnapps. Stir well and cool

56 JAGERMASTER 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Jagermeister, and 1/4 cup of Amaretto, and a just a splash of Grenadine. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

58 LETHAL INJECTION 2 cups of boiling water. Dissolve 1 package of Orange Jello (3 oz) and 1 package ofPineapple Jello (3 oz) and stir at least 2 minutes until completely dissolved. Add 1 cup of cold water followed by 1/4 cup of Amaretto, 1/4 cup of Coconut Rum, 1/4 cup of Dark Rum and 1/4 cup of Spiced Rum. Stir well and wait until the liquid has cooled before pouring intojello shot cups.

59 LONG ISLAND ICED TEA and measure 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 2 packages of Lemon Jello (3 oz) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of Cola and 1/2 cup of cold water. Now get ready to add the alcohol - 1/2 cup of Gin, 1/2 cup of LightRum, 1/2 cup of Vodka and 1/2 cup of Tequila. Stir until everything is well combined and let it cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

60 NINJA TURTLE 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Orange Jello and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Gin, and 1/4 cup of Blue Curacao. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

61 PAIN KILLER 3/4 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/4 cup of cold water, 1/3 cup of Dark Rum, 1/3 cup ofCoconut Rum and 1/3 cup of Orange Liqueur. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

62 PIXIE STIX 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Lemon Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Southern Comfort, and 1/4 cup of Blackberry Brandy. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

63 RED SILK PANTIES 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Cranberry Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Vodka, and 1/4 cup ofPeach Schnapps. Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

64 SCOOBY SNACKS 1 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 1 box of Pineapple Jello (3 oz size) and stir until fully dissolved. Add 1/2 cup of cold water, 1/4 cup of Melon Liqueur, and 1/4 cup of Coconut Rum . Stir well and cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

65 TIJUANA TAXI 2 cup of boiling water. Dissolve 2 packages ofLemon Jello (3 oz size) and stir at least 2 minutes until fully dissolved.Next, add 1 cup of cold water, 1/2 cup of Tequila, 1/4 cup of Blue Caracao and 1/4 cup of Tropical Fruit Schnapps. Stir until completely combined and give it a chance to cool before pouring into jello shot cups.

66 RUMMY BEARS 1 cup boiling water, add any random flavor jello and 1 cup berry vodka, 1 gummy bear in the center of each shot.

67 WOOWOO 2 cups boiling water, add 3 pkgs grape jello, 3 pkgs cranberry/raspberry jello, 3 pkgs strawberry jello, 3 cups vodka, 3 cups peach schnapps, 1 can grape juice concentrate and 1 can cran-raspberry juice concentrate (both undiluted!)

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

.'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room..

Walmart Interview

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

BE WARNED !!


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh......it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run-- anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service..

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.



AND TRY TO ALWAYS REMEMBER ...
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4



Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.





Twice.

MEANINGS OF BOYS' NAMES

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, well hung but very caring.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
... Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
Amir - Dirty, Smelly, Pecker is minuscule.
Andy - boring and has a small pecker.
Andrew - gay and still has a small pecker.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Bradley - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's just a naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian
Carl - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies no real person has that name.
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christian - very sexy and seductive (think 'Legends of the Fall').
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Cliff - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Con - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Darren - charming , but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates
David - total wanker - hated by all.
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Emrys - Load mouth gobby Shitte.
Elliott - Full of himself
Eric - shy.
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth
Greame - very hard to understand, likes group sex
Graham - will screw anything
Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Guy - Covers his back, has a small dick.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but very manipulative, not to be trusted around young girls.
Haydn - tries hard.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't everybody!).
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - Scum of the Earth.
James - built like a horse.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jason - Total cock whore
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot. Always alright.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shit.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hotty and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating, insecure & jealous.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kevin - Always attracts really fit girlfriends also has a large penis, really nice to women.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - his is worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything­ you want him to be.
Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse, likes small boys.
Ky - see Kain.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Les - calm, calculating, intelligent, sexy.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet - Luke Solomons exactly!
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - Fantasises about pretty lights, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke - Tries to tell everyone
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is, not his great looks, mouthy bastard though.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is totally sweet.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mitchell - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Noel - an absolute diamond, sexy, funny and faultless....ap­art from when it comes to sorting out contents insurance for his home
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in pricks.
Paul - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rashpal - C@@t
Reagen - ...strange.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long,long time ago.
Richard - cant see his feet balls are to big
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks bollocks.
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - gay.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
William - wishes he were popular but is ultimately a c@@t.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable

