Well, 21 years ago today I got married on a beautiful beach to a beautiful, smart, down to earth woman. It was a great, just us on a little get away. Fabulous day spent in the sun and surf, we went to bed that night and she told me she couldn't make love because she felt so guilty about a divorce from years earlier. WTH? And so it went for many years; our love life would improve when her kids were grown and left home. Our love life when improve when the stress of work wasn't so much. Our love life would improve when... You get the idea. We went to counciling many times, discussed what we could do. I did everything I could think of and way more, she always said it was her fault, not mine, that she was just "screwed up". So, after many years I had an affair. She asked me if I was and I said yes. Pissed her off like crazy. Of course she had not had sex at all with me for over a year leading up to that. No matter. That was two years ago. At her request I moved out. We would have been long since divorced except she has rejected every one of the 3 offers made in the settlement. Seems she wants virtually all of our assets and none of our debt, she feels entitled because I cheated on her. The courts have it now, I want it to be over and done so I can get on with my life and she with hers.

We hear a lot of talk these days about same sex marriages, I can tell you that is a falsehood, sex was never the same after I got married! LOL. I hope everyone has a great day today, I think I will, in the words of Otter from Animal House, "go make a really stupid and meaningless gesture"!!!!

What might have been...

I need you more than want you
And I want you for all time

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

If you were like me every time you got a scrap and it finally scabbed over you just HAD to pick at it. You know it is bad for you, you know it makes it bleed again, you know it makes it take more time to heal. And yet you pick at it anyway. That really can be a lot like life, don't you think?

Seems like every day things just keep getting more insane. I guess I am just getting old; I find myself wishing for days that don't seem like that long ago when everyone didn't feel like they were entitled to everything, when you stood up for your own mistakes instead of blaming everyone else, and when it meant something to hold a friends comments in confidence instead of posting everything on Facebook....

Yep, it is time to start Blading for the year...

You will, must, think this is stupid. When I was 16 years old I met a girl who captured my heart. We dated off and on until I was 18, then we lost touch. I never forgot her, and 30 years later we reconnected. She has a "boyfriend", I have a wife who is suing me for divorse. We have not had more than a hug in 30 years, but I know if I told her that she was my one true love she would forgo her current "flame" to be with me. And I would love that, after all these years I love and adore her. But I won't do it because for the first time in many years she is happy. At the end of the day, I love her so much all I want is for to be happy. Am I insane?

Do you ever want to scream, to shout from the depth of your soul? To expele all the things that lay inside you, dark, and virol and ugly. I scream, and it is the scream of a nightmare, I scream yet no sound escapes. I rage at the darkness and no one hears. Try as I might, the darkness at the very heart of me will not be expunged. It remains to fester...

Lots of travell for work lately, while it is always nice to see some different places, it gets old when you wake up and know you are in a hotel but you can't remember for a moment what city you are in. Glad to be at the "home base" for at least the next few weeks.