It's hard to believe it's been a year. What a tough one, but I've had worse one's before. After 8 mos. I finally got out of the hospital. Knew I couldn't take the cold up at the ranch this year(6 degrees), so my ex flew with me to my(actually her winter home in Barbaddos(sp). She always liked it better than me anyway. I hardly remembered this blog. I guess maybe I've been forgotten here, but thought I'd check it out anyway. Hope to hear from some one. all my love, Kidblue

I hear songs and stories downstairs tonight. People on satellite phone to mom and dad, sisters and brothers, arguing on putting wood on the fire. talking about pregnant cows, sheep, goats and etc... will sleep well tonight. took some of T's dirty clothes off floor to curl up with tonight.

portugese sheepherders are actually basque sheep herderes. they moved into trailer down by sheep creek and are watching over sheep until spring, as always. so everyone here says. seems this place runs itself. I awoke this morning to foreign laughing and cooking in kitchen. I was fed well, apparently I was the the only one who was not sleeping well. sorry I opened my heart to outsider, got to get it out. hope you are well jacking off in parents back bedroom. I see why Tracy's ranch supposedly has never made money, it is a home away from home for all aliens that need a warm place to winter over. I do not complain as he pays for all who cannot afford our clinic. I'm sorry that boy who jacks off in his parents back room is so ignorant. I will not block him as like kikblue, I believe in free speech(get a girlfreind). the kid will never admit we were married because he is who he is. but on this new years eve, when I see all these people laying around his house like they have been comfortable so many times before, as much as he tries to present himself as a repulican, he is certainly a socialist at least! I got the bad news today, his neck and spinal cord is more distressed than originally thought. he will be going in for more surgery tomorrow morning. jack off to that got to get it out boy... I never realized how many people struggle to survive until I came home. my bad. I am going to stay here until Tracy comes home even though I am not needed here. My group doesn't understand, but that's ok as I was fed up long ago. Yes, this is a peaceful commune, t. will never admit that. that's why it works so well...

I go every day down to the Medical Center. this morning at 3o am I recieved a call about some people that had been run out of Tracy's room, who were now camped out in a stairwell. Had driver take me down and brought back 2 of Tracy's Portugese sheepherders who are now back out in the big barn. This would be funny if everyone was not so serious around here. I miss him so much I'm crying. Even his goats are sad. I miss this prick, he is more real than I ever remembered. When I curl up at night in his dumb custom bed, I sleep with the angels. Christ, I thought I was over him along time ago, he is the only person that ever made me cry, can't stop, fuck, he is real.

when lisa called, I flew up to our ranch. to those of you who don't know him(probably all), I am his ex wife, twice, and power of attorney as he knows I will always care for him. He put me through medical school, supported me always( even when I told him what a prick he was), and actually owns my house, or so my attorney tells me, in Las Vegas. He is going to be ok. For most people, he probably wouldn't be, but for this big piece of grisle, he'll be ok. I do not worry what you think of me, I only care for Tracy, and he knows the truth. Arrangements have been made for him, and I will run a hard line on his care. Tracy saved me, and many others, both people and others. I hope he is able and willing to contact anyone who messages him in any way, as he is truly an anti social public person, but with out a doubt the most loving caring and giving person I have ever know. Will probably marry him again if I don't go now. p.s. all animals ok, they are his true love, I guess that's why we all know he's our true love.

blizzard let up this morning. Tracy couldn't move when
Amy and I tried to wake him. called life flight helio and neighbors, he was medivaced to capitol city medical center. When everyone showed up to help this morning, we were overwhelmed. He has cared for all on this God forsaken hell hole of a mountain for longer than we can even figure. He cared for all his animals he has adopted over the years, and everyone up here showed up to take care of his ranch for him as he has taken care of all of them. I am sorry he turned to the internet for companionship, especially when I have read his messages. I am glad at least at all the caring of these people that showed up this morning when he needed help. He has always been a giver, fearless, and dedicated to the underdog. All of you who have been mean to him, I hope you burn in your own special hell, more than anyone, kassie... he may not seem sensitive, but he is the most special person many of us have ever known. Lisa. and Amy, and others

eat me you pussy prick!!!!!

after many private messages and way too much blogging, on mine and others, things have finally mellowed out now. this is why I'm single. all my love, kidblue

ok cassie... I give up, you win. this whole thing went down a bad road I take full responsliblity for with my comments. were you brave heart's girlfriend? sorry, not trying to make it worse, sometimes I can't help myself. Maybe that's why people out here have learned to put up with me... Shit! I wish I could say I would not have said I'de say what I did if I knew it would cause so much stink, but that would be untrue, and I never lie. I just felt that I was pouring my heart out in my blog about the most personal stuff you could ever talk about, dying. and dying hard and slow and painful. and when I read the responses, I thought it was pretty supererfical to get responses back that were one line! Yeah, now you know bitch!(I mean my friend!) Sorry, maybe, no matter how hard I try to be good, sometimes I just have to say what I think. I'me glad to know where I stand at least. I have spent a long time contemplating what you said, and pretty much you are right. I don't know you and should not have judged you on one comment. But you do not know me either. When something, (anything) goes wrong out here, people don't call the law, they call me. When people need food, they don't call the food bank, they call me. When their car breaks down and they're stranded, they call me. When they are scarred because they hear noises outside their house at night and their husband is at work, they call me... when their boy is in jail and needs bail, they call me.
When I am longing and hurting and not sure where to turn, I have no one to call. and that is my fault because I have never wanted to show anyone any weakness. the fact no one thinks I am weak, is the reason others turn to me.
The reason I can say what I said on here is because on here no one knows who I am, unlike out here where everyone knows who I am and depends on me. So, I'm sorry you don't get me, how could you? No one out here gets me either, they just see what they want also. I hope I didn't hurt you too bad. You sound like a tough chick on the outside, but I can tell your are sensitive and struggleing to survive this bastard world like all of us. Sorry I came off like such a prick, but don't ever tell me about suffering. I spent a year in the hospital one time overhearing everyong (at 19) talking about how I'd never make it. Yeah, I know I'm fucked up, but at least I'm the one facing what I have to face becuase I know I'm the one who can face this down better than most. So please allow me some room to blow. all my love , kidblue

eat me.