GIRLS' NAMES:
Ada - Blue haired, smells of wee.
Aileen - laughs like a demented dog. likes tic tacs
Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment, looks better with the light off.
Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. A good shag though.
Amy - Devious, Likes being on top, never stays the night - Not to be trusted.
Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, Hair style more important than oxygen. Usually foun hanging around toilets.
Annabelle - Doesn't wear knickers.
Annette - She's BIG.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can't drive.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beryl - Repressed alcoholic.
Beverley - Trapped in an eighties timewarp.
Bianca - Ginger.
Bridgette - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla - replaces the word 'yes' with 'ya'.
Carina - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn't swallow.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears.
Catherine - Attracted to the older man, needs ironing.
Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have lesbian tendencies.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Christine - Likes men in uniform, never warm.
Daisy - Virgin.
Danni - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - drug induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Denise - Sits on cats eyes, wears too much make up.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - 70's throw back, likes cabbage.
Doris - Purple haired, stinks of wee.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths.
Elizabeth - Born to rock, hates chickens.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the swear words that come out of her mouth
Emily - Wears odd socks, can have lesbian tendencies.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good looker!
Estelle - Likes wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - Legs met at knees, can't shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can't swim.
Felicity - She'll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, gives head.
Francine - French.
Gabrielle - French too.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gayleen - Big tall woman who talks shite all day.
Gaynor - Lesbian.
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Gwyneth - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, Kinky in bed, loves porn.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Right wing Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Isabelle - necessary on a bicycle?
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Janet - Massive over bite, no neck.
Jane - Babe, I'd drink her bath water.
Jasmin - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Jemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica - Virgin, always will be.
Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can't cook, moans when she wakes up - I wouldn't!
Jordan - Ha ha ha ha ha - nuff said.
Judith - Big eyes, big tits
Judy - Huge tits, married to an arse.
Julia - Innocent face, don't trust her, she'll steal your wallet in five minutes
Justine- Massive tits, likes hanging around men's toilets.
Julie - Jabba the Hutt's sister, constantly pregnant.
Karen - Huge tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - see Catherine.
Kelly - smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kimberley - wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can't dance.
Kylie - Can't sing but who cares - BOING !!!!!!!
Kym - Illiterate parents - see Kim.Lana - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Lara - Action packed, never seen naked.
Laura - Likes Max power magazine, can't drive.
Lauren - Pert breasts, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Linda - Teenage bride, can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy style, doesn't do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainey.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet jellybabies
Louise/a - Phwoooorrrrrrrrrr, Boing Boing Boing.
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to marry her dad.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - Trainspotter, likes plaid.
Margaret - Lovely mother, very generous.
Maria - Bangs like a barn door.
Marie - Life sapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Marolyn - Eats like a horse, out stays her welcome.
Martina - Ugly lesbian.
Martine - Can't act, can't sing, nice tits.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Mary - had a little lamb.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Melanie - Can hold 2 bar vacuum orally indefinitely.
Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison 6 times for burglary.
Meryl - Dances like an ape, doesn't realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Marsha - Big butt, small brain.
Monica - Doesn't swallow, should have.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Nancy - White hair, remembers tanners.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before age 17, needs ironing.
Nell - Hasn't realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicola - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Olga - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Olive - Oily skin, oils up well.
Olivia - Neutron bomb.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat - Butt ugly lesbian.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker for Basildon.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes men to be stiff.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Petra - Dead dog.
Priscilla - likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - Amazing gravity defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her cheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rhonda - Help me, help me.
Rosalind - Whahey, nuff said. Maybe 10 years ago.
Rose - Can be prickly, good head giver
Roseanne - ERRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Rula - She measures up well.
Sadie - Stand up if you're slim, please stand up.
Sally - Drives a Mustang, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has 4 deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sarah - Likes pressed flowers and body piercing.
Selina - Doesn't wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Shania - What?
Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Shirley - Can swallow a Curly Wurly whole, likes bananas.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - Used to be a shotputter from Cardiff.
Sinitta - who?
Sonya - Dirty lady of the night. Often referred to as a "carrier"
Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
&Stacey -Likes cut off jeans and arseless Speedo's.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - Eats Muppets, wears Brogues.
Sue/Susanne - should shave more often, wears Denim aftershave.
Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tiffany - who?
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat less.
Tori - Lives under a hedge, can't water ski.
Tracy - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear.Loves kittens.
Tracey - Lesbian.
Ulrika - ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka.
Ursula - Likes puppies, in curry.
Vicky- Likes Yoga. And Women.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
Zandra - Strange appearance, eats guinea pigs dipped in chocolate.

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.
I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.
But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Little Old Lady In Court...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Old Lady: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own wo...rds, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.