Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary"

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland ". "That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass", said the barman, "so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishfinger behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Weetabix or Cheerio's) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more new ones and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the assistant to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your wages to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.
I took it back to her and we got chatting.
After a few beers and a bit of flirting I took her home and shagged her all night.
A asked her, do you shag everyone on a first date?
She said no, only those who catch my eye....

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet (a personal friend).
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.'
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!"

Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!!!