the last few days were mostly about my daughter... simple assistance from room to room... trying to keep her from allowing muscles to atrophy.

Sunday, two of her cousins came over for the first time ever... relaxing in my little cluttered home, wrapping gem stones and watching a movie with us. Both insisted that my place was peaceful, inviting and wonderful to them... I reminded them that I've honestly wanted them to come visit for years... anyway, from the discussions between the young women it seems they'll be following through on that eagerly. I hope so... I love these young ladies...

My boyfriend arrived soon after the girls had left. My daughter needed help getting ready for bed and seemed ready for the rest.
Smiles and teasing warm hugs and kisses... laughter and chuckles fill my home when he's here...
It didn't take long for us to strip and enjoy one another in the privacy of my room... Of all things we seem to laugh and play like children, while in bed, more than I can recall with any other man. We talk of experiences past at times though mostly of the relaxed conversations and comfortable and constant touch that is so important to us both... I told him how lovely it is to be allowed to fully be myself.. he asked why anyone would want less of what I have to give. Pulling me into his arms and kissing my hair gently he said, "no one should want anything less than the real you... If I'd wanted someone else I wouldn't be with you." Kissing my lips and cheek, he brushed the hair back from my eyes smiling and then pulled me closer to his chest.

I've never been WHO any other man wanted. If they had wanted me it was always what they thought they'd seen before being with me. I've been so used to not being enough or who men really wanted...

Can you imagine how different this is for me??? never enough, never good enough.. to exactly who he chose, because I'm me?

tears are flowing from my eyes... I don't know how to hold them back... I've been told I was good just being me by men who've never been with me...
this is someone who laughs when I wiggle or threaten to start humping his leg... or just have human weaknesses he comes across. I don't know any other response except to cry tears of relief and joy... acceptance is something I give freely... but no family member, nor my husband or past lovers have ever accepted AND wanted me exactly as I am.

taking life, moment, by moment...
Thursday went well...

no cancer in any of the biopsied material... from both uterus and ovary....

The ovary WAS very damaged by the stretching of the outer skin due to the size of that massive cyst inside of it. I'm just grateful they could remove it and all the polyps without hurting her too much... They cyst was so huge they'd had to make several openings to use the scope to view it, and remove it.. and a large one lower, to remove that balloon like thing.

Her father had a seeming change of heart, or mind this week. Went from bitter griping and refusal to treat her like he used to, to taking her to the zoo on Wednesday, and feeding her when he discovered she'd eaten nothing good that day....

He was there from soon after we got to the hospital, to wait and stay with his child. I haven't seen him this way for years... I loved seeing it. Even was decent with me. Didn't pry as feared and didn't slam me, just listened and talked a bit about our daughter.

She was in the recovery room for several hours due to high pressure... she's always had a fast heart beat, but it was higher by about 15 beats above her normal 115 over about 70. Anyway, her surgeon came back to the hospital to see her face and release her after nearly 4 hours of being in the recovery unit. I was grateful too that my ex decided to pay for her medications as well as prepay the surgery and get the additional discount on it.

The intern in the unit was laughing, teasing and enjoyed chatting with my daughter... and sent her home with extra ice bags, a big hospital mug and some of the peculiar underwear they'd had her in as well as snacks and things... she insisted she'd enjoyed spending time with us. We'd joked and been ourselves and even the ex was funny a couple times.

My goodness, I'm so glad I could take the time off to be home with her Thursday and Friday... she'd wanted to go and do as if yesterday were any normal week day, forgetting her pain and need for rest... I had to remind her over and over that there was no way I'd let her walk down then back up those stairs to our apartment...

Sad thing... my boyfriend won't be bringing his children over today... The oldest daughter (15) has something going o all day today at the Jr college through her school or maybe church? and the wee squeaker of youngest stayed home with big sis and Mom instead... and only the son went with dad... They're chilling at home. But my guy did ask if it'd be alright to come over, asked what K would like and then she teased listing things then saying there wasn't any need for that... he brought everything she'd asked for and was very attentive to her while here...

She mentioned that and how much that means to her. That made me relax, since she's been fighting my dating someone who's a good daddy, and caring boyfriend and openly affectionate and giving...

If for no other reason... I want my relationship to teach her that there really ARE good and caring men out there... and that not all dads are abusive and neglectful cruel sots like hers has been most of her life.

I love my daughter... so glad to be able to tend her and hold her and love her through her fears...

today wasn't easy to get through.... though, it's one of my three work days less for this week. I'm looking forward to the next steps in my daughter's improvements, changes, and healing...

I'm experiencing something new to me... someone who wants me in person... I'm still wondering and in shock??? over being girlfriend to someone local enough to me, that we see one another about once a week... It's nice.

I'm learning from an honest man who speaks his mind to the best of his ability... that I'm youthful and my smiles and laughter and touch have changed his life.

I like that.... kinda cool to make a goofy younger man feel... uhhh, geee.. younger?

He wasn't this free or goofy as often as he is, now... I think I unleashed somfin on the world.... hope they'll like it.. two nutts... yeah, and maybe some mino-mee ones, too? Dunno...

but it's the sweetness and gentle moments that make me wonder even more... it's different, that's for sure... it already WAS since I've never had someone want me as his girlfriend without trying to coerce or entice me into saying yes... This just sort of Happened... when I wasn't looking. It just became... because he said so... and then, it was...

weird? different... that's a fact.

there are just a few more days until the surgery for my daughter... and thankfully she's starting to make observations of her father's choices and attitude... sadly that man has crushed and harmed her too much, far too often. Cruel threats, harassment, and complaints have left her only one determination... one last chance for him... he's invited her to the last free Wednesday admission day at the local zoo, of this winter...
Supposedly she's going to pay close attention to his treatment, words and attitude and fro there, make a choice for her own best.. severe the contact if he's still bitter... for 2017, or if he chooses to behave decently... a year with no obligation to him (bill payer for medical costs this year but not the next... and a choice to spend time electively due to being decent to her...

