Weather Report

How cold was it this morning?




Now that's cold !

How he got his name.


For his dogs.



hehe steve (north)

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT
Fucking your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories

An American tourist in London skips his tour group to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of warm beer. He even samples a doner kebab from a greasy takeaway.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood... big, stately residences, no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS and a familiar ominous feeling on his bowels and a churning in his stomach.

He desperately has to piss, poo and throw up. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides it's ideal.

As he starts to lower his trousers he is tapped on the shoulder by a copper, who says, "Sorry, Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there", points the Bobby. "Relieve yourself... anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. He pisses against a statue, throws up all over the lawn and explosively shits diarrhoea into the fountain.

As he passes back out of the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really decent of you... is that the famous British Hospitality?"

"No," replied the Bobby, "that is the Russian Embassy."