10 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW

1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
3. An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.
"Excuse me" he says
"But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed,

Satan asked,
'Why aren't you afraid of me?

'The man calmly replied........

'Been married to your sister for 48 years'

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered.
Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
==================
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
================
Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

A burglar breaks into a house and as he is tiptoeing
across the living room he hears
"Jesus is watching you".

He looks around but sees nothing in the dark,
so he carries on across the room and again he hears
"Jesus is watching you".

He still can't see anything and heads for the TV and video.

At this point a car comes around the and the headlights light
up the room and he hears
"Jesus is still watching you".

He looks quickly around the room and sees a parrot on
a perch in the corner of the room.
Laughing he walks over to the parrot and asks the parrot what it's name is.

The parrot replies
"Cuthbert"

"Cuthbert which sad bastard gave you a stupid name
like that" asks the burglar

"The same one that named the rottweiler behind you Jesus"

Steve comes home steaming drunk and sneaks into the house, which is unusually quiet.
After a while, he calls out:

"Mary, start nagging for fuck's sake so I can find the bed!"

Happy Valentines Day
Dinner £70
Drinks £50
Taxi £29
Hotel £300


The look on your face when she tells you she's on her period....

Fucking Priceless!

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea

AFTERNOON TEA
1 tub of ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

A man who owns a pharmacy showed up at work one day around noon.
He saw a man leaning against the wall outside with a grimace on his face.
The owner asked his assistant manager who the guy outside was.
The assistant said, "He came in looking for cough medicine.
I could not find any, so I gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to drink it all."
The manager said, "You can't cure a cough with laxative!"
The assistant replied, "Sure you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"