I don't expect it...

boyfriend's kids asked if they're coming over to my place this weekend, as the first things they said... they're dear kids and my daughter and I adore them... packing people into my erm.. tightly fitting apartment is a feat, but it's worth it...

SHINEDOWN

been listening to Disturbed more, lately...
I've enjoyed their music for while.... there are so many good and powerful messages within the words of the groups I enjoy

Here is their version of a classic



But listen now, to THIS one

one more day until the weekend.... I can make it.... right?

still no end to the cycle.. menopause really does suck.. trust me.. I'm there...

still my lusty horny self.. still needing to be touched fondled licked nibbled and mmmmmm... only I never know when I actually can

sigh

I need to be kissed hungrily... caressed and teased..
to feel fingers sliding between velvety folds and into wet heat... tongue chin all of a face wettened by my cum as you lick suckle and please me orally.. drink my juices.. taste my flavor and share it with me...

I need that insatiable hunger fulfilled...

today the stress and my health hit me in the gut...
literally. Belly was done handling the load and decided to let me know how I'm really feeling... yeah... icky, nasty, not good.

Aunty Flow disrupted my Valentine's weekend... she's one mean little bitch, isn't she? makes me see red

bad joke, yeah, I know...

I've been cramping and dealing with the cycle from hell and then get hit with the stomach flu on top of that... I stayed home... no way could I go to work like this.... doubling over in desperation to find something to yeahhhhh into.

I stayed home and got worn out with the fight going on in my abdomen... crawled back into bed and slept until after noon... felt better, but still had issues, just nothing like the morning. My poor kid hadn't even realized I was home until I walked past her open bedroom doorway... stopped and waved.


Good news... her dad won't be there in the waiting room with me...

better news... this week we got a scare, with a call from the hospital saying the surgery was scheduled for today.. This Wednesday... The doctor doesn't DO surgeries on any day but Thursdays. Got that all cleared up yesterday morning (Tuesday)

Valentine's weekend was also when my dryer decided to commit suicide. My boyfriend stopped by tonight to check it out and confirmed it'd cost almost as much as a new machine to repair it... No bueno... I bought a used one ASAp he helped get it and set it up. We've got a new old dryer to last us a while now.

And surgery for my daughter next Thursday.. a four day weekend and time with family and friends... my boyfriend and his children... one will stay overnight with us... and I'm so grateful because she needs "her big sister." having this man become so close has reunited us with children we have loved for over a decade... children my daughter and I have felt a bond with... and so this is unique and dear to me.... I had no clue that I'd date their daddy and enjoy him as much as I do... he's becoming an important part of my life. Who would have known?

they sounded like they had scheduled the surgery... but didn't tell us? asked to reschedule it for Feb. 25th... no time of day until the day before?

she may have a little cancerous something after all... holding my breath...

her dad insists on being there from start to finish.. s of a text yesterday. my daughter is sure his wife gave him a lecture and an ultimatum.

I just do not want to be there with him without his wife or someone else to keep him from badgering or threatening me.

sigh... oh well

I'm grateful she gets to have her surgery. She gets to have things moved forward and changed for the better.

I love my daughter dearly.

as to WHEN my daughter's surgery will be scheduled... poor young woman is getting so uptight and anxious over this.

I'm going ahead and buying tickets to the concert for Wayland and Royal Bliss this next weekend.... I love those two bands, and their members... good guys... well, good to me. Nobody is perfect.. they are musicians who tour... they've got the typical lives, temptations and issues.

My guy and I plan for him to stay here next weekend, with me... a long Valentine's weekend for the two of us...

My kid is already trying to establish rules and demands... like only ONE night of bliss... uhhh, she doesn't pay rent, she doesn't help with much of anything including any household chores.

I need time with this man who matters in my life... and she deserves to accept the fact that while she's an adult, she has no say in what Mom does, or has happening.. there's never going to be drugs, or anything dangerous or foolish...

I've never had any man do anything with me for Valentine's Day, except my ex.. and that was obligatory, not romantic. We'd met on that day which was the first Valentine's in my youth and young adult life that I'd done anything other than baby sit on that night. So... I DESERVE to enjoy it with the man who's willing to cancel his weekend with his kids, to be with me.


Today, I peeked at the status of an order for a ton of DVD's and BluRay movies.. well, a ton for me... a friend from here... when we'd gotten to meet the other weekend had given me a gift that allowed me to afford to buy movies my daughter has been longing to see again.. ones that remind her of her childhood, when she was oblivious to the abuse, and rage in our home... before things became harder for us as a family... before sleep apnea induced scizo-effective disorder ruled her father's mind. Back when she believed that her daddy loved her. Back when he was still her hero.

Anyway, thanks to a dear man from this place she will be watching movies she'd loved and has missed.. while waiting, and while healing after the surgery is over and done.

If they surprise us with scheduling the surgery next week with little to no notice, we'll handle it... but I deserve to have some joy and she will have this gift.... The shipment is on its way... in Wyoming today. Who knows when it'll be here?

But I know it'll be here, soon... I'm happy for that.